The Roots
For whatever reason, I was late to appreciate the classic album Things Fall Apart by legendary hip hop group The Roots (“Roots”). Perhaps I was too distracted by things falling apart in my own life than to pay more attention when the album was released in 1999.
At any rate, a friend of mine (“Poet”) later encouraged me to listen to the album, as she outlined her case for why lyricists Black Thought, of the Roots, and Common’s contribution on the song “Act Too (The Love of My Life)” was worthy of my attention. Turns out, she was right.
The track is mellow and both lyricists describe their appreciation for hip hop, addressing this subcultural element as though it was a woman with whom they were in love. Since its release, many rappers and lyricists have emulated the theme of this song.
There are a few lines from Common to which I paid close attention, as I contemplated their meaning for years following Poet’s insistence upon me listening to the track. In specific, Common stated of hip hop:
As of late, I realized that this is her fate or destiny
To bring the best of me, it’s like God is testin’ me
In retrospect, I see she brought life and death to me
Poet introduced me to the Roots song during a time when I practiced religious faith, so I valued the belief of a deity that controlled “fate or destiny,” as Common described. Noteworthy, in “Act Too (The Love of My Life),” the lyricist laments the fact that he couldn’t control the future of hip hop.
Rap, the musical element of hip hop, was used or even abused by talented lyricists within the underground scene and unskilled rappers who had mainstream appeal. Common explained this as God apparently testing him. Seemingly, the lyricist’s love was falling apart.
When things fell apart for me at that time in my life, I, too, envisioned that the Creator of the universe was somehow testing me in accordance with Exodus 20:20:
Moses said to the people, “Do not be afraid. God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning.”
I was taught to expect investigation of my applied beliefs as a means of helping me to live in a moral and ethical manner. Similarly, rather than upsetting oneself with unhelpful assumptions about being challenged in such a way, Common reached a different outcome.
The lyricist concluded that through trials and tribulation of an ever-fluctuating musical art form to which he clung tightly, as one does in regard to a beloved romantic partner, Common realized that hip hop “brought life and death” to him. Notice, he didn’t express an either-or paradigm.
Hip hop wasn’t focused on either life or death. This subcultural element to which the lyricist devoted his life brought the experience of both life and death. The same was said to be true of God, per 1 Samuel 2:6:
“The Lord brings death and makes alive; he brings down to the grave and raises up […]”
For years following Poet’s encouragement pertaining to the Roots, I thought about things falling apart. No matter how well-constructed I believed my life was – with all the details with which I was so deterministically concerned – things would inevitably fall apart.
Moreover, the very essence of my life involved in this equation of life-and-death would one day fall apart. This is what hip hop was said to have brought Common, what God was described as bringing to humans, and what I now bring to you – truth about things falling apart.
REBT
In my personal and professional life, I practice Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). Whereas I used to rely on religiosity to help me when things fell apart, since 2011, I’ve depended on this psychotherapeutic modality to get me through difficult times.
REBT theory uses the ABC model to illustrate how when Activating events (“Actions”) occur and people maintain irrational Beliefs about the events, these unhelpful assumptions – and not the actual occurrences – are what create unpleasant cognitive, emotive, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people use: demandingness, awfulizing, low frustration tolerance, and global evaluations. Addressing these, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unhelpful assumptions in order to explore Effective new beliefs.
From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
As an example, when I was a child and erected a miniature tower out of plastic building-block toys, another child laughed while pushing my project over (Action). As a result of the force exerted by the child, my toy tower fell apart as it slammed against the floor (Consequence).
When this occurred, there wasn’t an A-C connection that resulted in my distress in association with the event. Rather, when I unhelpfully Believed, “That shouldn’t have happened to me,” then I self-disturbed into a sorrowful disposition (Consequence).
Thus, when practicing REBT, I help people to stop upsetting themselves through use of B-C connections, though I can’t fully resolve their A-C connections. Sometimes people will behave in ways which you may not like, though you don’t have to fall apart when things fall apart.
In addition to the ABC model, REBT uses the technique of unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance.
Also, foundational components incorporated into REBT relate to Stoicism—a philosophical practice valuing four virtues (wisdom, courage, temperance or moderation, and justice) as a means of achieving eudemonia—a life well-lived, as well as humanism—the process of healing oneself.
As well, REBT is influenced by existentialist principles—essentially positing that each of us will inevitably die and that we can search for purpose and meaning as a method of living a well-lived existence. Importantly, all of these techniques require frequent (and I mean daily) practice.
