Thinking About What Other People Think

[DISCLAIMER]

Throughout my life, my behavior has shifted back and forth regarding the hair above my neckline (i.e., on my face and head). This issue represents a changing opinion (a view, judgment, or appraisal formed in the mind about a particular matter), about which I stated in Nightshift:

When I was young, my thick and naturally curly hair grew relatively quickly. Because hairstyling was considered an unaffordable luxury, my mom favored inexpensive buzz cuts (a reference to the buzzing sound of electric clippers when hair is cut close to the scalp).

After being placed in a children’s home, I was given the option to receive either haircuts or hairstyling. I experimented with both options and received mostly positive feedback from others about my thick curls. Interestingly, girls and women seemed particularly enamored with my hair.

Unhelpfully, I learned to place value in the opinions of others more so than to regard my own view. “If you keep wearin’ hats, you’re gonna go bald,” my dad cautioned me, “and girls don’t like baldheads.” I liked baseball hats. Yet, I didn’t want to be rejected if hats made me bald.

“Why’d you cut off all your beautiful curls?” I was asked by one of my closest friends, “you can’t be in my wedding unless you grow your hair out.” I wanted to attend the ceremony, though keeping a low-cut hairstyle in the military was easier to maintain than my naturally curly hair.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret,” a female friend told me, “women don’t like bald heads. You have a good head shape, but we like a full head of hair.” Who was she to speak on behalf of all woman, as though all adult-age females represented a monolith? Still, was she right?

“Oh, your hairline is receding,” a girlfriend told me, “I guess you’re stuck with shaving your head.” I didn’t even pay attention to when my hairline began to recede. Though, there was the woman with whom I was in love alerting me of how potentially unattractive I may one day be.

“What’d you do to your long beard?” a client asked when I presented to a session after having shaved my beard that was previously at a length of my mid chest area, “I don’t know that I like this look. Your beard gave you an air of legitimacy.” Was I thereafter considered illegitimate?

Perusing the Internet recently, I learned of the term “hatfishing” that one source thusly describes, “When someone on a dating site wears a hat in all their pictures to conceal the fact that they are bald.” I guess it’s a good thing that I’ve gone my own way and no longer care to date.

Better still, I’m glad that I practice a psychotherapeutic modality which brings to mind that thinking about what other people think isn’t all that helpful. Now, I invite you to consider a useful psychoeducational lesson that also aligns with a book that I’ve been steadily reading.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Marcus Aurelius said, “I’m constantly amazed by how easily we love ourselves above all others, yet we put more stock in the opinions of others than in our own estimation of self….How much credence we give to the opinions our peers have of us and how little to our very own” (page 166).

At this point in my life, I value self-acceptance more than self-love. Perhaps this is due in part to the fact that in my earlier stages of life—to include the period of early adulthood, I didn’t love or even like myself. Looking back, there’s little wonder as to how it came to be that I hated myself.

Unaware of how to properly practice unconditional self-acceptance (USA), I thought a lot about what other people thought. More than this, I placed significant value in the ever-shifting opinions of others. Regarding this unproductive behavior, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 166):

How quickly we can disregard our own feelings about something and adopt someone else’s. We think a shirt looks good at the store but will view it with shame and scorn if our spouse or a coworker makes an offhand remark.

We can be immensely happy with our own lives—until we find out that someone we don’t even like has more. Or worse and more precariously, we don’t feel good about our accomplishments or talents until some third party validates them.

First things first, regarding the word “feelings” addressed by authors of The Daily Stoic, I stated in a blogpost entitled The Construct:

A “feeling” relates to either: 1. Emotion (i.e., joy, fear, anger, sorrow, disgust, surprise, etc.) or 2. Sensation (e.g., tightened or stiffened jaw). If the word “feel” (or any derivative thereof) can be replaced with “hunch,” “thought,” or “belief” (or any derivative thereof), it’s not a feeling.

Thus, it’s improper to say something along the lines of “I feel like you did that to get back at me,” because what one typically intends on communicating is “I believe that you did that to get back at me.”

Secondly, I concur with the ostensible proposition presented by the authors. People often disregard their own thoughts for the opinions of others. “Oooo, you’re bald” is all it takes for some men and women to self-disturb with irrational beliefs about their own appearance.

Similarly, men and women with facial hair represent a major turnoff for some people. For many of us, an idiomatic expression comes to mind: can’t win for losing (being in a situation whereby one repeatedly fails, as though any attempt to succeed results in an undesirable outcome).

As an example, I’ve experienced the opinions of friends, family members, loved ones, colleagues, clients, and others who reportedly adore the appearance of a bald head with a beard. Still, just as many (if not more) people reportedly altogether despise the look.

This is when one’s self-esteem and self-worth become ruptured, not practicing USA and instead thinking about what other people think as an appraisal of one’s own intrinsic value. Concerning this unpleasant experience, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 166):

Like most Stoic exercises, this one attempts to teach us that although we control our own opinions, we don’t control what other people think—about us least of all. For this reason, putting ourselves at the mercy of those opinions and trying to gain the approval of others are a dangerous endeavor.

When unfavorably outsourcing our self-regard to the opinions of others, rather than favorably practicing USA, we place ourselves in a fickle system of emotional exchange—like the ever-changing system of monetary exchange (framework for facilitating the interchange of money).

In this proverbial stock exchange economy, the opinions of others are traded for our emotions. “You look good with a bald head,” I’m told. Then, I believe that I have high value. Therefore, I’m confident.

“You’d look better with hair,” I’m told. Then, I believe that I have low value. Thus, I’m insecure. Just as the actually system of currency fluctuates on a momentary basis, we allow our system of emotional exchange to rise and fall when thinking about what other people think.

About this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic recommend, “Don’t spend much time thinking about what other people think. Think about what you think. Think instead about the results, about the impact, about whether it is the right thing to do” (page 166).

One method of USA that I frequently practice when reminding myself of how little control and influence I have regarding the opinions of others may not be applicable to you. Still, I offer that in a blogpost entitled Your Thoughts Ain’t My Thoughts, I stated:

A number of years ago, I was introduced to the online content of Vincent Stewart, also known as The Spirit of Truth and Reverend X, who briefly served as a public-access televangelist until he reportedly “was kicked off the air due to exposing his bare ass on-air and asking the audience to find any traces of sin.”

Of particular interest, and during the call-in portion of his broadcast, I found it humorous how Reverend X responded to one caller by stating, “Your thoughts ain’t my thoughts!” Stewart ineloquently argued that what the caller thought wasn’t the shared sentiment of the host.

Presumably, Reverend X was paraphrasing Isaiah 55:8 that states, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord.” Humorously, I say to myself when encountering unsolicited and unhelpful opinions, “Your thoughts ain’t my thoughts!”

Personally, this is an antidote to thinking about what other people think. Now, I offer this pragmatic psychoeducational tool to you. Of course, you can altogether disregard this blogpost. After all, my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways.

Ergo, you’re welcome to self-disturb with irrational beliefs which influence your self-esteem, self-worth, and self-love. Sometimes, the emotional exchange rate is high. Then, you’ll wind up confident. Yet, the rate frequently drops to a low point. Then, you’ll end up insecure.

In either case, it isn’t whether or not you have hair above your neckline that matters. Instead, it’s what you believe regarding the unproductive process of thinking about what other people think that matters. We all make our choices, so I hope you invest your emotional capital wisely.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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