Institutionalization: When I Get Free

[DISCLAIMER]

From half of my seventh grade year to the end of my freshman year of high school, I was a resident in a children’s home. Thereafter, a family took me in to live with them until halfway through my senior year. I then returned to finish out my high school term in the children’s home.

By the time I graduated in 1995, I had little understanding about why my mindset was better adjusted to institutionalization than to that of most other children not in my situation. Regarding this matter, the American Psychological Association (APA) thusly defines institutionalization:

1. placement of an individual in an institution for therapeutic or correctional purposes or when they are incapable of living independently, often as a result of a physical or mental condition.

2. an individual’s gradual adaptation to institutional life over a long period, especially when this is seen as rendering them passive, dependent, and generally unsuited to life outside the institution.

I was first placed in the children’s home due to financial insupportability, as well as traumatic events, though my conduct when living with the family that took me in resulted in my return to the residential setting. In I Chose What Type of Child I Was, I thusly addressed this topic:

Perhaps enchanted by the product of a token economy (in behavior therapy, a program, sometimes conducted in an institutional setting, in which desired behavior is reinforced by offering tokens that can be exchanged for special rewards), a family took me into their home.

I was a member of the same church congregation of which they were a part, as I resided with them from my sophomore year of high school to halfway through my senior year. Ostensibly, the institutionalized behavior that attracted them to me went extinct. Admittedly, I behaved poorly.

During the time I remained in their care, I befriended members of street gangs, I may or may not have frequently engaged in criminal activity—to presumably include [attempted murders], and I exhibited behavior that some people understandably associate with psychopathy.

For the record, in adulthood, I’ve been examined by multiple psychologists, psychiatrists, and other clinicians. Not one has diagnosed me with antisocial personality disorder, because I don’t meet the criteria of this personality disorder. I’m not a psychopath. (Believe what you will.)

Nonetheless, I can comprehend how pathologizing behavior is a simpler approach to conceptualizing mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”) than actually seeking to understand it. About such an attitude, I remain unbothered.

In any event, I finished my remaining high school year living with my sister and her husband who were houseparents at the children’s home in which I’d previously lived. So ends this relatively brief summation of my childhood.

Not long after graduation, I decided to join the Marine Corps after discussing this matter with the mother of the family who took me in from the children’s home. As we remained close to one another, I trusted her guidance. “I think you’ll do really well in the military,” she said.

She was correct, in that I had been institutionalized to the degree whereby I was uncomfortable in non-institutional settings. “Maybe she’s right,” I told myself, “if I could make it in a children’s home, and after having lived with mom and dad, I bet the Marines won’t be too hard!”

That’s the mind of an institutionalized individual. For clarity, the military is fundamentally a form of social institution. Its longstanding structured and organizational construct operates with established norms, a strict hierarchy (i.e., chain of command), and a culture that shapes behavior.

For my first enlistment, I stood out even among other members of the military institution. I was called an “oddball,” “odd duck,” “strange,” “weird,” and “different” by other Marines. Still, I generally excelled at activities which required structure and routine (e.g., uniform inspections).

Yet, I didn’t quite fit in. During the early stages of my first enlistment, Tupac Shakur (better known as 2Pac—who I sometimes consider a mere rapper, and other times regard as a lyricist) posthumously released his sixth studio album R U Still Down? (Remember Me) (1997).

The anthology contained the track “When I Get Free”, which reminded me of my youth and how institutionalization was merely a process that some people within a society will inevitably remain all too familiar. A skit featured on the track thusly unfolds:

[Skit: Prison guard, female visitor, and male prisoner]

Guard: Inmate Pac, C57797, you got a visitor. Right there, stall three.

Visitor: Hi, baby.

Prisoner: What’s up, honey?

Visitor: Hey, you know it’s just only one more week until family visit.

Prisoner: Yeah, I’ma rock them drawls. Yeah, but you know…did you take care of that business I asked you to do?

Visitor: I made those deposits.

Prisoner: Okay, that’s cool. You bring that shit?

Visitor: Yeah, I got it.

Prisoner: Alright, see that guard over there?

Visitor: Mmm-hmm.

Prisoner: When you get done, just hand him the shit. He know whassup.

Visitor: Alright. Hey, you know E just got cracked [apprehended]. He’s in jail now.

Prisoner: What?

Visitor: Yeah, Go-Go’s out. I just saw him running around the other day.

Prisoner: Ahh, fuck that fool. But anyway, what’s happening with my moms?

Visitor: She gave me a message for you. She said she’s sorry she couldn’t be here today, but she’ll be here next week.

Prisoner: Alright, well check this out; I got something real important I want you to tell her—

Guard: C’mon, c’mon, this shit’s over with!

