Not all shoulds are the same
The phrase “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones” is used to suggest that individuals who have faults should not criticize other people for having faults. I grew up hearing this adage quite often.
Now, as I practice Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I challenge my use of should, must, and ought-type beliefs such as that indicated in the saying about glass houses. Still, it’s worth noting that not all should statements are equal.
For instance, in a blogpost entitled Shoulding at the Supermarket, I addressed the difference between self-disturbing absolutistic shoulds and conditional shoulds, recommendatory shoulds, empirical shoulds, preferential shoulds, and ideal shoulds. For context, consider the following:
· Absolutistic should – You should never inconvenience me!
· Conditional should – If you want people to like you, then you should be nice to them.
· Recommendatory should – People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.
· Empirical should – I just deposited $100 into my bank account, so my available balance should increase.
· Preferential should – People should apologize when interrupting others, though they don’t have to do so.
· Ideal should – There’s not a cloud in the sky, so it shouldn’t rain anytime soon.
Additionally, in a blog entry entitled Trolley Problem, I offered three additional examples of should narratives expressed by one source:
[T]here are three valid uses of the word, “should”—the legal should, the laws of the universe should, and the moral / ethical should.
· Legal should: You should not drive at 100 miles per hour because you’ll get a ticket.
· Laws of universe should: If I drop this pen, it should fall to the floor due to the law of gravity.
· Moral / ethical should: “Thou shalt not kill,” which is straight from the Ten Commandments.
Although other REBT practitioners may disagree, I maintain that of the presented examples, the absolutistic should is the main irrational belief worthy of disputation. This is because absolutistic demandingness inflexibly sets a standard which, when inevitably violated, lead to self-disturbance.
It’s worth mentioning that the late psychologist who developed REBT, Albert Ellis, and his coauthor, argued, “As far as we scientifically know, no absolute shoulds, oughts, and musts exist in the world.” Thus, absolutistic shoulds are open to challenge.
For examples of how I dispute such irrational beliefs, I invite you to review the Disputation category of my blog. In any case, the current blogpost highlights the recommendatory should in reference to people living in glass houses and how one may believe they shouldn’t throw stones.
Who is in and who is out of the glass house?
I first discovered the YouTube content of Nick Rekieta during his coverage of the Kyle Rittenhouse televised legal case. Aware of how many Mockingbird and missing link media sources were inaccurately covering the trial, Rekieta offered a refreshingly honest perspective.
In particular, I appreciated Rekieta’s small-l libertarian outlook, the legal lens through which he viewed the case (Rekieta was a practicing attorney at the time, I believe), and his hosting of other legal guests who also offered commentary through Rekieta’s YouTube channel.
It’s worth noting that I don’t agree with everything that anyone has to say. This includes Rekieta. Likewise, there were specific behaviors and personality traits for which I didn’t care in regard to the YouTube content creator (I suspect he would object to my use of that title).
Nevertheless, I practice REBT when encountering these elements of people’s lives. Specifically, I dispute my own use of shoulds and remain able to digest content in a manner I find useful.
Therefore, I continued watching Rekieta’s material through the Depp v. Heard trial. The amount of feminist-infused nonsense I observed stemming from that case was astounding and I appreciated Rekieta and his guests’ counternarratives.
Even after the aforementioned legal cases, and through division that occurred with “LawTube” content creators who split into various camps, I occasionally accessed Rekieta’s content. However, there came a point at which his channel wasn’t as useful to me anymore.
Nevertheless, I learned of Rekieta’s own legal matters recently. According to one source, “Rekieta was arrested Thursday [5/23/2024] along with his wife Kayla and a fellow online personality. Prosecutors filed charges against Rekieta and his wife on Friday for second-degree possession, child endangerment, and a gross misdemeanor firearm charge.”
Noteworthy, all persons mentioned or alluded to herein are presumed innocent unless otherwise proven guilty. As such, at the time this blogpost is posted, Rekieta, his wife, and other parties to the case are presumed innocent of the charges. This is how justice functions.
Given my carefully curated YouTube content, mention of Rekieta’s case has been virtually unavoidable without merely discontinuing use of the app. Although many people appear concerned for the Rekieta family, others seem to be gleefully celebrating his legal action.
I’ve witnessed people with whom I’ve become observationally familiar – individuals who used to actively support the YouTube content creator – expressing joy at Rekieta’s perceived downfall. Of course, divided LawTube creators have also seemingly experienced schadenfreude.
Rekieta, who ostensibly threw proverbial stones at others from a figurative glass house, is now having rocks launched in his direction – some by people who were once supportive of him. Not only have I witnessed such events before, I have lived experience regarding similar occurrences.
While in the Marine Corps, as a junior military police (MP) patrolman, I issued many traffic citations, interrogated other Marines, and apprehended quite a few people for violations of the Uniformed Code of Military Justice and other base order infractions.
