Entitlement

[DISCLAIMER]

According to one source, “A gratuity (often called a tip) is a sum of money customarily given by a customer to certain service sector workers such as hospitality for the service they have performed, in addition to the basic price of the service.”

Since the COVID-19 lockdowns, I’ve stopped frequenting many establishments as a result of behavior from employees in regard to tipping entitlement (belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges). Here, “entitled” is having a perceived right to certain benefits.

Have you experienced a similar phenomenon as I? You go to a fast food spot or a coffee shop, and out comes a digital pad as an employee says something along the lines of, “It’s [the pad] gonna ask you a question. Just choose your option.” Usually, there are four choices.

I’ve observed gratuity options which list: no tip, 25%, 30%, or 35%. Generally, the choices I’ve most frequently encountered are: no tip, 5%, 15%, or 20%. Mind you, this is for merely handing me a premade fast food or coffee item. Forbid that a person select the “no tip” option!

Yet, I’m just that sort of person if the situation calls for it. This is because I practice Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). Using this psychotherapeutic model, which targets unhelpful self-disturbance, I understand that guilt and shame are choices. Thus, I opt out!

Moreover, I’ve chosen to not to offer patronage to establishments which apparently value entitlement over customer satisfaction. Why would I choose to positively reinforce behavior which I maintain is morally and ethically reprehensible? That’s downright irrational!

The American Psychological Association defines entitlement as “unreasonable claims to special consideration, especially as a disturbance of self-concept in narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).” Even if one doesn’t meet the full criteria for NPD, traits of entitlement may still exist.

Noteworthy, in 2023, I received training as a Certified Personality Disorder Treatment Provider (C-PD). Given this psychoeducational foundation, I recognize that disordered personality traits of NPD are still observable regarding those people who fail to qualify for the actual diagnosis.

Is this to suggest that most or all people who behave in an entitled manner are narcissists when they use demandingness narratives (e.g., you should tip service staff)? No. Still, I acknowledge that many of these individuals meet the standard for entitlement, of which one source states:

According to the DSM-5 [Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders], individuals with [NPD] are likely to have a “sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others,” typically without commensurate qualities or accomplishments. Similarly, the narcissistic personality attempts to protect the vulnerable self by building layers of grandiosity and a huge sense of entitlement.

When the subject’s entitlement is threatened, they engage in harmful behaviors and will lean on to their image or esteem conjured by the individuals around them. Narcissists may also engage in entitled behavior by increasing their social standing through select interactions.

Rather than the personal anecdotes I’ve offered thus far, perhaps a real-world example of entitlement may enrich your understanding. Herein, I’ll dispute the perspective of a particular individual. Yet, before I proceed, allow me to offer a unique disclaimer.

Any and all individuals discussed, alluded to, or inferred herein are not the subject of criticism. Rather, in the interest of REBT daily practice, I’m observing and commenting on opinions, ideas, thoughts, and beliefs. Also, nothing stated herein is meant to serve as a diagnosis for anyone.

Moving on. When browsing the TikTokCringe subreddit, I observed a video of an individual who discussed the matter of gratuity. In part, this reported service worker, self-identifying as a restaurant server, stated:

Last year, Jeff Bezos came into my restaurant, and I had the opportunity to serve him. And he did not pay the bill. In fact, I was told that “Jeff doesn’t get the bill,” and that the bill will be delivered to his two security guards that sat at the bar and watched him eat.

With a background in law enforcement and diplomatic security, this is unremarkable. In the interest of personal protection, the principal (protected individual) has as little contact with people as necessary. Also, why is the person in the video discussing an old event? She continues:

To which, of nobody’s surprise, they left a 20% tip—

Here, the person uses a referential index shift (the deliberate or natural change in the referential index, or the subject, perspective, or reference point of a sentence or statement). By “nobody’s surprise,” one presumes she’s referring to herself. She continues:

—which I’m always grateful for, you know. Any tip is better than no tip. But it made me sick that that man could hand every single person in that restaurant $60 million, and the next 27 generations of his family would still be able to not lift a pretty little finger and be able to survive.

In this admission, the individual uses a low frustration tolerance (LFT) narrative (i.e., it made me sick) when expressing how little tolerance she has for the fact that she ostensibly didn’t receive that to which she presumably was entitled—$60 million, or at least a larger tip. She continues:

He [Bezos] was actually very nice and addressed me by my first name, and was very respectful… remembered  my name the whole time. And even Lauren was very sweet. But it just blew my mind that they’ve rid themselves of the responsibility of knowing what the bill was, because then, that way, they kind of bypassed me as a server – being able to say, “Oh, well, Jeff didn’t tip me.”

