“You’re an ass!” she yelled while exiting my office and slamming the door. That was what my direct supervisor’s boss labeled me when I worked at a behavioral health care facility many years ago.
I was tempted to respond with a snarky quip held over from my youth, “If it weren’t for asses like me, shitheads like you wouldn’t exist,” though I thought it wouldn’t have helped matters much if I did so. Besides, I suspected that termination of my employment was already nigh.
Perhaps it may benefit you if I backed up a bit and provided context to this story. Shortly before graduating with a Master of Arts in Counseling degree, during which I studied Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I made friends with a licensed professional counselor.
I’ll refer to her as “Penelope.” She and I got along well and Penelope encouraged me to apply at her place of employment following graduation. Having done so and after being hired, I worked as a member of a crisis outreach team and with a justice diversion program.
Penelope was my direct supervisor. I’ll call her boss “Namaste,” because that’s something she would say to another employee prior to meetings. According to one source, “The Hindu term, Namaste, meaning, “the sacred in me recognizes the sacred in you,” explains the boss’ greeting.
As a side note, I’ve observed a curious pattern throughout my years in the field of mental, emotional, and behavioral health. Often (though not always), middle-aged white women from the West co-opt Eastern spiritual practices, almost to the state of pomposity and pseudo-piety.
For instance, one may practice yoga and meditation, use lingo associated with methods from the East, and present an air of faux compassion and tranquility. However, this same person may exude symptoms of neurosis, seemingly oblivious to one’s own walking contradiction persona.
When I attended graduate (“grad”) school for a second time, the social work program was full of such individuals. Yet, I digress. It was apparent to each member of my team at the behavioral health facility that Namaste didn’t seem to care much for me. The sentiment was mutual.
There are some people who simply don’t get along. To address this matter, I practiced REBT techniques which I learned in grad school. In specific, I used the ABC model and unconditional acceptance to navigate the workplace when Namaste was present.
As an example, although I didn’t care much for her personality or behavior, I recognized that Namaste was a fallible human being. The fact of the matter was that I, too, was imperfect. No matter what either of us thought about the other, we were at our core flawed people.
With this comprehension, I understood not to use the irrational belief of a global evaluation for Namaste. This occurs when labeling someone as entirely bad, undesirable, and so on and so forth. (Don’t get ahead of me, as you’ve likely considered the title of this blogpost by now.)
Because I acknowledge that I’m a fallible person, I use unconditional self-acceptance to refrain from unproductively issuing a negative global rating of myself. For instance, if I fuck up when performing a task, I admit that I can make a mistake though this doesn’t mean that I’m a fuck up.
Likewise, I recognized that Namaste was a flawed individual and I used unconditional other-acceptance to keep from globally evaluating her. As an example, when she’d roll her eyes when I spoke in meetings, I reminded myself that Namaste wasn’t a bitch though she did exhibit bitchy behavior.
The distinction between the self and the behavior is important. People aren’t their behavior. I could fuck up and Namaste could behave in a bitchy manner, though I wasn’t a fuck up and she wasn’t a bitch.
Understanding the difference between people and behavior allows an individual to refrain from use of global evaluations of others. This is significant, because when making a global rating of others it’s as though a person has declared another individual as 100% undesirable.
Consider that I could’ve told myself about Namaste, “This worthless bitch rolls her eyes damn near every time that I speak in meetings!” With that unproductive attitude, how might my mood and behavior have been impacted?
I likely would’ve self-disturbed into an angry disposition while communicating discontent through use of my facial expressions. How would that unnecessary consequence of my unhelpful belief have served my interest (stay employed) and goal (gain clinical experience)? It wouldn’t.
Therefore, I understood that although I didn’t care much for her behavior, Namaste wasn’t her actions and she wasn’t completely without worth. Even if she didn’t have value to me, it’s likely that her friends, family loved ones, or even a pet maintained affection for her.
Aside from unconditional self- and other-acceptance, I practiced unconditional life-acceptance by admitting to myself that the world didn’t owe me a life in which I wouldn’t be inconvenienced by undesirable behavior from other people. This is a truthful statement.
Thus, it wouldn’t have been logical or rational to have upset myself with irrational beliefs to the contrary. Still, at that point in my life, REBT was still new to me. I practiced imperfectly. In fact, I practice daily all these years later, and I continue doing some devoid of perfection.
Sometimes, I’d slip up and make a snide remake to Namaste. One time, I deliberately aggravated a situation in which she unwittingly set a proverbial snare for herself while I gloated when she became trapped. It wasn’t my finest hour and I’m not proud of my past behavior.
