Throughout my youth, I encountered an oft-repeated stereotype about males (boys and men) regarding communication—a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, speech, or behavior.
The idea held as standard was that males were largely non-communicative, that we ostensibly communicated in unintelligible grunts and moans. On the other hand, females (girls and women) were said to behave in a hyper-verbal manner—tending to talk with increased pace and capacity.
Although some stereotypes may exist for a valid reason, I didn’t identify with this particular standard which was attributed to me. For context, my dad was quite difficult to silence much of the time.
He would tell grand stories about the past, speak in metaphors, discuss theological and philosophical matters in depth, and he appeared fond of intentionally testing social norms through the presentation of boorish commentary with which others seemed uncomfortable.
According to my late stepmom, my dad’s personality served as the blueprint for my own. Admittedly, I’ve mostly gotten along better with females than males, as did my dad, largely due to the fact that I’ve communicated more than other boys and men tend to on average.
Perhaps my subjective lived experience serves as little more than the exception that proves the rule of the stereotype addressed herein. Nevertheless, I’ve met many males throughout my lifetime who’ve communicated as much as I, so perhaps generalizations have limited value.
In any case, when practicing Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I invite males and females alike to practice open, honest, and vulnerable communication. As I’ve provided a description of the latter term, it may be useful to define the former.
When speaking of being open, I’m referring to that which is free from concealment and exposed to the general view or knowledge. In this way, openness is characterized by ready accessibility and usually a generous attitude when engaging in dialogue.
When referring to honest, I’m talking about that which is free from fraud or deception. As such, honesty reflects fairness and straightforwardness of conduct when communicating.
When referencing vulnerable, I’m discussing that which is capable of being emotionally wounded. Therefore, vulnerability is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of one’s position being perceivably attacked or harmed.
An example of open, honest, and vulnerable communication results when an individual is willing expose motivations (open) without concealment (honest) and by allowing one’s thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and behavior to be critiqued (vulnerable) when talking (communication).
This isn’t always an easy or comfortable process, because people tend to conceal motivations in discourse when unproductively subscribing to assumptions about open, honest, and vulnerable communication. To better understand what I mean, consider the following helpful REBT tool.
REBT theory uses the ABC model to illustrate how when Activating events (“Actions”) occur and people maintain irrational Beliefs about the events, these unhelpful assumptions – and not the actual occurrences – are what create unpleasant cognitive, emotive, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people use: demandingness, awfulizing, low frustration tolerance, and global evaluations. Addressing these, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unhelpful assumptions in order to explore Effective new beliefs.
Given this framework, when a person engages in communication (Action) while unproductively Believing, “I shouldn’t be forthright with others, because it would be awful to have information used against me,” then this unhelpful assumption leads to closed, dishonest, and non-vulnerable communication (Consequence).
Does such behavior serve a person’s interests and goals? I concede that this matter is situation-dependent. For context, consider that in the Marine Corps my job was military police and I received focused training on interviews and interrogations.
Law enforcement personnel are legally permitted to lie to an interviewed or interrogated individual in order to elicit a confession. This means that when meeting with police for the purpose of evidence-gathering, one supplies communicative ammunition for one’s own proverbial firing squad.
Therefore, I can understand the argument that in order to preserve justice, not practicing open, honest, and vulnerable communication during a police interrogation until one’s retained attorney is present may serve personal interests and goals. (This isn’t meant to constitute legal advice.)
Aside from this specific instance, does withholding information in a conversation with one’s friends, family, or other loved ones serve an individual’s desires and ambitions to establish healthy bonds? I suppose it all depends on one’s subjective aims.
Similarly, does practice of secrecy in psychotherapy strengthen the therapeutic alliance? I’ve discovered clients having remained silent about their actual presenting problems for lengthy periods of times, as though I was somehow expected to intuit what was within their minds.
I’m not a mind reader. Chances are you aren’t either. Moreover, I doubt anyone you know is capable of demonstrating this ability. Thus, open, honest, and vulnerable communication is necessary in order to attain and maintain healthy relationships of various sorts.
Although this tool isn’t REBT-specific, I posit that it’s important to understand that helpful, productive, favorable, and healthy communication begins with openness, honesty, and vulnerability. If you’d like to know about other tools which may serve your interests and goals, I look forward to hearing from you.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
Hollings, D. (2022, October 31). Demandingness. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/demandingness
Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer
Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Fair use. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fair-use
Hollings, D. (2024, April 2). Four major irrational beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/four-major-irrational-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better
Hollings, D. (2023, September 13). Global evaluations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/global-evaluations
Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/
Hollings, D. (2024, January 2). Interests and goals. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/interests-and-goals
Hollings, D. (2023, May 18). Irrational beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/irrational-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching
Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Lived experience. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/lived-expereince
Hollings, D. (2022, December 2). Low frustration tolerance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/low-frustration-tolerance
Hollings, D. (2024, April 22). On disputing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-disputing
Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist
Hollings, D. (2024, March 21). Putting toothpaste back into the tube. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/putting-toothpaste-back-into-the-tube
Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt
Hollings, D. (2024, April 21). Sensation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/sensation
Hollings, D. (2022, October 7). Should, must, and ought. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/should-must-and-ought
Hollings, D. (2022, November 9). The ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-abc-model
Hollings, D. (2024, January 11). Therapeutic alliance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/therapeutic-alliance
Hollings, D. (2022, November 15). To don a hat. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-don-a-hat
Wayhomestudio. (n.d.). Friends at a pub having fun [Image]. Freepik. Retrieved from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/friends-pub-having-fun_10112830.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=52&uuid=75b9edbd-05b4-4b33-b827-f2d41e2f22dc
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