This is an individual who apparently lacks comprehension of personal responsibility and accountability. Responsibility is defined as the quality or state of being responsible, such as a moral, legal, or mental accountability. Here, “responsible” is liable to be called on to answer.

Accountability is defined as the quality or state of being accountable, especially as an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions. Here, “accountable” is subject to giving an account. Here, “account” is a statement explaining one’s conduct.

When providing psychoeducational lessons on REBT, I invite people to take personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”) for their own reactions to undesirable activating events. In this way, Bezos isn’t to blame for this person’s reaction.

Rather, taking personal ownership is antithetical to self-entitlement. Besides, according to one source, a tip of “18% or 20% for an average dining experience” is standard in the United States. The individual in the video admitted to having received 20%. She continues:

His [Bezos] security did [tip], like, hmmm, and no tea [gossip], no shade [judgement]; nice doesn’t pay the bills. You know, I’m not ever expecting somebody to give more, or anything at all.

Stating that one doesn’t intend to gossip or cast judgment while simultaneously gossiping and casting judgment is a matter of irrationality. Also, if one doesn’t expect people to provide a tip, then why post a three-minute and 33-second video on TikTok about the matter? She continues: 

You know, I feel truly grateful when people when people tip. My service was good. But for them to speak so highly to me, of me – Jeff and Lauren told me my smile was contagious – like, they were very nice, which made it harder for me to, kind of, accept.

Using the ABC model of REBT, there’s focus on an Action-Consequence (A-C) connection versus a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. The physical or naturalistic world involves A-C connections, though the psychological world of an individual relates to B-C connections.

As an example, had Bezos stabbed the server with a fork (Action), then the individual posting the TikTok video would have bled (Consequence). From an A-C perspective, punctures with eating utensils can cause physical harm.

However, if this imagined stabbing occurred (Action) and the server Believed, “I can’t stand that this has happened,” then her LFT narrative would cause self-disturbance in the form of anger (Consequence). From a B-C outlook, what people tell themselves causes psychological harm.

Fortunately for Bezos and the server, neither of these A-C or B-C scenarios was experienced. Yet, the individual in the TikTok video does appear to have used a B-C narrative by convincing herself that money to which she was entitled wasn’t received, and this “made it harder” for her.

Additionally, I argue that this person didn’t have a difficult time accepting the undesirable experience (i.e., Action of tipping). Instead, she seems to have disturbed herself with an entitled perception (i.e., Belief about tipping). She continues:

Like, you didn’t even look at the bill, and you rid yourself of that responsibility. And, again, like, that compliment, unfortunately, doesn’t get to be split between the 47 people that are working right now. And you could have changed some lives in there.

The distorted inference ostensibly used by this individual (i.e., “you could have changed some lives”) is that Bezos should have changed some lives by tipping more. According to whom, other than the server, is this objectively true? It isn’t!

Although the person posting the TikTok video may’ve preferred that Bezos pay more for the service he reportedly received, there was nothing more than entitled expectation to receive added gratuity. Taking personal ownership of one’s reaction to this event would be wise. She continues:

And it would’ve meant nothing to you. You wouldn’t have even noticed the difference in your bank account, and yet you tipped the same amount that a hardworking person would if they liked your service on a regular Tuesday.

Imagine going out to eat. From the moment you’re spotted by restaurant staff, they’ve already made up their minds that they’re entitled to more of your money. No, not because of the actual goods or services provided. Rather, you exist in whatever capacity you do. Thus, you owe them!

To you, does this seem logical and reasonable (collectively “rational”)? If so, I invite you to sign up for services with Hollings Therapy, LLC so I can take everything you have, simply because you exist in whatever capacity you do, by demanding gratuity for services /s. She continues:

Like, yeah, just with everything, I’m seeing the millions of dollars that they’re [presumably Jeff and Lauren] spending on this wedding. And just the showboat that it is, it’s quite pathetic that you couldn’t even tip your server a little over 20%.

Earlier in the video, this person made the case for a self-entitled $60 million. She even admitted that Bezos’s personnel security guards were apparently the people who tipped her. Now, she’s advocating “a little over 20%” gratuity, which calls into question one’s integrity. She continues:

Like, no joke, and I’m not saying that from an entitled place.