[Commotion breaks out]

Guard: C’mon, boy, back to your cell!

Visitor: I’m not done talking to him!

Guard: Shut that shit up, bitch! He’s outta here! C’mon!

Prisoner: Don’t be calling my woman no bitch! Nigga, I’ll fuck you up!

Guard: Yeah, yeah, fool. Keep walking.

Prisoner: Let me out these chains, with your broke ass, sucka!

Guard: Yeah, yeah, that’s what they all say, fool.

Prisoner: Yeah, what! Let me out then!

Guard: Institutionalized, and this is your home.

Lyricist 2Pac’s verse then kicks in with a slowed down pace, similar to the effect pioneered by the late DJ Screw. In any event, the skit on “When I Get Free” reminded me of living in a children’s home, as well as visiting one of my gang-related friends when he was incarcerated

What I couldn’t foresee in 1997 was that on two separate occasions in 2002, during my second enlistment in the Corps, I’d be cracked a number of times and placed in pretrial detention at the Naval Consolidated Brig, Miramar in San Diego, California. It was like my second residence.

I don’t say that with pride, though to convey the maladaptive perspective I used at the time. For context, it may be worthwhile to discuss the two main techniques used in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). Bear in mind that this is a retrospective assessment.

First, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as self-disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to upset themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

For instance, when I disobeyed lawful orders (Action), my commanding officer had me placed in the brig for pretrial detention (Consequence). In the physical world, regarding an A-C perspective, one’s nonadaptive behavior can result in unpleasant outcomes.

Yet, from a B-C view, I was placed in the brig (Action) and I Believed, “I’m worthless [G], and I can’t stand that I’m once again institutionalized [L], as it’s awful [A], because I mustn’t experience circumstances similar to childhood when in adulthood [D]!”

I’ll remind you that earlier I stated “I was first placed in the children’s home due to financial insupportability, as well as traumatic events.” While it was accurate that my mom couldn’t afford to raise my younger sister and me, it was also the case that my mom was violently abusive.

Woven by threads of my self-disturbing GLAD belief was the unaccommodating narrative that I must never again experience reminders of trauma, which is what the time between 2002 and 2003, during which I endured substantial administrative and legal problems, represented.

However, there was no A-C cause of my self-disturbed condition. Rather, when I used the unfavorable GLAD narrative above, I experienced clinically significant symptoms of depression (Consequence). Thus, the unpleasant outcome I endured was caused by my B-C connection.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Second, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

For many years, I self-disturbed about having twice been placed in a children’s home, seeing the military as the only viable option to avoid going down the path of my gangbanger friends, and about having twice wound up in a form of incarceration nonetheless. Things got pretty dark!

Yet, I ultimately admitted that I was merely a fallible human being who makes mistakes (USA), as I had no control and little influence over most other individuals who I encountered from childhood through adulthood (UOA). To argue anything else is asinine.

Also, I realized that the past is passed, so there’s no meaningful utility to griping, whining, bitching, moaning, complaining, whinging, venting, etc. about matters which are far beyond both my control and influence (ULA). Therefore, I got free from my own self-disturbed prison.

Still, I don’t mean to present a Pollyannaish perspective in this blogpost, as though I’m doing well according to the standards of others. Regarding my actual experience with still experiencing institutionalization of my own creation, I stated in Asocial Togetherness: Me, Myself, and I:

I live alone, deliberately leave my home only one or two times a week, and maintain physical contact with others a handful of times per year.

Still, I’m a counselor and social worker by trade—working with others in an attempt to try to help them improve their [mental health]. This lifestyle works well for “introversion” which the APA thusly defines:

[O]rientation toward the internal private world of one’s self and one’s inner thoughts and feelings, rather than toward the outer world of people and things. Introversion is a broad personality trait and, like extraversion, exists on a continuum of attitudes and behaviors.

I’m content with my institutionalized-adjacent lifestyle. Others have self-distressed over the way I choose to live. Still, I’m making reasoned choices which best serve my interests and goals (i.e., staying out of a box [incarceration] and above ground [death]), as I have control in this regard.

Now, I invite you to consider freedom of your own making. Maybe you haven’t been subject to institutionalization, like me, and you instead want to enjoy as much social contact with others as possible. Wonderful! Are you actually fulfilling that lifestyle?

If not, what’s stopping you? Is it a prison guard that mocks you, as is the case in “When I Get Free”? Is it a parent that abuses you, as was the case in my childhood? Or is it you who serves as your own prison guard, confining you to a life that isn’t in accord with your interests and goals?

Suppose it’s the latter. If you aren’t content with your current standard of living, then what are you willing to do in order to get free? Even though I may choose a different life path than you, I may be able to help you head in a direction other than self-imposed psychological confinement.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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