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Writer's pictureDeric Hollings

A Side-Angle

 

Bowenian family therapy uses the concept of an emotional triangle, or triangulation, to symbolize stable relationship networks. Addressing this technique, one source states:

 

The most basic relationship unit is between 2 people (a “dyad”). Families, large groups, and teams are made up of multiple one-on-one relationships. But as any engineer will tell you, a triangle is the most stable shape out there. That fact holds true even outside of construction. Relationships that include a “third point” can often withstand more pressure.

 

A triangle might occur between 3 people (for example 2 parents and their child), or between 2 people and a third element (such as work or illness). The trouble is, adding a third point (usually unknowingly) can stop you from actually addressing relationship problems head on. And if that “third point” is another person, they might become an unwilling part of your unhealthy relationship dynamic.

 

Although I don’t work with families in my psychotherapeutic practice, I’m familiar with the concept of triangles from counseling and social work graduate programs. Also, I don’t have training in a Bowenian approach to wellness, though I understand the concept of triangles.

 

Also, a number of clients with whom I’ve worked throughout the years have triangulated patterns within their own lives. Herein, I’ll briefly describe a common scenario often brought to sessions by clients. Noteworthy, triangles can exist outside of a familial structure.


 

Think of yourself, person X, and person Y. Perhaps person X is a spouse, sibling, best friend, or someone to whom you’re closest in life. Person Y may be a family member, friend, acquaintance, neighbor, coworker, or someone else to whom you aren’t necessarily as close.

 

Suppose you and person X experience conflict which is inevitable in close-knit relationships. Rather than resolving the matter with person X, you consult person Y about the issue. In so doing, you achieve catharsis—the process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, uncomfortable emotions.

 

You may feel better by bringing person Y into the mix, though consider whether or not your situation actually gets better when doing so. Addressing this matter, the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family states:

 

The patterns in a triangle change with increasing tension. In calm periods, two people are comfortably close “insiders” and the third person is an uncomfortable “outsider.” The insiders actively exclude the outsider, and the outsider may feel rejected and work to get closer to one of them.

 

Someone is always uncomfortable in a triangle and pushing for change. The insiders solidify their bond by choosing each other in preference to the less desirable outsider.

 

When you divulge information about your conflict to person Y, person X may become the outsider. The more you practice this method of feeling better rather than getting better, you may further exclude person X in the process.

 

Now imagine that although person X has been repeatedly otherized, the two of you remain bonded. Although you and person X may resolve conflict, person Y may not have experienced the same resolution. After all, person Y in this scenario may have little to no contact with person X.

 

Despite the fact that you and person X are currently on pleasant terms, person Y may still remember the conflict. Over time, person Y may influence you in regard to person X, as person Y hasn’t moved on from the reminder of repeated conflict. Sound familiar?

 

“You should just let go of person X,” person Y may state, “because you can do better than to remain connected to such a person.” This use of a recommendatory should statement isn’t necessarily unhelpful, as person Y may genuinely care about your wellbeing.

 

However, not always do the persons Y of the world behave in a helpful manner. Suppose person Y uses a conditional should narrative by stating, “You should either choose person X or me, but you can’t maintain contact with us both!” Have you ever faced a similar ultimatum?

 

Rather than referring to this scenario as a triangle, I call it a side-angle. This is because person Y’s behavior is akin to coaching from the sidelines. I recently observed this phenomenon when visiting friends and watching their son playing football.

 

Perhaps you’re familiar with this form of behavior, as you may’ve witnessed parents behaving in a similar manner when attending the sports events of their children. According to one source:

 

As both a coach and a parent, I believe parents coaching from the sideline is one of the most destructive habits in youth sports. It rarely produces better results in the short-term, and over the long-term, it seriously hamstrings the kid’s development and love for the game.

 

A side-angle isn’t much different than coaching from the sidelines. Even if unintentionally unhelpful, a third party serving as a conduit for catharsis or offering input when and where it isn’t necessary can contribute to a damaged relationship.

 

Therefore, I advocate use of psychotherapy so that a somewhat objective third party can help people resolve conflict. I say “somewhat objective,” because I do actually care for the clients with whom I work. Thus, I’m not entirely objective in this regard.

 

Nevertheless, subjectivity of the persons Y of the world may prevent meaningful challenge to your irrational beliefs about situations involving relational discord. Whereas person Y may not be helpful in this role, it’s literally my job to dispute unproductive beliefs in such a manner.

 

Therefore, if you realize that you tend to favor a side-angle, I invite you to consider seeking help from a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) practitioner. Rather than coaching from the sidelines, I’m on the proverbial field with you and I aim to help you actually get better rather than to merely feel better.

 

If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

 

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

 

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!

 

 

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

 

References:

 

Bowen Center for the Study of the Family, The. (n.d.). Triangles. Retrieved from https://www.thebowencenter.org/triangles

Hollings, D. (2022, May 17). Circle of concern. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/circle-of-concern

Hollings, D. (2024, July 9). Conditional should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/conditional-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer

Hollings, D. (2024, April 2). Four major irrational beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/four-major-irrational-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better

Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/

Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching

Hollings, D. (2022, June 23). Meaningful purpose. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/meaningful-purpose

Hollings, D. (2024, April 22). On disputing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-disputing

Hollings, D. (2023, September 3). On feelings. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-feelings

Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist

Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Recommendatory should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/recommendatory-should-beliefs

Human Performance Resources by CHAMP. (2023, July 3). Three’s a crowd: Understand emotional triangles in your relationships. CHAMP. Retrieved from https://www.hprc-online.org/social-fitness/relationship-building/threes-crowd-understand-emotional-triangles-your-relationships

Marschall, A. (2022, January 18). What is Bowenian family therapy? Verywell Mind. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/bowenian-family-therapy-definition-and-techniques-5214558

Whitmer, K. (2021, May 19). Why coaching from the sidelines will always backfire for sports parents. Stack Sports. Retrieved from https://www.stack.com/a/coaching-from-the-sideline-sports-parents-most-destructive-habit/

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