Problem Solving in Regard to Anger: How to Eat an Elephant

[DISCLAIMER]

Many years ago, when I was relatively new to the field of mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”), I worked with children (also referred to as “littles”). On one particular day, the woman tasked with training me used an expression I found humorous.

“How do you eat an elephant?” she asked a little as I shadowed my trainer. The child client sat for a moment and thought. “I don’t know,” the little said when shrugging. “One bite at a time,” my trainer responded. All three people in the room then laughed at the obvious answer.

What my trainer illustrated was a lesson in problem solving. Addressing this topic, the American Psychological Association (APA) thusly describes this approach to mental health:

[T]he process by which individuals attempt to overcome difficulties, achieve plans that move them from a starting situation to a desired goal, or reach conclusions through the use of higher mental functions, such as reasoning and creative thinking.

Problem solving is seen in nonhuman animals in laboratory studies involving mazes and other tests as well as in natural settings to obtain hidden foods. Many animals display problem-solving strategies, such as the win–stay, lose–shift strategy, which allows an animal to solve a new problem quickly based on whether the first response was successful or unsuccessful.

Both human and nonhuman animals use problem-solving techniques. Regarding my role as a professional mental health care provider, I rely on a particular psychotherapeutic modality that uses specific techniques to help people achieve success with their subjective interests and goals.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

My REBT approach to problem solving isn’t much different than the strategy I once learned when working with littles. If one is faced with what seems like a daunting task, then one can address the matter one step at a time. Regarding this approach, Epictetus stated (page 156):

If you don’t wish to be a hot-head, don’t feed your habit. Try as a first step to remain calm and count the days you haven’t been angry. I used to be angry every day, now every other day, then every third or fourth . . . if you make it as far as 30 days, thank God!

For habit is first weakened and then obliterated. When you can say ‘I didn’t lose my temper today, or the next day, or for three or four months, but kept my cool under provocation,’ you will know you are in better health.

Epictetus effectively used an elephant-eating strategy toward the unhealthy negative emotion of anger. Noteworthy, not all anger is unhealthy. For context, the APA thusly defines anger:

[A]n emotion characterized by tension and hostility arising from frustration, real or imagined injury by another, or perceived injustice. It can manifest itself in behaviors designed to remove the object of the anger (e.g., determined action) or behaviors designed merely to express the emotion (e.g., swearing).

Anger is distinct from, but a significant activator of, aggression, which is behavior intended to harm someone or something. Despite their mutually influential relationship, anger is neither necessary nor sufficient for aggression to occur.

No longer working with littles, I now work solely with adults. Often, I address issues regarding hostility, rage, aggression, and violence. Now, I’ll ask that you forgive me a personal anecdote to demonstrate the difference between healthy versus unhealthy anger with associated behaviors.

For many years, I’ve been friends with persons XX and XY—a married couple. I’ve known the latter for over 30 years and the former for just under 20 years. Up until recently, I dearly loved them both. Let’s put a pin in why I used the past tense of love.

Within my blog, I make no secret of the fact that I was subjected to multiple traumatic experiences in my childhood. For instance, I frequently endured domestic violence (DV), as the APA thusly describes this matter:

[A]ny action by a person that causes physical harm to one or more members of their family unit. For example, it can involve battering of one partner by another (partner abuse), violence against children by a parent, or violence against elders by younger family members.

When living with my dad, he regularly battered me. I endured mental, emotional, and physical abuse, as I developed resilience to DV. Many years after having lived with him, I learned that my dad also allegedly battered my younger sister and late stepmom.

When I discovered this matter, during a time when I knew nothing about the ABC model or unconditional acceptance (UA)—problem-solving techniques used in REBT, I expressed the opportunity, intent, and capability to kill my dad. I’m not proud of this admission.

Unfavorably, my absolutistic demand was that although I could tolerate and accept the experience of DV, my dad absolutely mustn’t batter females. After all, I unhelpfully reasoned, I was taught to provide for and protect girls and women, and never batter them. He taught me that.

