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From time to time, when practicing rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT), I challenge unproductive assumptions of the clients with whom I work by asking a simple question: who are you? Interestingly, I find that many people seem not to know themselves.
Addressing this matter in a blogpost entitled Who Are You? I referenced the 1951 animated film Alice in Wonderland—based on the novel Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There—regarding a scene in which a caterpillar asked Alice, “Who are you?” and I stated:
I can’t count how many television shows, films, streaming series, and songs I’ve encountered which contain a similar motif. What may seem like a simple question turns out to be one of the most difficult to answer.
Aside from your name, social security number, reflection in the mirror, or who others suggest you are, do you know yourself? Seriously, who are you? Perhaps the first time I ardently contemplated this matter was when serving in the United States Marine Corps.
At that time, the Commandant of the Marine Corps maintained a reading list from which one of my staff noncommissioned officers advised I read. I chose the late Chinese military general and strategist Sun Tzu’s book The Art of War. In it, he stated (page 35):
If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.
Who was I, aside from the usual characteristics used to identify me? I had no actual idea. Therefore, I concluded that I would succumb in battles if or when faced with an enemy that wasn’t as ignorant as me – whoever it was I happened to be.
Since serving in the Corps, I’ve explored this matter on many occasions. At times, I seem to know who I am. During other instances, I realize that who I thought I was had changed. After all, I’m not the same individual I was at birth. A lot has changed!
Considering how so many people with whom I’ve worked seem not to have contemplated this matter, there’s little wonder as to why so many of them experience intimate partner discord. Even for a client who knows oneself in the early stages of a relationship, this person is subject to one day change.
Regarding this matter, the authors of Creative Marriage state that perhaps more important than assessing for mutual compatibility in an intimate partner relationship is the act of getting to know more about oneself when asking the following questions (page 77):
[A]re you confident, from observing yourself in action in a variety of life situations, that you really know what you think and feel about yourself in and out of marriage? Or are you merely mouthing conventional ideas, borrowed thoughts about what a person presumably should think and feel and do? If the latter, then don’t you think it about time that you discovered what you really want to do in life, what you would truly enjoy?
From where does your concept of self originate? Perhaps like me, when delving into the idea of who – and not merely what – I was when in the Corps, you don’t know who you are. Seriously, who are you?
Presuming this is the case, how could it be possible for a romantic partner to devote oneself to you when you don’t even know who it is to whom this individual is devoting oneself? Inferring a recommendatory should belief, the authors suggest (page 78):
The better you know yourself and your own life bents before you marry, and the more knowledge you have of your beloved’s possible objections to you and those bents, the safer you are likely to be in making a marital choice. The more ignorant you are about yourself and your potential partner in these respects, the more disaster you are courting.
The inferred recommendation is that you should know yourself before choosing to marry. Otherwise, you may succumb in every proverbial battle experienced during relational conflict, from a Tzu-esque perspective.
Okay, so the authors of Creative Marriage suggest exploring the question about who you are. That’s a fairly straightforward recommendation. Still, how do you go about finding out who you are? Answering this question, the authors state (page 79):
[T]hese days, so many thousands of couples and individuals go for premarital counseling and psychotherapy—to make certain that, even before they attempt a marital partnership, they have some significant degree of self-knowledge, and freedom from disturbance.
I recall first seriously contemplating who I was when reading The Art of War. And although hyperbole of Pat Benatar’s 1983 song “Love Is a Battlefield” isn’t entirely warranted, I find that many people with whom I’ve worked have regarded intimate partner relationships in this way.
All the same, you don’t have to be the sort of person who approaches relational battles of a proverbial nature with ignorance. If you know your partner and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you’d like to know more about self-knowledge, I’m here to help.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
Benatar Giraldo. (2009, March 11). Pat Benatar - Love Is a Battlefield (Official music video) [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/IGVZOLV9SPo?si=fTlCvvidrL6JbC0n
Bruce88lee. (2023, February 10). People saying who are you? in movies [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/YktyOyNiCJw?si=eOVKbQd8D9jlAXln
Ellis, A. and Harper, R. A. (1961). Creative Marriage. The Institute For Rational Living, Inc. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/creative-marriage-e184052310.html
Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer
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Hollings, D. (2023, September 3). On feelings. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-feelings
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Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt
Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Recommendatory should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/recommendatory-should-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance
Hollings, D. (2022, October 7). Should, must, and ought. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/should-must-and-ought
Hollings, D. (2023, July 11). Who are you? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/who-are-you
House of Mouse. (2017, January 24). Alice meets the caterpillar - Alice In Wonderland (1951) [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/_gpt2Zb5V5A
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Tzu, S. (2003). The Art of War. Barnes & Noble Books. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-art-of-war-barnes-noble-classics-d160949944.html
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