Ultimatums

[DISCLAIMER]

If I never again provide couples services for care of mental, emotional, and behavior health, it’ll be too soon. Wait. Perhaps it may be useful to provide context. [Tape rewinding sound] When serving as a life coach and psychotherapist, I used to provide couples therapy sessions.

Quite often when doing so, an intimate partner would contact me for services in relation to having received an ultimatum— a final proposition, condition, or demand, especially one whose rejection will end negotiations and cause a resort to force or other direct action.

Noteworthy, I practice Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) which is a psychotherapeutic modality that uses the ABC model to demonstrate how demandingness, particularly when using inflexible conditional beliefs, causes unhelpful self-disturbance.

When providing psychoeducational lessons on REBT, I often use syllogisms to illustrate the belief-consequence connection of disturbance. To demonstrate the unproductive use of conditional demandingness in the form of an ultimatum, consider the following example:

Form (modus ponens) –

If p, then q; p; therefore, q.

Example –

If you don’t go to counseling with me, then we’re getting a divorce. You don’t go to counseling with me. Therefore, we’re getting a divorce.

I maintain that ultimatums of this sort deny people the exercise of free will by creating false dichotomies, disregard personal agency, limit personal ownership of decisions, and repudiate the notion of self-determination and autonomy. Thus, I discourage use of such ultimatums.

Bear in mind that REBT is a humanistic modality, meaning it’s a type of psychotherapy that focuses on one’s individual nature and potential for growth, rather than focusing on one’s problems or symptoms. With this outlook, people already have within them the ability to change.

This approach further emphasizes one’s ability to make one’s own choices and to take ownership for beliefs which result in emotions, sensations, and behavior. As such, to me, rigid ultimatums in regard to psychotherapy seem antithetical to the practice of REBT.

However, the late psychologist Albert Ellis who developed REBT and his coauthor of Creative Marriage appear to have disagreed with my perspective. For instance, the authors state (page 200):

A more drastic method of getting a resistive spouse to consult a therapist is to have the cooperative partner issue an ultimatum. This is only infrequently used, as a last resort after other methods have dismally failed and where further progress depends upon the cooperation of the reluctant mate.

Personally, this anti-humanist psychotherapeutic viewpoint is coercive—compelling to an act or choice, achieving by force or threat. It’s an odd admission from Ellis, being that he was reportedly named by the American Humanist Association as its 1971 Humanist of the Year.

For context, imagine that I’m married. Using conditional demandingness in the form of an ultimatum, by way of a modus ponens format, I tell my wife, “If you don’t stop wearing clothing I find too revealing, then I’m divorcing you!” Would you consider this a reasonable ultimatum?

Suppose that my wife demands, “If you don’t give me as much sex as I demand, then I’m divorcing you!” Is that a reasonable ultimatum? If you answered in the negative to either example, then I wonder if you consider Ellis and his coauthor’s ultimatum reasonable.

Unabashedly, the authors claim, “Shotgun marriage counseling, like shotgun marriage, is at best a far from felicitous business. Sometimes, however, it works surprisingly well” (page 201). What principle of humanism endorses coercion? According to one source:

Humanists UK has raised concern about coercive control and treatment of apostates at the hands of family members and religious communities, at the 58th session of the UN Human Rights Council.

Delivered during an interactive dialogue with the UN’s Special Rapporteur on freedom of religion or belief, the intervention welcomed the recommendation that States uphold an absolute prohibition on coercion concerning religion or belief.

Prohibition is needed to protect the rights to freedom of religion or belief and freedom from torture and other cruel, inhumane, and degrading treatment in accordance with international human rights law.

Humanists UK reminded states that they have a positive obligation to prevent coercive actions by family and communities and called for appropriate training for all relevant public authorities.

Sticking with this example that relates to “freedom of religion or belief,” imagine that a husband and wife subscribe to the tenets of religion X. One day, the wife decides to no longer follow dogmatic practices of the religion. In fact, she admits to having already committed adultery.

Using conditional demandingness in the form of an ultimatum, by way of a modus ponens format, the husband then tells his wife, “If you commit adultery, then the prescribed punishment is to remain subject to stoning.” Would you consider this a reasonable ultimatum? I don’t!

Moreover, I maintain that unhealthy, anti-humanist, and coercive ultimatums which deny people the exercise of free will, disregard personal agency, limit personal ownership, and repudiate the notion of self-determination and autonomy have no place in psychotherapy. None!

If your intimate partner refuses to attend counseling, then you can take a logical and reasonable course of action without coercive measures. Perhaps this ultimately results in you leaving the relationship. Personally, better that than to use “shotgun marriage counseling.” Pass!

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

References:

AEI. (n.d.). About Albert Ellis, Ph.D. Albert Ellis Institute. Retrieved from https://albertellis.org/about-albert-ellis-phd/

American Humanist Association. (2007). Albert Ellis, 1971 humanist of the year, mourned. Retrieved from https://americanhumanist.org/press-releases/2007-07-albert-ellis-1971-humanist-of-the-year-mourned/

Ellis, A. and Harper, R. A. (1961). Creative Marriage. The Institute For Rational Living, Inc. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/creative-marriage-e184052310.html

Freepik. (n.d.). People sharing feelings and emotions during group therapy session [Image]. Retrieved from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/people-sharing-feelings-emotions-group-therapy-session_94668837.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=1&uuid=d9301ccc-a079-4f40-801e-f66ae99017ef&query=counseling+couple

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