Admittedly, I wasn’t well-liked by many of my fellow MPs. This is because I was known to be a by-the-book Marine who inflexibly adhered to orders. The result of my behavior was that I was ostracized from many of those with whom I patrolled Camp Kinser, Okinawa, Japan.
My actions created a desirable junior Marine in the eyes of my superiors. However, a significant number of my peers threw proverbial stones at the glass house from which I tossed rocks at them. Ultimately, I take personal responsibility and accountability for how matters turned out.
As a corporal, when serving as a Marine Security Guard (MSG), my choice to abstain from alcohol consumption, refusal to procure the services of sex workers, and continual challenge to hypocritical standards didn’t make me popular among my peers.
Rather, I was signaled out and essentially bullied by a number of other MSGs. In fact, I was blackballed after being forced to leave Rio de Janeiro, Brasil early. By the time I landed in Lima, Peru, virtually the entire detachment of MSGs with whom I’d live despised me.
Approximately halfway through my duty assignment in Lima, an investigation was launched with a focus on me. Only a few Marines spoke up for me, though I was swiftly removed from South America before I even had time to pack my belongings.
Not many years later, one of the Lima Marines saw me at my civilian place of employment and laughed at me to my face. He threw proverbial rocks at me, because I’d lost the respect of my peers and served as a disgrace to the MSG program.
As an MP sergeant, I was known as a strict though fair leader. Often, I lectured junior Marines about their behavior and even disciplined them to maintain the “good order and discipline” of the Marine Corps (whatever that means).
However, I then experienced about a year of administrative and disciplinary action from my military command that included two detention periods in the brig, demotion to private first class, and the majority of Miramar MPs refusing to interact with me. I was then referred to as a “shit-bird.”
Having to face the Marines I once led and whose respect I’d earned was incredibly challenging, especially since most of them outranked me and I was subject to their verbal orders. Although members of my former platoon appeared to respect me, other MP platoons hurled proverbial boulders at the glass house in which I lived.
I don’t claim that because of my military history I somehow know what Rekieta is now experiencing. Rather, I offer personal anecdotes to suggest that I have rational compassion with the YouTube content creator.
Similarly, I understand why so many MPs and MSGs didn’t like me. Although it took many years and continued practice of REBT to make peace with myself, others, and life, I can comprehend how unlikable my behavior was when I lived in a glass house and threw stones.
Therefore, I can understand how it is that so many people appear to be outside of Rekieta’s glass house while hurling boulders at him. I don’t like or love what I see, though I can comprehend how people would behave in such a manner.
Considering Rekieta’s situation, I appreciate that REBT uses the technique of unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA). For context, consider the following:
USA – This psychotherapeutic tool begins with acknowledgment of an arguably indisputable fact – I have always been, will always be, and am now a fallible human being. I also incorporate a modified version of Stephen Covey’s circles of influence into the psychoeducational lesson regarding USA.
I can only control myself – and not every aspect of my being (i.e., heartbeat, food digestion, and body temperature). Therefore, I accept that I have limited control over my fallible nature. I can try to improve upon imperfection, though I’ll never be perfect.
UOA – Just as I’m a fallible human, so, too, are other people. In fact, everyone I’ve ever known, will ever know, and currently know is flawed. This is a shared and inescapable human condition. Therefore, absolutistically demanding perfection from others is unhelpful.
Additionally, since I don’t have full control over myself, I likely have no control over others. Although I may be able to influence people, they have the ability to ignore my preferential should statements. Given this truth, I can stop unproductively self-disturbing and instead accept others without condition.
ULA – Being that I’m fallible and others are flawed, what may I conclude about my behavior and the actions of others from the past? Historic occurrences within existence were subject to imperfection. Thus, life is an imperfect process.
Moreover, while I can only control myself and influence others to a limited degree, it’s unlikely that I can control or influence most matters within life. This includes issues such as war, natural disasters, debris in outer space, etc. Thus, I unconditionally accept these concerning matters.
When in the military, I was in a glass house while throwing proverbial stones at others who didn’t reside in my transparent house of behavior. There were consequences for my actions and I caused myself needless suffering by not having practiced UA.
Now, I’ve witnessed Rekieta’s glass house being pelted with figurative rocks from people who once supported him. Unlike the past, I currently understand how to use UA when observing behavior and experiencing discomfort associated with my beliefs about what I see.
Hopefully, all parties to Rekieta’s case will find peace – to include those who will likely experience direct and indirect adversity and belief-based disturbance as a result. As I understand, Rekieta is a religious man, so I contemplate the meaning of John 8:7. Areligiously, I value UA.
Conclusion
As I continue honing my REBT skills, I appreciate the distinction between various types of should statements. Herein, I’ve focused on the recommendatory should phrase, “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”
Considering this form of moral and ethical guidance, I’ve addressed my observations related to Nick Rekieta’s recent legal matters. In particular, I’m reminded of the metaphorical glass house in which the YouTube content creator once sat while throwing proverbial stones at others.
