When I was in elementary school, my big brother (Big Brothers and Big Sisters of America) used to take me out for dinner quite a bit. He’s the first person I recall teaching me about tipping.
According to one source, “A gratuity (often called a tip) is a sum of money customarily given by a customer to certain service sector workers such as hospitality for the service they have performed, in addition to the basic price of the service.”
My big brother taught me that when wait staff performed in an exemplary manner, tipping them well was a voluntary action which communicated gratitude. However, if people didn’t perform to the degree for which one may’ve hoped, no tip was rendered.
Later, in adolescence, a male house parent form the children’s home at which I was a resident enhanced the lesson regarding a tip. He explained that people working low-earning jobs weren’t entitled to a gratuity.
Therefore, when people went above and beyond the standard of service for which I hoped, I should, must, or ought to have rewarded them handsomely. For example, I had naturally curly hair. If a barber performed well for a $10 haircut, I could pay $15 and say, “Keep the tip.”
Noteworthy, my hope for a particular standard of service wasn’t akin to an entitlement. I may’ve desired to be treated well, though no one was obligated to behave the way I wanted them to. Equally, no one was entitled to extra money from me. Thus, a gratuity was privilege, not a right.
After graduating high school and when stationed in Okinawa, Japan, I learned a new lesson about tipping. According to one source, “Tipping in Japan is not customary. Indeed, as stated in many Japan travel guide[s], attempting to tip staff can be offensive.”
I learned this lesson the hard way. On more than one occasion, I was given looks of disgust when tipping. In one instance, a woman chased after me when I was already outside of the restaurant and she returned the generous tip I left for her. Eventually, I learned not to tip when in Okinawa.
During undergraduate studies and when employed in the field of nuclear security, I dated a bartender at a strip club (adult entertainment). From gratuity, she made nearly as much money as I, and I earned a ridiculous salary for the relatively easy work I performed.
Once we were officially girlfriend and boyfriend, I was able to observe how well she tipped other service workers. Even though I paid for our meals and other date-related activities, she always added a substantial tip for service staff.
When I asked why she tipped even underperforming staff, my then-girlfriend explained that the service industry could be incredibly challenging so she appreciated that anyone would voluntarily perform such work in the first place. After that conversation, I generally tipped no less than 25%.
I figured that although a gratuity wasn’t an entitlement, I could use rational compassion with people who interfaced with the public. Besides, fallible human beings can be quite difficult to serve. Therefore, a minimum of 25% and up to a 100% tip was how I expressed gratitude.
Then, something changed during the “dark days” of a national response to COVID-19. When millions of United States (U.S.) citizens were involuntarily deemed “nonessential” workers and were virtually forced to stay at home, I noticed a trend.
Although it never made sense to me that many authoritarian government personnel encouraged spending on fast food while people in general remained relatively inactive – as heart disease was the number one cause of death in the U.S. – I went along with irrational spending habits, just like other people.
What I noticed was that tipping behavior went from an endorsement of satisfaction with preferred service to a form of entitlement. I’d venture out for a drive-thru coffee experience and baristas would verbally pressure me for a tip.
I’d go for takeout pizza and receive the same treatment. At fast food establishments, independent parcel stores, and even at a gas station, I was prompted to leave a tip. Generally, pre-established amounts ranged from $0 to 35%. These tips seemed to function like entitlements.
Also, I questioned the pressure tactics commonly used. As an example, rather than asking, “Would you like to leave a tip?” I’d hear, “How much would you like to tip?” This Kafka trap-style of questioning implies the answer – I’d like to leave a tip, though the amount was unknown.
Eventually, even the speculative psychological operation that I suspect Reddit is even caught on to the trend. Things got even more serious when Pew Research Center chimed in on the national discussion:
A broad majority of Americans say they’re being asked to tip service workers more frequently than in the past. Around seven-in-ten U.S. adults (72%) say tipping is expected in more places today than it was five years ago, a finding that tracks with anecdotal reporting and has even been dubbed “tipflation.”
Whether “tipflation” or so-called “tipping culture” is how people refer to this trend, I’m not fond of people treating a gratuity as an entitlement. Before I proceed any further, I’ll attempt to steel man the case regarding this tendency for extra monetary solicitation:
Since the dark days of 2019, the cost of living in the U.S. has steadily increased. However, low-earning positions (e.g., fast food worker) haven’t experienced wage increases to outpace inflation. Rather than relying on employers to keep with the rising cost of living, the onus is on the general public to provide a gratuity to offset low wages.
After all, many goods and services offered by establishments which solicit tips are considered luxury items and not necessities. Therefore, those who can afford indulgences can likely support wealth redistributive action, albeit on a small scale, by granting the opportunity to tip service industry staff.
Supposing the reader grants the steel man statement, I reject pressured tipping all the same. While I’ve received helpful lessons on tipping since my youth, I reject the notion of enduring a burden for the lack of one’s employer to pay a desired amount to staff.
I’m not fond of entitlements. Nevertheless, I’m not upset by tipflation. This is because I practice Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).
REBT theory uses the ABC model to illustrate how when Activating events (“Actions”) occur and people maintain irrational Beliefs about the events, these unhelpful assumptions – and not the actual occurrences – are what create unpleasant cognitive, emotive, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people use: demandingness, awfulizing, low frustration tolerance, and global evaluations. Addressing these, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unhelpful assumptions in order to explore Effective new beliefs.
From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
As an example, if company Y doesn’t pay worker Z enough money (Action), worker Z may not be able to afford the cost of rent (Consequence). In the naturalistic world, direct A-C correlations such as this exist.
Still, if when worker Z isn’t paid enough (Action) and unproductively Believes, “Other people must offset what company Y doesn’t pay me,” then worker Z may feel fear and behave questionably by essentially taxing others for their patronage (Consequence). From the B-C framework, worker Z self-disturbs and reacts accordingly.
When practicing REBT, I help people to stop upsetting themselves through use of B-C connections, though I can’t fully resolve their A-C connections. Nevertheless, rather than focusing on worker Z, I’ll describe how I keep from self-disturbing when ostensibly taxed for my patronage.
Worker Z at company Y shoves a payment pad in front of my face which displays tip options for $0, 15%, 20%, and 30% for a $7 cup of coffee (Action). Rather than unhelpfully assuming that I’ve been wronged by the added cost of purchasing the item, I use unconditional acceptance.
Without condition, I accept that I’m annoyed, frustrated, or disappointed with myself for being displeased with worker Z’s behavior. Additionally, I unconditionally accept that worker Z pressures me to take part in a wealth redistribution entitlement effort.
Likewise, I accept with no conditions the fact that inflation has taken a toll on the U.S. to a degree whereby company Y can either raise prices in order to pay worker Z more money – thus losing customers in the process or allow worker Z to ostensibly extort me for money – perhaps trusting in guilt or shame to keep me engaged in the transaction.
Therefore, because I unconditionally accept myself, others, and life, I pay $8.05 for a cup of coffee and remain grateful to add yet another establishment to my lengthy list of places with which I’ll no longer do business. I receive coffee, worker Z receives a tip, and I forego guilt and shame by rejecting any further transactions with company Y.
So far, I’ve saved money, lost weight, and have enjoyed freedom from unhealthy negative emotional experiences associated with tipping culture. Win, win, win!
If you’d like to know more about how to stop disturbing yourself in this manner, I look forward to hearing from you. (No worries, I won’t require you to pay more than upon what we agree at the beginning of transactional services.)
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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