In a blogpost entitled People Who Live in Glass Houses, I identified an assortment of should-type beliefs associated with demandingness and in regard to Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). Herein, I’ll address one form of these non-self-disturbing demands.
Before expanding upon what a preferential should statement is and how it functions, it may be useful to first describe basic elements of REBT which serve as a type of self-help method for rational living. Essentially, there are two main techniques used in this version of cognitive behavior therapy.
REBT theory first uses the ABC model to illustrate how when Activating events (“Actions”) occur and people maintain irrational Beliefs about the events, these unhelpful assumptions – and not the actual occurrences – are what create unpleasant cognitive, emotive, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people use: demandingness, awfulizing, low frustration tolerance, and global evaluations. Addressing these, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unhelpful attitudes in order to explore Effective new beliefs.
From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
As an example, if you’ve arrived at an elevator as its doors immediately close (Action), you may need to wait for several minutes until the carriage returns (Consequence). From an A-C perspective, closing elevator doors often indicate that an elevator carriage is in use.
Still, if during the undesirable elevator event you Believe, “I should’ve been able to arrive here sooner,” then you’ll likely be un-disturbed though understandably annoyed (Consequence). This B-C connection isn’t necessarily self-disturbing, because you can tolerate and accept an outcome over which you have no control.
Thus, I help people to stop upsetting themselves through use of B-C connections, though I can’t fully resolve their A-C connections. To accomplish my objective as a psychotherapist, I invite individuals to take personal responsibility and accountability for their reactions to events.
Secondly, REBT uses the technique of unconditional acceptance to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance.
Additionally, foundational components incorporated into REBT relate to Stoicism—a philosophical practice valuing four virtues (wisdom, courage, temperance or moderation, and justice) as a means of achieving eudemonia—a life well-lived, as well as humanism—the process of healing oneself.
As well, REBT is influenced by existentialist principles—essentially positing that each of us will inevitably die and that we can search for purpose and meaning as a method of living a well-lived existence. Importantly, all of these techniques require frequent (and I mean daily) practice.
To better understand preferential should beliefs, in a blog entry entitled Shoulding at the Supermarket I provided commentary on what one prominent REBT practitioner offered when addressing this sort of assumption, while using an example of shopping at a supermarket:
[C]onsider that when you’re at the supermarket another shopper who isn’t paying attention when texting on a smartphone accidentally bumps into you. You could use an absolutistic should statement by inflexibly demanding that the individual apologize.
However, you instead say to yourself, “You really should apologize when not paying attention and running into someone, though I realize this is my preference and not some cosmic rule of the supermarket.” This preferential should is an adaptive belief about which one source states:
This is the healthy alternative to the absolute ‘should’ and contains an implicit negation to it. If we make both the preferential nature of this ‘should’ and this negation explicit in our example, we get the following statement: ‘You preferably should not have treated me in this way, but there is no law that states that you absolutely ‘should’ not have done so.
As you can just hear this sounds very awkward, so the person is more likely to say: ‘You should have not treated me in this way.’ This is, of course, confusing, since it is exactly the same wording as was used to denote an absolute ‘should’.
First, it leads to a further set of rational beliefs (e.g. ‘It’s bad that you treated me in this way, but it is not terrible’, ‘It’s difficult, but I can stand the fact that you treated me in this way’, and ‘You are not a swine for treating me in this way, but an unrateable fallible human being who has acted badly’).
The preferential ‘should’ also leads to a healthy negative emotion, and in this example the person experienced non-demanding, non-condemnatory anger about the other person’s mistreatment of him. As the preferential ‘should’ is healthy, it is not target for change in REBT.
Thus, preferential should beliefs are often flexible, arguably rational, and usually not self-defeating assumptions which aren’t necessarily worth challenging, because they typically don’t cause self-disturbance. A separate source states of preferential should beliefs:
This ‘should’ indicates a desire or preference for a given condition to exist: ‘My husband preferably should remember my anniversary,’ for example, carries an implicit additional meaning: ‘It would be good if he remembered but he does not have to.’
Ultimately, preferential should beliefs are frequently and helpfully used in common parlance, as I tend to use these sorts of narratives within my practice of REBT. Hopefully, the information contained herein helps you determine if you want to continue using this sort of belief.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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