The Dark One

[DISCLAIMER]

When I was a child, my late mom visited a fortune teller (someone with the supposed ability to foretell future events and especially the details of a person’s future). While my sisters and I weren’t allowed to enter the fortune-telling establishment, my mom shared what she learned. 

“She told me that [my older sister] would be married and have children,” my mom gleefully stated as we sat in the parking lot. When my younger sister asked what was in store for her approaching years, my mom said, “You’ll also be married, but she didn’t see any kids for you.”

That left one child’s future unaddressed. “What about me?” I asked. I sensed that something was off, because my mom’s affect (mood and emotion) changed drastically. Her posture then slumped as she sat in the driver’s seat of our car, her head lowered, and she frowned.

“She said she couldn’t get a reading on the dark one,” my mom explained. The eyes of both my sisters darted back and forth between me and my mother. I was puzzled by the remark. One of my sisters finally asked the question that the rest of us were apparently too hesitant to ask.

“What do you mean ‘dark’? Is it because he’s the darkest of us?” she inquired. Although we were the product of the same predominately black dad and completely white mom, my older and younger sisters had lighter skin than mine. This was undeniably evident during the summertime.

“I don’t know,” my mom reluctantly replied. She continued, “The palm reader read the lines on my hand, but Deric’s line was unreadable. She referred to him as ‘the dark one,’ and she seemed afraid.” That’s my recollection of the events from my elementary-aged experience.

Subsequently, with assistance from and under the tutelage of her longtime friend since childhood (“Peaches”), my mom began dabbling in magic. Regarding this practice, one source states:

Magic, sometimes spelled magick, is the application of beliefs, rituals or actions employed in the belief that they can manipulate natural or supernatural beings and forces. It is a category into which have been placed various beliefs and practices sometimes considered separate from both religion and science.

It was odd to me that my mother was employed as a janitor by a nondenominational and evangelical church congregation, and requiring that my sisters and I attend church services from time to time, though she also entertained what one source describes of black magic:

Black magic (Middle English: nigromancy), sometimes dark magic, traditionally refers to the use of magic or supernatural powers for evil and selfish purposes. […]

In particular, though, the term was most commonly reserved for those accused of invoking demons and other evil spirits, those hexing or cursing their neighbors, those using magic to destroy crops, and those capable of leaving their earthly bodies and travelling great distances in spirit (to which the Malleus Maleficarum “devotes one long and important chapter”), usually to engage in devil-worship.

Whereas I learned about Jesus during church services which I infrequently attended, I occasionally heard about Aleister Crowley and other occultist topics at home. To her credit, my mom attempted to shield me and my sisters from the information she and Peaches explored.

During the same time that all of this occurred members of my paternal family and their associates were said to have dabbled in hoodoo, which is another form of magical arts. Regarding this practice, one source states:

Hoodoo is a set of spiritual observances, traditions, and beliefs—including magical and other ritual practices—developed by enslaved African Americans in the Southern United States from various traditional African spiritualities and elements of indigenous North American botanical knowledge.

Devoted to the doctrine of Jehovah’s Witnesses, my dad forbade exposure of any non-Christian teachings or practices regarding me and my siblings. However, since he and my mom divorced when I was three, while all three children resided with my mom, she could do as she pleased.

This meant that my mom was free to entertain simultaneously conflicted views of Christianity and the dark arts (any forbidden or malicious practices, often magical, used to control or influence, harm, or kill others, involving curses, harmful potions, and forbidden creatures).

As an example, there were times when my mom reportedly conjured malevolent spirits within our home. During other times, she would repeatedly whip me to the ground through use of a belt while demanding, “I rebuke you, Satan! In the name of Jesus Christ, leave this place!”

It was a very confusing time for me. Similarly baffling were the tales from every family member with whom I had contact regarding their purported lived experiences with supernatural beings. I was the only one in my family who hadn’t seen apparitions, demons, spirits, or otherwise.

As an example, one of my sisters and our cousin bawled when describing an instance during which a statue of the Marx Brothers supposedly became animated and the characters sang Cab Calloway’s song “Minnie the Moocher”. They provided a very convincing tale of events.

A separate sister cried as she described having seen a figure in our home that looked like my mom, though with hollowed eye sockets, and which evidently demanded that my sister take out the trash. Gripped with fear, my sister hesitated. Seconds later, a car sped past the trashcan.

Even the adults in my family spoke of similar events. My dad spoke of “little people” who could be conjured to protect individuals on their travels. My mom talked about being visited by spirits at nighttime in her bedroom. All the while, the “dark one” saw none of this.

Still, for the better part of my youth, I believed that I was cursed (stricken with evil or misfortune that comes as if in response to imprecation or as retribution). In elementary school, I was baptized by a member of the church congregation with which my mother was employed.

Nonetheless, matters weren’t improving for me. I was still being rebuked at home while repeatedly subject to traumatic events at the hand of my mom. I figured that my sin hadn’t fully washed away, that I was somehow stained with malevolence. I would’ve rather seen evil spirits.

Yet, hallucinations (false sensory perceptions which have a compelling sense of reality despite the absence of an external stimulus) weren’t my plight in life. Thus, I decided that Jehovah, Jesus, Satan, angels, demons, or whatever influenced human behavior allowed me to be cursed.

Transferred from the custody of my mom to my dad halfway through my fifth grade year, more traumatic events were endured. Then, halfway through my seventh grade year, I was returned to my mom. Not long thereafter, my younger sister and I were sent to live in a children’s home.

In 1992, reasoning that the terrors I’d experienced would continue occurring unless I was able to wash away my darkness, I was baptized into the Churches of Christ so that God would be pleased with me. All the same, I continued experiencing hardship. How “dark” was I?