Apparently, this person actively disputes her own irrational beliefs in the moment of recording the video. Rather than using rationality, she seems to have favored rationalization (describing, interpreting, or explaining something in a way that makes it seem proper). She continues:

But one time, Steve Carell came into my restaurant. His bill was $400, and he left a $1,000 tip. Like, just because he has it and he understands the working class, you know?

The syllogism used here is a modus ponens form (i.e., if p, then q; p; therefore, q). If Steve Carell is willing to redistribute his wealth, then Jeff Bezos should also be willing to redistribute his wealth. Although this is logical, I argue that it isn’t reasonable.

Justifying (i.e., reasoning) perceived entitlement to another person’s earnings, based on gibs (i.e., gibs [give] me what I demand), doesn’t actually entitle anyone to another individual’s money. This is the case even if Carell reportedly provided an exorbitant tip to the server. She continues:

But it makes me quite sad for Bezos. And knowing he’s a Capricorn, as well, kind of, just solidifies the shadow of a Capricorn. And when they’re not evolved, like, he is literally the richest man in the world, and still acting like the brokest one. Let that speak for itself.

No. I won’t let the absurdity of astrology speak for itself. Imagine if I were to allege that Bezos supposedly under-tipped, because an unfalsifiable shadowy figure from an alternate dimension was in control of the billionaire’s finances. Would the sever “let that speak for itself”?

Consider Hitchens’s razor—what can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence. Now contemplate the Sagan standard— extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. I prefer these rational perspectives than to dignify astrological claims. She continues:

Even with this $50 million wedding, he’s [Bezos] still acting like the brokest one. We’ve seen those wedding invites. And I’m just sharing my experience here, because I really do think that people that have an unfathomable amount of money can really change the world, and should change the world.

First, the server appears to have advocated a $60 million tip, which is substantially more than her cited evidence of a $50 million dollar wedding about which she gripes, whines, bitches, moans, complains, whinges, vents, etc. Therefore, she seems jealous and envious.

Second, use of “just” (i.e., I’m just sharing my experience) appears to serves as a thinly veiled excuse for irrational justification of the server’s entire argument. It isn’t as though her TikTok video will result in Bezos admitting to wrongdoing. Thus, her effort seems self-serving.

Third, hyperbole (i.e., an unfathomable amount of money) does nothing to persuade me in favor of the server’s argument. Bezos’s fortune can actually be calculated. Perhaps being straightforward with one’s beliefs, rather than exaggerating, would be more convincing.

Last, this individual finally admits her irrational demandingness narrative (i.e., rich people should change the world). Arguably, Bezos has already done that. There is a pre- and post-Bezos era. It may not be the “change” for which the server was looking, though he has changed things.

Bear in mind that people who narcissistically dabble in entitlement – not to say that this is true of the server – will make post hoc (after the fact) arguments in support of their own bias. This approach to life isn’t a method of rational living. She continues:

You know, like, I have so many big visions of how I would help everyone and everything around me with that much money. And knowing he could, but didn’t, was really disappointing.

Incorrect! Per the ABC model, people aren’t disappointed by Actions. Rather, people disappoint themselves (Consequence) with the Beliefs they use. The server ostensibly maintained a philosophy of life regarding entitlement, and thus disappointed herself. She continues:

So, I don’t know. Please, Mr. Bezos, don’t block me out of [Amazon] Prime. Unfortunately, I am a Prime user. Love what you’ve done there! Just don’t really, uhh, don’t really love everything else you’re doing.

Here, a modus tollens syllogism is at play (i.e., if p, then q; not q; therefore, not p). If she loves everything Bezos does, then she’ll accept his behavior. She doesn’t accept Bezos’s behavior. Therefore, she doesn’t love everything he does. This is an irrational proposition.

That was the end of video. Given the disputational points I offered concerning her monologue, what do you think about this matter? I’m not asking if you agree with this individual. Instead, I’m inquiring as to whether or not you comprehend how irrational her position was.

Personally, the best Redditor comment on the video was, “Last I checked, tips aren’t dependent on the income of the customer. They depend on the amount of the bill and how the service was.” Unless there was $60 million worth of goods and services, a 20% tip was reasonable.

In any event, a narcissistic trait of entitlement – regardless of whether or not an individual has an NPD diagnosis – was the underlying thread in the Reddit video. Once one understands this trait and how irrational behavior follows the narratives it uses, then one can dispute these attitudes.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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