When I was a child I was taught to value advice contained in Ephesians 26-27, “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” In particular, I was advised to honor this instruction for intimate partner relationships.
To illustrate the impact of my adherence to this advisement, forgive me a personal anecdote. I lived with a romantic partner for a number of years and during that time we’d argue about various matters. This occurred long before I knew of rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT).
Convinced that many of my arguments were logical and reasonable, I disturbed myself with irrational beliefs about how I should’ve, must’ve, or ought to have clarified my stance during verbal conflict. Equally convinced of the validity of her position my partner rarely budged.
What manner of conflict resolution may exist when two intimate partners are unstoppably and unmovably fixated on proving the legitimacy of their arguments? Therein, a paradox was presented. According to one source:
The irresistible force paradox (also unstoppable force paradox or shield and spear paradox), is a classic paradox formulated as “What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?”
The immovable object and the unstoppable force are both implicitly assumed to be indestructible, or else the question would have a trivial resolution. Furthermore, it is assumed that they are two entities.
The paradox arises because it rests on two incompatible premises—that there can exist simultaneously such things as unstoppable forces and immovable objects.
That which is rational is said to adhere to both logical and reasonable propositions. To better understand the irresistible force paradox, consider the following syllogism:
Form (composition) –
If p, then q; and if p, then r; therefore if p is true, then q and r are true.
Example –
Major premise: If it’s imperative to prove oneself right in an argument between two intimate partners, then the unstoppable force of my argument will reign supreme.
Minor premise: If it’s imperative to prove oneself right in an argument between two intimate partners, then the immovability of my partner’s argument will prevail.
Conclusion: Therefore, if it’s true that it’s imperative to prove oneself right in an argument between two intimate partners, then it’s also true that the unstoppable force of my argument will reign supreme and the immovability of my partner’s argument will prevail.
Although the logical form of the major and minor premises is intact, these propositions lead to an unreasonable conclusion. Thus, this syllogistically-formed belief is irrational.
Because my romantic partner and I foolishly believed in paradoxically unsound heuristics, we spent a significant amount of time arguing. Add to this equation my foundational belief in not allowing the sun to set upon my anger, and there were many wasted nights spent in conflict with her.
Regarding this matter, the authors of Creative Marriage state (page 64):
The old adage that a couple should “never go to sleep on a problem” is, at times, misleading. Some problems are far too complex to solve in one sitting and a bleary-eyed and irritable couple at 3:00 a.m. is less likely to see a solution than the same couple well-rested eight, ten, or forty hours later.
Regrettably, at that time in my life I was unaware of REBT, the irresistible force paradox, or wisdom regarding how taking time to cool off when hotheaded argumentation impacts a pair-bond may be more healthy than simply arguing through a problem when both partners are exhausted.
Looking back, I don’t think much was ever resolved when verbally fighting with my partner at 3:00 a.m. However, we did spend the days following marathon argument sessions depleted of energy. That wasn’t great. The authors continue (page 64):
Sometimes, instead of being promptly arrived at in the course of discussions, marital solutions are formulated and worked out unconsciously in the daily living which follows such discussions. Stages of attack can at times be scheduled, first there can be discussion; then a period for contemplation and possible action; then perhaps a review of the situation some time later.
Imagining that my intimate partner and I could’ve taken time to digest the content of an argument when well-rested, I suspect the romantic relationship would’ve lasted much longer than it ultimately did. Helpfully, the authors suggest (page 65):
If the modem married couple must have a maxim to live by in this Age of Anxiety, a most appropriate one might be: Take it easy! Tomorrow will be another, and just possibly a brighter, day.
Perhaps at some historical time you were engaged in a heated argument with your romantic partner. Even if that period was five minutes ago, it’s in the past. Think back in time; how important was it to continue in the heat of the moment versus taking time to cool off?
Presumably, if the conflict occurred more than relatively five minutes ago, another day appeared. Perhaps it was a brighter day, perhaps not. Irrespective of whether or not the passage of time beyond your argument was perceived as positive, neutral, or negative, life continued nonetheless.
This is an important take away. Disallowing the sun to go down when you’re angry may be a rational option for some times. However, I argue that it isn’t entirely feasible for all times.
Besides, when being overly concerned about providing “the devil a foothold,” what do you think will be accomplished by exhaustedly arguing at the so-called witching hour that occurs “immediately after midnight and the time between 3:00 am and 4:00 am.”?
Instead of late-night verbal fights, maybe get some sleep instead.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
Ellis, A. and Harper, R. A. (1961). Creative Marriage. The Institute For Rational Living, Inc. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/creative-marriage-e184052310.html
Gpointstudio. (n.d.). He was my big mistake [Image]. Freepik. Retrieved from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/he-was-my-big-mistake_11208580.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=30&uuid=4e544c17-bcd5-4173-9267-1e3f5ccb976a
Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer
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Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better
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Hollings, D. (2022, August 8). Was Freud right? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/was-freud-right
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Irresistible force paradox. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irresistible_force_paradox#:~:text=The%20irresistible%20force%20paradox%20(also,unstoppable%20forces%20and%20immovable%20objects.
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Witching hour. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Witching_hour
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