It Isn't Manly to Be Enraged

[DISCLAIMER]

The above photo was taken shortly after my divorce in 2006, when I was employed in the field of nuclear security and my work colleagues nicknamed me “Twist Off” (indicative of one who overreacts in an emotional or behavioral manner, usually by way of explosive anger).

At that time in my life, I knew very little about methods of addressing mental, emotional, and behavioral health. Therefore, I routinely self-disturbed through use of irrational beliefs regarding a great many events in life. When thinking of that period in time, I’m reminded of a book.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Prior to learning about REBT, which I argue with sincerity saved my life, I thought an enraged experience was manly (having qualities traditionally associated with a man or masculinity). After all, this misconception was reinforced by my conditioning in the United States Marine Corps.

In the photo above, I’m wearing a hoodie with the inscription “YEMX” (Upsilon Sigma Mu Chi), which is “USMC” in Greek letters. It represents the “Brotherhood,” a fraternal order of Marines. Also, some Marines claim that USMC stands for “Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children.”

During my military enlistment (1996-2007), Marines prided ourselves for doing three things rather well: fighting, fucking, and drinking. Practicing lifelong sobriety, minus a handful of times during my youth in which I tasted alcohol, I wasn’t an egotist in regard to drinking.

As well, it wasn’t up to me to declare whether or not I performed adequately in the bed. The females with whom I’ve been would be the only individuals who could offer conjecture in that regard. Thus, in keeping with nonofficial Marine Corps tradition, fighting was my chosen forte.

After all, I was introduced to gang members in elementary school when living in Aurora, Colorado, maintained loose ties to gangstas in middle school when living in Amarillo, Texas, and befriended a number of violent gangbangers throughout high school.

As such, fighting was commonplace. Even if not involved in direct confrontation, I learned about indirect use of enraged posturing (assuming an artificial or pretended attitude, particularly one which evokes anger). In my youth, this form of pomposity was said to have been manly.

Bravado of this sort was reinforced by the “Brotherhood” of YEMX. Many years since misunderstanding what my subjective views on manhood would become, I stated in a blogpost entitled Good Man:

While I’m not in a position to label a person good, bad, right, wrong, or otherwise, I’m aware that many self-help gurus, coaches, influencers—or however people choose to label themselves—promote various methods relating to being a man.

Among them are Jordan Peterson, Warren Farrell, Andrew Tate, Jack Murphy, Rollo Tomassi, Paul Elam, and others allegedly aligned with the so-called manosphere. While many of these names may play a role in controversy, I don’t label them evil, righteous, misogynist, philogynist, or otherwise.

I’ll leave the sex and gender-specific mental health and coaching practices to other people.

Is it manly to be enraged? I suspect it depends on who one asks. My friends and brethren from yesteryear would’ve emphatically answered in the affirmative. Yet, authors of The Daily Stoic quote ancient Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius who stated (page 47):

Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on—it isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human, and therefore manlier. A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance—unlike the angry and complaining. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.

One may argue that in his description Aurelius committed the no true Scotsman fallacy (when an individual modifies a prior claim in response to a counterexample by asserting the counterexample is excluded by definition). As an example, no true man would be enraged.

Personally, at this stage in my life, I concur with the perspective of Aurelius in regard to my own life. Concerning the lives of other males, I remain agnostic. How about you? What’s your outlook? Expanding upon this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic offer (page 47):

Try to remember that when you find yourself getting mad. Anger is not impressive or tough—it’s a mistake. It’s weakness. Depending on what you’re doing, it might even be a trap that someone laid for you.

In my youth, my friends used to declare that when an individual was supposedly provoked to anger, that person was said to have been a “bitch” or was accused of “bitching out.” Given the vast similarities between my gang friends and military brothers, Marines used similar terms.

The inference in these phrases is that a male (boy or man) was behaving like a female (girl or woman) when expressing fear, anger, sorrow, or disgust. Understandably, females may reject the framing of this matter. Nevertheless, there’s a deeper point at hand.

In my opinion, whomever it is that becomes self-disturbingly emotive – male or female – isn’t presenting a tough persona. This includes the individual who earned the name “Twist Off” by displaying behavior that would’ve warranted the descriptor “bitch made” when in his youth.

Regarding this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude, “Strength is the ability to maintain a hold of oneself. It’s being the person who never gets mad, who cannot be rattled, because they are in control of their passions—rather than controlled by their passions” (page 47).

Though I’m not quite at monk status, achieving the ability to “never” become angry or enraged, I practice REBT with the hope of one day attaining that level of control over my passions. For now, I maintain that it isn’t manly to be enraged, and I steadily work to reduce self-disturbance.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

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Holiday, R. and Hanselman, S. (2016). The daily stoic: 366 meditations on wisdom, perseverance, and the art of living. Penguin Random House LLC. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-daily-stoic-366-meditations-on-wisdom-perseverance-and-the-art-of-living-d61378067.html

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