However, now I’ve witnessed people outside Rekieta’s dwelling of transparent behavior begin hurling rocks in his direction. Of this, I’m reminded of administrative and legal troubles from my time in the military.
Back then, I knew nothing of self-disturbance or how to reduce my level of suffering. Since that time, I’ve learned the helpful practice of USA, UOA, and ULA. Now, it’s my hope that Rekieta and everyone who’s directly and indirectly involved with his case may find peace through practice of UA.
Not a single person alive is infallible and while it may be tempting to compare one person’s fallibility with another individual’s, I don’t find such behavior entirely useful. Thus, rather than using absolutistic shoulds regarding Rekieta’s fallibility, I advocate techniques associated with UA.
Perhaps you’ve been in a similar situation as Rekieta and I, seemingly on top of the world one moment and traversing the valley of despair the next. You don’t have to sit among shattered shards of a demolished glass house.
If you’d like to know how to stop self-disturbing and trek your way out of that miserable valley, maybe REBT could help set you on a healthier path. If you’d like to know more, I look forward to hearing from you.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
AEI. (n.d.). About Albert Ellis, Ph.D. Albert Ellis Institute. Retrieved from https://albertellis.org/about-albert-ellis-phd/
Benzoix. (n.d.). Design house modern villa with open plan living and private bedroom wing large terrace with privacy [Image]. Freepik. Retrieved from https://www.freepik.com/free-ai-image/design-house-modern-villa-with-open-plan-living-private-bedroom-wing-large-terrace-with-privacy_43175021.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=14&uuid=3f86a9a2-a535-495f-85c1-6c90985e15f9
Burns, D. (2017, January 5). Should statements: Is there a moral / ethical dimension? Feeling Good. Retrieved from https://feelinggood.com/2017/01/05/should-statements-is-there-a-moral-ethical-dimension/
Ellis, A. and Harper, R. A. (1975). A new guide to rational living. Wilshire Book Co. Retrieved from https://archive.org/details/newguidetoration00elli
FOX 9. (2024, May 24). Nick Rekieta, MN lawyer and YouTuber, facing drug charge. Retrieved from https://www.fox9.com/news/nick-rekieta-mn-lawyer-youtuber-facing-drug-charge
Hollings, D. (n.d.). Blog – Categories: Disputation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/blog/categories/disputation
Hollings, D. (2022, May 17). Circle of concern. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/circle-of-concern
Hollings, D. (2022, October 31). Demandingness. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/demandingness
Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer
Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Fair use. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fair-use
Hollings, D. (2024, May 11). Fallible human being. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fallible-human-being
Hollings, D. (2023, February 9). Feminism. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/feminism
Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better
Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/
Hollings, D. (2023, May 18). Irrational beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/irrational-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching
Hollings, D. (2022, December 9). Like it, love it, accept it. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/like-it-love-it-accept-it
Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Lived experience. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/lived-expereince
Hollings, D. (2023, October 19). Mockingbird media. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/mockingbird-media
Hollings, D. (2023, October 2). Morals and ethics. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/morals-and-ethics
Hollings, D. (2024, April 22). On disputing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-disputing
Hollings, D. (2022, October 22). On empathy. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-empathy
Hollings, D. (2023, April 24). On truth. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-truth
Hollings, D. (2023, June 3). Perfect is the enemy of good. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/perfect-is-the-enemy-of-good
Hollings, D. (2022, November 7). Personal ownership. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/personal-ownership
Hollings, D. (2024, January 1). Psychoeducation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychoeducation
Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist
Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt
Hollings, D. (2023, December 24). Schadenfreude. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/schadenfreude
Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance
Hollings, D. (2022, October 7). Should, must, and ought. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/should-must-and-ought
Hollings, D. (2024, April 9). Shoulding at the supermarket. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/shoulding-at-the-supermarket
Hollings, D. (2023, September 6). The absence of suffering. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-absence-of-suffering
Hollings, D. (2024, February 27). The soft bigotry of low expectations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-soft-bigotry-of-low-expectations
Hollings, D. (2024, April 23). Trolley problem. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/trolley-problem
Hollings, D. (2022, July 11). Unconditional acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2023, March 11). Unconditional life-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-life-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2023, February 25). Unconditional other-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-other-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2023, March 1). Unconditional self-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-self-acceptance
IMDb. (n.d.). Nick Rekieta. Retrieved from https://www.imdb.com/name/nm10307148/
Rekieta Law [@RekietaLaw]. Rekieta Law [Official YouTube channel]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/c/rekietalaw
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Stephen Covey. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Covey
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Depp v. Heard. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depp_v._Heard
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Kyle Rittenhouse. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kyle_Rittenhouse
Comments