Now, you’re almost up to speed regarding the crude title for this blogpost. Penelope was scheduled to be away from work for a significant amount of time and she voiced concern for the status of my employment.
We’d discussed the many instances when Namaste made remarks about me and exhibited behavior that led us to consider that I may be fired in Penelope’s absence. I could’ve used REBT well enough to evade trouble, though would it have been enough to keep me gainfully employed?
Penelope devised a plan. She stocked my schedule full of appointments and assigned me extra duties. If I could stay “out of sight, out of mind,” as was a common phrase and strategy used to avoid problems when I was in the military, I might’ve been okay without Penelope’s presence.
For the first week after she was away, Namaste would randomly show up to my workplace. Her office was in a separate building and she rarely visited the building in which I worked. I found her behavior odd, yet I kept my head down and kept working while she micromanaged me.
“I need you to come over here and do an intake,” Namaste notified me one afternoon. I was assigned to the crisis line and the rest of my team members were out of the office. Typically, we would schedule intakes for a later date under such circumstances.
Crisis intervention took priority. However, Namaste rejected this commonplace practice after I notified her that I’d be leaving the crisis line unattended. “I said come over and do the intake,” she insisted, “I’ll tend to the crisis line.” I then acquiesced.
The next morning, as I was sitting at my desk and preparing for the day, Namaste paid me an unannounced visit. Uncharacteristically, she entered my office, eventually closed the door, and positioned herself at my desk while questioning my alleged disobedience from the day prior.
I’d conducted the intake, as required, and hadn’t intended on being disobedient. I expressed concern for the crisis intervention aspect of my job, because it wasn’t uncommon for people to call in or even present to the facility within moments before attempting suicide.
My explanation fell upon deaf ears. The sacred in me recognizes the sacred in you? False! Namaste apparently saw nothing sacred, divine, or even decent in me at that moment. Looking back, I don’t think Namaste wanted me to explain anything.
It very well could’ve been that she wanted me to merely agree that her decision to abandon the crisis line was considered beforehand and that her decision-making was sound. “You’re an ass!” she yelled while exiting my office and slamming the door.
I’d deliberately aggravated the situation when she unwittingly set a proverbial snare for herself, as I gloated when she became trapped in an irrational position while in my office. At that point, whatever she believed about the activating event led to her unpleasant consequence.
The boss of a behavioral health care facility storming out of an employee’s office while yelling an explicative and slamming the door was something my coworkers and I weren’t accustomed to witnessing. So people from down the hall immediately came to my office to assess the situation.
“What was that all about?” one nurse inquired. “She didn’t have to act like that,” another coworker stated. Prior to her petulant fit, I requested that Namaste and I schedule a meeting with her boss so that we could discuss a multitude of issues she addressed during our meeting.
Not long thereafter, Namaste arranged an appointment for us to meet with human resources in the absence of her boss. My employment was terminated during that meeting. Adding insult to injury, I was escorted through my office building as though I was a criminal. Nah, I’mma stay… away!
Penelope wasn’t pleased with the situation and neither were a number of my coworkers. A mini-exodus occurred thereafter. Three or four employees from the relatively small facility quit or transferred from the location and out of Namaste’s presence.
When reflecting back to what seems like a lifetime ago, I appreciate that experience. Namaste provided me with a salient example of a global evaluation. Rather than rationally describing my behavior as unpleasant, she prescribed my personal worth as nothing more than that of an ass.
This description-prescription distinction has since allowed me to help other people understand how to identify and dispute global ratings of self, others, and life. And for that, I maintain gratitude for Namaste’s gift of global evaluation.
Noteworthy, her example also served me well when attending grad school for social work not long after a perceivable “ass” was shit-canned. There were relatively many Western women who appropriated Eastern culture while inhaling their own flatulence and missing the mark of piety.
Each was a fallible human being, just as I’m imperfect. Rather than upsetting myself with unhelpful beliefs about each individual, I laughed to myself when observing their Namaste behavior. Instead of self-disturbance, I maintained a fair amount of amusement regarding their actions.
Now, I share my experience with you. Although you may believe that my behavior of sharing a personal anecdote is asstastic, I’m confident that you understand I am not my behavior.
I may act like an ass from time to time, proverbially farting through smelly over-sharing behavior within my blog, though I’m not an ass. And you know what? Neither are you. In fact, nobody is an ass, even though people behave like asses from time to time.
If you understand this psychoeducational lesson, then this post isn’t in vain. Also, if you’d like to know more about REBT and how to stop upsetting yourself with unproductive beliefs, I’m here to ASSist.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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Hollings, D. (2022, October 5). Description vs. prescription. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/description-vs-prescription
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