Rejected and Dejected

[DISCLAIMER]

I often hear people discuss a misperceived Action-Consequence (A-C) connection, rather than a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection, regarding dissolved intimate partner relationships. I, too, once misinterpreted how it was that I was self-disturbing about undesirable circumstances.

For most of my life, I was unaware of the fact that I created my own misery when other types of relationships also fell apart (i.e., familial, friendships, coworkers, etc.). For context about this self-upsetting phenomenon, it may be useful to discuss a helpful psychotherapeutic modality.

Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption and not the occurrence itself that causes an unpleasant Consequence.

Before I go any further, it may be of use to define a couple terms. To be “rejected” means to not be given approval or acceptance. To be “dejected” means to be low in spirits or depressed. The former term regards an A-C connection while the latter suggests the B-C connection.

Now consider that one of an individual’s most meaningful relationships in life is arguably that pertaining to the bond between a mother and a child. In my case, my late mom subjected me to multiple traumatic experiences perhaps more so than she took the opportunity to show me love.

As an example, my mom rejected me on multiple occasions which ultimately led to my placement in a children’s home when in the seventh grade (Action). Looking back, becoming a resident of the facility was perhaps the best thing that could’ve happened to me at the time.

However, as a child, I unhelpfully Believed about the placement, “Mothers should love their children enough to never reject them, and it’s awful that I don’t have a mom who loves me like that. In fact, I can’t stand this situation, because it proves that I’m unlovable!”

As a result of my unfavorable Beliefs, I disturbed myself into a dejected condition while experiencing racing thoughts (cognitive), sorrow (emotive), heaviness throughout my body (sensational), and profuse crying (behavioral) all as causative Consequences of my attitude.

From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a B-C connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there’s no A-C connection. My dejection related to the former while my mom’s rejection illustrated the latter.

For instance, my mom rejected me (Action) by placing me in a children’s home (Consequence). In the physical world, a child becoming a resident of a children’s home doesn’t necessarily cause a cognitive, emotive, sensational, or behavior outcome. Rather, it simply suggests an A-C factor.

Alternatively, when my mom rejected me (Action) and I Believed unproductive self-narratives, then my perception of the situation caused unpleasant Consequences. Thus, dejection stemmed from a B-C connection. When I was rejected and dejected, life was miserable.

However, mere rejection isn’t what caused dejection. Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of these unproductive assumptions in order to explore Effective new beliefs. This is how to un-disturb oneself.

Likewise, REBT uses the technique of unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance. Simply, the ABC model is preventative and UA is abortive.

Had I known about REBT when exposed to a negative family climate in childhood, I may’ve been able to prevent an unpleasant dejected experience by challenging unhelpful self-narratives. Also, I could’ve aborted unfavorable attitudes about being rejected by accepting life as it was.

“Wait a minute, Deric,” you may counter, “I thought this post was about intimate partner relationships. Have you deviated from the topic by discussing your mom, like deviant Sigmund Freud!?” To answer this question, I invite you to consider study results discussed by one source:

This study suggests that adolescents who grow up in positive family climates with effective parenting are more likely to have healthy romantic relationships as young adults.

In addition, adolescents who are more assertive and behave positively with their families also help create a positive family climate. “The family relationship is the first intimate relationship of your life, and you apply what you learn to later relationships.”

I suspect that REBT theorists, educators, and practitioners wouldn’t refute claims of the referenced study. Presuming that you concur with the findings as well, I maintain that my ignorance of REBT techniques in adolescence and early adulthood supported the study results.

In particular, when exhibiting unhealthy pair-bonding behavior regarding marriage in early adulthood, I irrationally sought to counter the undesirable experience with my mom in my youth by selecting a woman who psychologically mirrored my mother. It was an unfortunate practice.

Again, it may help to define another term. Often, I hear people discussing “trauma” as pertaining to just about any and every imaginable frustration, annoyance, disappointment, or displeasing event. However, the American Psychological Association defines this term thusly:

[A]ny disturbing experience that results in significant fear, helplessness, dissociation, confusion, or other disruptive feelings intense enough to have a long-lasting negative effect on a person’s attitudes, behavior, and other aspects of functioning.

Traumatic events include those caused by human behavior (e.g., rape, war, industrial accidents) as well as by nature (e.g., earthquakes) and often challenge an individual’s view of the world as a just, safe, and predictable place.

I maintain that life is an impermanent and uncertain experience. Although one may be rejected in association with a traumatic event (e.g., my mom attempting to kill her children and later sending them to a children’s home), dejection occurs from a B-C connection regarding the experience.

In childhood, I was subjected to many traumatic events by way of my mother and I knew nothing of the ABC model or UA. Therefore, I unfavorably self-disturbed. This included B-C behavior regarding “trauma reenactment,” as one source describes the phenomenon thusly:

Repetition compulsion [also known as trauma reenactment] involves repeatedly engaging in behaviors or seeking experiences that echo early life experiences, including past traumas. Despite the negative consequences that a person experiences, they continue to seek out reminders of their trauma.

This unpleasant behavior heavily influenced how I selected the woman who later became my wife. As delusional as it was, I believed that if I could attain the affection of a woman who would likely reject me, the dejection I endured in childhood would’ve been marvelously undone.

However, this isn’t how life actually works. I was eventually rejected again. Yet, the B-C dejection I experienced in childhood was then compounded in adulthood. All of that suffering was a result of my unhelpful B-C connection, as none of it was to be blamed on anyone else.

In REBT, personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”) is used to preemptively and abortively un-disturb oneself. Yes, I was treated poorly by my late mom and ex-wife. However, I take ownership of my reaction to those actions.

This is a matter discussed in the book Creative Marriage. Describing the psychological processes of another person as “wheel-turning” (i.e., mentally and emotionally rejecting someone), and one’s own turning of the “wheels” (i.e., dejection), the authors state (page 167):

[O]ther people’s acceptance and warmth toward you are as much your behavior as theirs. They turn the wheels in their heads, all right; but you also turn the wheels in your head to react to their wheel-turning; and it is actually your reaction rather than their action which has by far the greatest effect on you.”

I was conclusively rejected by my mom and wife. Nevertheless, those individuals didn’t need to own the dejected experience I endured. The self-disturbed condition, which was caused by a B-C connection, was mine and only mine to own. The same is true of your B-C self-disturbance.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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