Is This Actually Making Me Feel Better?

[DISCLAIMER]

Among other fatal flaws specific to the ideology of feminism (e.g., no meaningful advocacy to abolish military conscription of males in regard to the Selective Service System) is arguably a framework inferring that males are essentially flawed versions of females. Hear me out.

Schools are said to be designed for girls instead of boys, women reportedly comprise 75% of the human resources field—making the workplace more feminized than decades ago, and it’s said that “Men’s behaviors are becoming more and more like women’s” in the United States (U.S.).

Even within my professional field – among those who care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health – I’ve observed feminist influence. This was first witnessed when attending graduate school for counseling (2009-2011), and then in graduate school for social work (2012-2014).

The field of psychiatry is said to maintain 53.8% female psychiatrists, psychology boasts 64.8% females, there are 75.6% female counselors, and 80.5% female social workers in the U.S. Also, women occupy 75.7% of marital family therapist positions and 65.7% chemical dependency counselor spots.

Granted, I make no moral or ethical claim regarding whether or not the facts I’ve cited herein are good, bad, or otherwise. Rather, I acknowledge that feminism has had an impact on U.S. society.

In specific, if one maintains that males can be made more like females, then observed patterns suggest that a societal shift has already occurred. Reflecting back to my youth, an admittedly anecdotal experience, I recall females encouraging males to “open up” more.

Other boys and I were invited to “express” our “feelings” which presumably related to emotions (i.e., joy, fear, anger, sorrow, disgust, surprise, etc.). However, when negative emotions such as anger and disgust were expressed, we were reprimanded for being perceived as threatening.

At some point, feelings became synonymous with cognitive rather than emotive or sensory content. Whereas one may feel angry (emotion) with tightness in the chest (sensory), I argue that one cannot feel threatened. The latter infers a thought, suspicion, belief, or other cognition.

Nevertheless, I maintain that the feminization of U.S. society – whether debatably deliberate, in alignment with feminist objectives, or as a matter of happenstance – has resulted in illogical and unreasonable (collectively “irrational”) concepts regarding my chosen professional field.

Now, it’s commonplace to suggest that the goal of life coaching and psychotherapy services is to help people feel better instead of assisting people with actually getting better. Feeling better entails “feeling your feelings” and catharsis attained from having expressed one’s grievances.

Contrarily, getting better regards facing unpleasant discomfort, doing something challenging in order to resolve an issue, taking personal ownership for one’s own reaction to problems, and placing less value in how one feels (i.e., cognitively, emotively, or sensationally).

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) operates in this manner and is informed by Stoic philosophy, this post is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

The authors quote Stoic philosopher Seneca who stated, “You cry, I’m suffering severe pain! Are you then relieved from feeling it, if you bear it in an unmanly way?” (page 54). Understandably, those who are influenced by feminist ideology may not appreciate Seneca’s perspective.

Fortunately, I’m free from the victimhood shackles of feminism—an ideology to which I once subscribed. Now, I understand that sitting around and moping about matters of the world isn’t necessarily healthy. Regarding this outlook, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 54):

The next time someone gets upset near you—crying, yelling, breaking something, being pointed or cruel—watch how quickly this statement will stop them cold: “I hope this is making you feel better.”

Because, of course, it isn’t. Only in the bubble of extreme emotion can we justify any of that kind of behavior—and when called to account for it, we usually feel sheepish or embarrassed.

While I don’t intend on fully expanding upon my differences with the psychologist’s worldview herein, I acknowledge that I was once a fan of Jordan Peterson’s perspective. However, the more that I observed his behavior I began to consider Seneca’s outlook on manliness.

Peterson cries in public—a lot! I suspect that if his method of living were efficacious, the psychologist would embody the Stoic principles he once advocated. Yet, he appears to favor a more feminine approach to life these days, crying, being pointed, and whining.

For those individuals to whom that style of living appeals, I wish them all the best. Nonetheless, in my opinion, Peterson doesn’t look as though he’s either feeling better or getting better through use of his techniques. In any case, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 54):

It’s worth applying that standard to yourself. The next time you find yourself in the middle of a freakout, or moaning and groaning with flulike symptoms, or crying tears of regret, just ask: Is this actually making me feel better? Is this actually relieving any of the symptoms I wish were gone?

I admit that in my past I’ve been overly emotional on many, many occasions. Like Peterson, I’ve cried more than I care to admit (though not in public, my guy) and lashed out. Now, through use of Stoic techniques which are incorporated into REBT, I’ve actually gotten a lot better.

To be exceedingly clear, I’m not suggesting that males (boys and men) shouldn’t, mustn’t, or oughtn’t to cry. If people like Peterson choose to spend their lives emoting in public, then so be it (cry on, my dude). As for me, I choose a Stoic existence (though imperfectly). And you?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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