Favorably, my stepmom was able to negotiate a helpful compromise to my plan. I’d allow my dad to stay above ground, though I would never again be in his presence. Even regarding that plan, I rigidly used a conditional demand that had unpleasant consequences.

Essentially, I maintained that either I must kill my dad in retaliation for DV, or I mustn’t visit his home ever again. While the negotiated compromise helpfully spared my dad’s life, it simultaneously deprived my stepmom of direct physical access to me. She’s currently dead.

Now, let’s take the pin out of why I used the past tense of love concerning persons XX and XY. I recently learned that person XY allegedly subjected person XX to a DV experience. Unlike when I used rigid absolutistic and conditional demands when not knowing REBT, I now know better.

Problem solving in regard to anger, I considered how to eat an elephant. I could’ve lapsed back into my old ways which represented a different individual than the one currently drafting this blogpost. That was option one. I could’ve simply done nothing at all. That was option two.

I could’ve spoken with person XY about how his unhealthy negative anger impacts his family. That was option three. I could’ve eaten one bite at a time of the apparently discouraging problem by using REBT and stimulus control. That was option four—the one I selected.

Option one isn’t something I care to entertain ever again. Option two doesn’t represent the concept of who I am or that for which I stand. Option three was attempted many times as of recent, to no avail. Thus, using UA, option four was a viable problem-solving strategy.

This requires that I acknowledge how little control and influence I have. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to influence person XY to ostensibly keep his hands off the throat of person XX. Therefore, I admit that the only actual control I have in this matter regards my reaction to apparent DV.

Consideration of those options took several bites of the proverbial elephant. Another considerable bite occurred when I was able to admit to myself that the healthy negative emotion of anger was rational (in accordance with both logic and reason). Not all anger is unhealthy.

I argue that it’s a matter of rationality to be angry that someone I love, person XX, has reportedly been impacted by DV. Further, I maintain that I don’t love fallible human beings who willfully and unrelentingly subject their family members to battery, as person XY is alleged to have done.

Therefore, I no longer love this individual. Comprehensibly, eating of the elephant isn’t an entirely pleasant matter. Nevertheless, it’s a necessary measure for me to undergo. This leads to the next bite, regarding whether or not a conditional demand would be useful.

It’s worth noting that not all conditions (premises upon which the fulfillment of an agreement depends) are unhelpful or irrational. As an example, either I preferably should wipe after defecating, or my anus will be itchy. This is a rational condition.

With this understanding, I took a large bite of the elephant when coordinating a plan with person XX, involving a rational condition. Either I preferably should visit person XX and her children without person XY being present, or I preferably shouldn’t visit until she seeks safety from DV.

Unlike the rigid condition I used regarding my dad, which negatively impacted my stepmom, I developed a flexible condition with person XX that wouldn’t negatively impact her or her children (i.e., completely letting go of all association). This is a rational condition.

Currently, I’m healthily angry concerning the purported behavior of person XY. Contrarily, I’m not angry with him, though I don’t love him. I used problem solving in regard to anger by eating an elephant one bite at a time. Regarding this approach to rational living, one source states:

Problem solving is the process of achieving a goal by overcoming obstacles, a frequent part of most activities. Problems in need of solutions range from simple personal tasks (e.g. how to turn on an appliance) to complex issues in business and technical fields. […]

There are two different types of problems: ill-defined and well-defined; different approaches are used for each. Well-defined problems have specific end goals and clearly expected solutions, while ill-defined problems do not. Well-defined problems allow for more initial planning than ill-defined problems.

Solving problems sometimes involves dealing with pragmatics (the way that context contributes to meaning) and semantics (the interpretation of the problem). The ability to understand what the end goal of the problem is, and what rules could be applied, represents the key to solving the problem. Sometimes a problem requires abstract thinking or coming up with a creative solution.

I propose that my UA approach to problem solving in regard to persons XX and XY represents a well-defined problem with a disappointing outcome, though not a disturbing one. Now, I invite you to contemplate problem solving in regard to anger by considering how to eat an elephant.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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