In a blogpost entitled People Who Live in Glass Houses, I identified an assortment of should-type beliefs associated with demandingness and in regard to Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). Herein, I’ll address one form of these non-self-disturbing demands.
Before expanding upon what an ideal should statement is and how it functions, it may be useful to first describe basic elements of REBT which serve as a type of self-help method for rational living. Essentially, there are two main techniques used in this version of cognitive behavior therapy.
REBT theory first uses the ABC model to illustrate how when Activating events (“Actions”) occur and people maintain irrational Beliefs about the events, these unhelpful assumptions – and not the actual occurrences – are what create unpleasant cognitive, emotive, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people use: demandingness, awfulizing, low frustration tolerance, and global evaluations. Addressing these, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unhelpful attitudes in order to explore Effective new beliefs.
From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
As an example, if while driving on a residential street you run over a nail (Action), your tire may go flat (Consequence). From an A-C perspective, sharp objects can puncture tires and cause deflation in air pressure which results in flats.
Still, if during the undesirable tire-puncturing event you Believe, “This shouldn’t have happened, because this street is usually clean,” then you’ll likely be un-disturbed though understandably annoyed (Consequence). This B-C connection isn’t necessarily self-disturbing, because you can tolerate and accept an outcome over which you have no control.
Thus, I help people to stop upsetting themselves through use of B-C connections, though I can’t fully resolve their A-C connections. To accomplish my objective as a psychotherapist, I invite individuals to take personal responsibility and accountability for their reactions to events.
Secondly, REBT uses the technique of unconditional acceptance to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance.
Additionally, foundational components incorporated into REBT relate to Stoicism—a philosophical practice valuing four virtues (wisdom, courage, temperance or moderation, and justice) as a means of achieving eudemonia—a life well-lived, as well as humanism—the process of healing oneself.
As well, REBT is influenced by existentialist principles—essentially positing that each of us will inevitably die and that we can search for purpose and meaning as a method of living a well-lived existence. Importantly, all of these techniques require frequent (and I mean daily) practice.
To better understand ideal should beliefs, in a blog entry entitled Shoulding at the Supermarket I provided commentary on what one prominent REBT practitioner offered when addressing this sort of assumption, while using an example of shopping at a supermarket:
Imagine that as you’re paying for groceries at the supermarket you hear thunder rattling the building. You then tell yourself, “It shouldn’t rain just yet.” Given the various forms of should narratives covered thus far, what do you think of this ideal should statement? Is it self-disturbing? According to one source:
This is really a special sub-type of the conditional ‘should’ and is more formally known as the ideal conditional ‘should’ in that it specifies a relationship between the meeting of ideal conditions and a particular outcome. ‘The grey mare should win this race’ is an example of the ideal ‘should’ in that the person is saying that, if ideal conditions exist, the grey mare should (or will) win the race.
When using an ideal should statement about the weather when at the supermarket, you’re essentially expressing hope regarding ideal conditions for exiting the store. Unless you willfully self-disturb concerning weather patterns over which you can’t control or influence, this form of should statement doesn’t require disputation.
Thus, ideal should beliefs are often flexible, arguably rational, and usually not self-defeating assumptions which aren’t necessarily worth challenging, because they typically don’t cause self-disturbance. A separate source states of ideal should beliefs:
This ‘should’ describes ideal conditions. For example, ‘People should not litter’ expresses the viewpoint ‘Ideally, people should not litter.’ Another way of phrasing this ‘should’ is to say ‘In an ideal world x, y and z conditions would exist.’
Ultimately, ideal should beliefs are frequently and helpfully used in common parlance, as I tend to use these sorts of narratives within my practice of REBT. Hopefully, the information contained herein helps you determine if you want to continue using this sort of belief.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
Dryden, W. (2023, October). Fundamentals of rational emotive behaviour therapy: A training handbook, 3rd edition. Wiley. Retrieved from https://dokumen.pub/fundamentals-of-rational-emotive-behaviour-therapy-a-training-handbook-3nbsped-1394198515-9781394198511.html
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