By my freshman year of high school, I concluded that there would be no end to my suffering (the experience of pain or acute distress, either physical or psychological, in response to a physical trauma or a significant event, particularly one that is threatening or involves loss).

Then, a family from the church congregation of which I was a member took me into their home during the summer after my freshman year. That’s when I discovered validity of the saying “no matter where you go, there you are.” Apparently, I was still the dark one.

Even some of the gangbanger friends around whom I hung recognized me as distinctly destructive—or “dark,” if you please. Regarding this matter, I stated in a blogpost entitled Hulk:

Although I was nicknamed “2-Nice” by my gang-related friends, a member of another gang set once stated to me something like, “You’re fucking crazier than any of us! I’m gonna call you ‘Suicide-Psycho,’ ‘cause you’re fucking crazy, ese!”

Halfway through my senior year, I was kicked out of the house and I returned to the children’s home. By that point in life, I maintained an unrelenting victimhood mindset. Suicidal ideation set in at nine-years-old, though increasingly appealed to me upon graduating high school.

Since then, I’ve experienced highs and lows in life. For a time, I was convinced that being the “dark one” explained why my existence was manifestly destined for an experience of Hell on Earth. Regarding this framing of the matter, a number of hip hop songs come to mind.

As I attended United States Marine Corps Recruit Training, classic hip hop duo Mobb Deep (lyricists Havoc and the late Prodigy) released their third studio album Hell on Earth (1996). Even as I maintained my religious conviction, I clung to violent rap content.

On the first official single from the anthology, “Front Lines (Hell on Earth)”, the lyricists state that “it’s Hell on Earth” and “it’s right in front of your eyes.” At the time, I couldn’t argue with the evidentiary claim, as my life was one prolonged experience of seemingly endless torment.

By the time the duo released their seventh studio album Blood Money (2006), I’d experienced significant administrative and legal problems in the Marine Corps. If I was seeking absolution or salvation through devoted service, I apparently chose the wrong branch of the military.

During a time when I experienced my first and only divorce, and was pending appeal for a special court-martial, my religious faith was severely damaged. Therefore, I appreciated the track “Pearly Gates”, featuring lyrist 50 Cent, on which the late lyricist Prodigy stated:

Now, homie, if I go to Hell and you make it to the Pearly Gates

Tell (the boss man) we got beef

And tell (His only son) I’ma see Him when I see Him

And when I see Him, I’ma (beat Him like the movie [The Passion of the Christ])

For leaving us out to dry in straight poverty

For not showing me no signs they watching over me

Liking a track like that seems par for the course for someone labeled as the “dark one.” In a short time thereafter, I identified as atheist (a person who does not believe in the existence of God or any gods). Looking back, I realize that I was merely rebelling against authority structures.

Eventually, I settled for identifying as agnostic (a person who holds the view that any ultimate reality, such as a supreme being, is unknown and probably unknowable). At around that time, the talented hip hop producer Mr. Green released the album Live from the Streets (2015).

In association with his video production company, television series, and record label, Mr. Green shared with the world a track entitled “If I Don’t Go To Hell” that featured vocalist and street performer Janice, and lyricists Pacewon and Vinnie Paz. Shoutout to Janice for her contribution!

On the track, she states, “If I don’t go to Hell when I die, I might go to Heaven [x4]. Might go to Heaven, might go to Heaven, but probably not…” Even though I maintained an agnostic view by that point in my life, I appreciated how far I’d come from belief in a “dark one” conviction.

Maybe I would wind up in Heaven, if there were such a thing. Maybe, maybe not. Equally, I could end up in Hell, given that there’s such a place. Maybe, maybe not. Irrespective of these views, I’d healthily abandoned belief in a “dark one” narrative.

This is because from 2009 to 2011, I studied Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) when attending graduate school for counseling. Additionally, from 2012 to 2014, I continued my academic focus on this psychotherapeutic modality when in graduate school for social work.

Favorably, I learned about, understood, believed in, and practiced the ABC model and unconditional acceptance. It’s through REBT that I’ve been able to unconditionally accept myself as a fallible human being, ultimately acknowledging that I’m not a malevolent being.

Similarly, I’ve unconditionally accepted others (i.e., my mom, dad, etc.) as flawed individuals who – regardless of whether or not they had my best interests in mind – simply behaved poorly throughout my life. Just as I’m not an evil being, nor was my late mom or my dad.

Likewise, REBT allows me to practice unconditional life acceptance whereby I recognize how little control and influence I have in my imperfect existence. I can choose to self-disturb with irrational beliefs to the contrary, or I can value what little time I have left by living well.

This perspective brings me to the album Tomorrow Could Be the Day Things Change (2018) by lyricist Classified. On the track “Don’t Stop” he states, “What if Heaven and Hell ain’t a place you go to die, but it’s a state of mind—you live or you’re alive (huh).”

Given my current agnostic perspective regarding religion and spirituality, I remain uncertain as to whether or not there’s a Heaven or Hell. Using Classified’s proposition, I concede that unfavorable belief in the “dark one” view is what caused my Hell-like suffering here on Earth.

Helpfully, I’ve found peace of mind through devoted practice to REBT. Admittedly, it’s not quite Heaven-esque. I mostly never liked being here on Earth, and I still don’t. Nevertheless, I can tolerate and accept what simply is without unnecessarily scripting what ought to instead be.

If I can do this, then I imagine you can, too. Besides, neither you nor I am the “dark one.” We neither live in nor belong in Hell. Still, if we’re unwise, we can create Hellish conditions for ourselves. Let’s not do that! If you’d like to know more about REBT, then I’m here (for now).

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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