Two Handles

[DISCLAIMER]

The word “handle” has a number of meanings. For instance, a handle is a part that is designed, especially to be grasped by the hand, such as the handle of a kettle. As well, a “handle” can refer to a nickname. For example, in the photo above, I had a couple different handles.

When living with a family that took me into their care from a children’s home, the mother of the family used to call me “Tigger,” referencing a hyper tiger character from the children’s book Winnie-the-Pooh. That handle was given to me, due to my hyperactive behavior.

When I was later diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in adulthood, the handle was revelatory in retrospect. During the same time in my youth, gang members who I befriended gave me the handle “2-Nice.” Among other reasons, I was said to have been “too nice” for them.

Occurring simultaneously with these nicknames, I didn’t have a healthy handle on the actions I took in life. In this regard, the term “handle” relates to a means of understanding or controlling. In one proverbial hand, there was a contradiction (logical incongruity).

I was a member of a church youth group, hyper child within a family that showed me love, and a relatively well-behaved child at school, given my circumstances. In the other hand, I befriended criminally-inclined individuals and acted quite poorly out of an educational or religious setting.

Regarding each expression of a “handle” addressed thus far, I contemplate how far I’ve come since my youth. How did I arrive at my current location in life, given the conflicting handles of my past? To answer this question, I now turn toward a book that I’ve been steadily reading.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

If you’re curious about how it came to be that I got a handle on my life, then I invite you to consider a bit of Stoic wisdom from the past. Specifically, authors of The Daily Stoic quote ancient Stoic philosopher Epictetus who stated (page 186):

Every event has two handles—one by which it can be carried, and one by which it can’t. If your brother does you wrong, don’t grab it by his wronging, because this is the handle incapable of lifting it. Instead, use the other—that he is your brother, that you were raised together, and then you will have hold of the handle that carries.

What Epictetus appears to have advocated was getting a handle on one’s life by grabbing the axiomatic handle of a perspective shift (changing one’s viewpoint or mental lens through which a situation is assessed). Regarding this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 186):

The famous journalist William Seabrook suffered from such debilitating alcoholism that in 1933 he committed himself to an insane asylum, which was then the only place to get treatment for addiction. In his memoir, Asylum, he tells the story of the struggle to turn his life around inside the facility. At first, he stuck to his addict way of thinking—and as a result, he was an outsider, constantly getting in trouble and rebelling against the staff. He made almost no progress and was on the verge of being asked to leave.

Then one day this very quote from Epictetus—about everything having two handles—occurred to him. “I took hold now by the other handle,” he related later, “and carried on.” He actually began to have a good time there. He focused on his recovery with real enthusiasm. “I suddenly found it wonderful, strange, and beautiful, to be sober. . . . It was as if a veil, or scum, or film had been stripped from all things visual and auditory.” It’s an experience shared by many addicts when they finally stop doing things their way and actually open themselves to the perspectives and wisdom and lessons of those who have gone before them.

Drawing from Seabrook’s example, I used a productive handle when in a children’s home while being subject to a token economy (a system of contingency management based on the systematic reinforcement of target behavior). At that time, I eventually came to enjoy structure and routine.

It took a while for me to get a handle on my behavior in order to achieve a high status in the children’s home. Kids received “points” when performing well (i.e., receiving good grades, completing chores, etc.) and lost points when not behaving well (e.g., detention at school).

At first, I rebelled against the point system. Those actions didn’t serve my interests and goals regarding points being exchanged for privileges (e.g., watching television). Privileges were earned, not a right. Thus, I got a handle on my behavior and then enjoyed leisurely activities.

However, when I moved into the home of the family that took me in, privileges were granted without rigorous structure and routine. I didn’t know what to do with myself. In essence, I lost grasp of the handle that secured my behavior.

In retrospect, by that point in life, I was already familiar with institutionalization (an individual’s gradual adaptation to institutional life over a long period, especially when this is seen as rendering them passive, dependent, and generally unsuited to life outside the institution.)

Without proper constraints on my actions, I was given the handles “Tigger” and “2-Nice” by those who knew me. Similar to the photo above, I had a proverbial handle in each of my hands. Both of those handles were contradictory to one another. Ergo, I exhibited nonadaptive behavior.

Attending youth group functions on one hand, though [allegedly] committing crimes on the other hand wasn’t a tenable positon. Just as I spent a lot of time tumbling to the ground when learning how to ski (photo above), I analogously spent a lot of time falling down behaviorally.

Similarly, considering Epictetus’s wisdom, authors of The Daily Stoic state, “There is no promise that trying things this way—of grabbing the different handle—will have such momentous results for you. But why continue to lift by the handle that hasn’t worked?” (page 186).

How did I arrive at my current location in life, given the conflicting handles of my past? I know what it was like to have held tightly to contradicting handles. I also know how I’ve behaved without the proverbial handle of flexible structure and routine.

Personally, something akin to relatively predictable daily living – as was the case when subject to a token economy when living in a children’s home – is preferable to the chaos of unpredictability. Yet, as the authors state, there’s no promise that this method will work for you.

Truly, I’ve had a number of clients who’ve outright refused to properly order their lives. Given that life itself is impermanent and uncertain, I’m merely advocating a perspective shift regarding two handles. Find which handle will carry you to success. Know which one leads to failure.

Once you know which handle is which, then I encourage you to – in Epictetian fashion – hold on to the handle that best serves your interests and goals. In the end, we’re all headed toward death. Perhaps it’s preferable to spend more time upright than tumbling to the ground until then.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

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Holiday, R. and Hanselman, S. (2016). The daily stoic: 366 meditations on wisdom, perseverance, and the art of living. Penguin Random House LLC. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-daily-stoic-366-meditations-on-wisdom-perseverance-and-the-art-of-living-d61378067.html

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