In “Act Too (The Love of My Life),” Common realized that hip hop brought life and death to him. This is an existentialist perspective, as everyone you’ve ever known, currently know, and every will know in life is accountable to death.
Through use of REBT, I acknowledge this inescapable fact. Furthermore, I find this psychoeducational lesson useful in regard to metaphorical death (i.e., the destruction of a toy tower), actual death (i.e., the inevitable end to my current existence in this form), and everything else in between.
Things fell apart
Since graduating with a Master of Arts in Counseling degree in 2011, prior to which I learned of REBT, I wanted to work as a psychotherapist with military veterans. The obvious objective was to seek employment with the United States Department of Veterans Affairs (VA).
However, in 2011, I was informed by VA staff that counselors weren’t being considered for employment positions at the time. Instead, social workers were retained for the level of psychotherapy I wanted to provide. The hope to accomplish my goal fell apart.
Rather than self-disturbing about the undesirable event, I used UA to tolerate and accept the situation. Because REBT functions as a form of self-help, an individual can simultaneously accept the unpleasantness of life while also seeking to improve upon one’s own experience.
This is accomplished by recognizing the limits of a person’s control and influence while also taking personal responsibility and accountability for one’s own reaction to events. Therefore, I acknowledged the VA’s stance on counselors even though I was disappointed with its position.
As well, I applied to a social work graduate program in 2012 and earned a Master of Science in Social Work degree in 2014. For the counseling program, I had practicum hours at the VA. Regarding the social work program, I received internship hours at a separate VA facility.
With disabled veteran status, two master’s degrees, and training experience at the VA, I applied for various jobs with the nation’s largest provider of veteran healthcare. Each application was met with rejection. My ambition to work for the VA fell apart with each exclusion notification.
Determined nevertheless, thanks in large part to practice of UA, I kept applying and also relied upon a state representative to assist me with attaining an entry-level position at a VA facility located an hour from my home. Finally, I would be able to work with veterans!
Appointed to a female manager who had slightly less than three decades of social work experience and who was augmented by a team comprised of four other female social workers, I was the only male working with that specific program. That is until another male, a junior social worker, joined shortly thereafter.
In order to receive independent clinical licensure, I needed to begin gathering supervisory hours which the VA offered as a perk of employment. However, my manager advised me that I didn’t qualify for the benefit.
The same wasn’t true for a female coworker who received this perk. Practicing UA in regard to the matter, my manager further denied my request to seek off-site clinical supervision at my own expense. Thus, my plan for upward mobility within the VA system fell apart.
In any case, I didn’t self-disturb. Rather, I sought and was granted approval for off-site supervision. When things fell apart, I put them back together. Importantly, not always did the reassembled product of my effort reflect its predecessor, though things weren’t left destroyed.
The other social work male and I were then assigned to a single office that was previously used as a storage space. Each of the female social workers had their own offices. This included the aforementioned similarly situated and non-independently licensed female colleague on our team.
Likewise, all female social workers were permitted to conduct independent home visits with veterans and caregivers, though my manager required both male social workers to be accompanied by female social workers. At the time, there was no explanation given for this disparity.
As well, when females would speak during meetings, our female manager would listen. When males spoke, we were continuously interrupted. Often, after meetings, my female counterparts would gather in the shared male office space and voice their concerns with my manager’s behavior.
Through all of the undesirable activating events, I practiced UA. This is because I understood that it wasn’t the prejudicial attitudes or discriminatory behavior of my manager that bothered me. Instead, what I unproductively believed about the issue could lead to a consequence.
One can choose a preferred outcome, such as disappointment. Additionally, one could choose to self-disturb with unfavorable beliefs and wind up angry, bitter, cynical, or disgruntled. I chose the former when things fell apart.
That was until one day my manager said to me during a one-on-one meeting that men weren’t well-suited for the field of social work. In fact, she informed me that she’d already taken steps to decrease my workload while suggesting that I transfer to another VA position.
Things fell apart. All the same, I practiced UA and chose not to self-disturb to the point of unhealthy negative emotion. I spent thousands of dollars, dedicated many years, and sacrificed alternative career paths just to work with veterans at the VA.
Thus, I wasn’t about to throw it all away in regard to unhelpful beliefs about the situation. Remaining as rational as possible, I decided to go home that night and consider my options. Returning with a fresh perspective the next day, I initiated administrative action.
Attempts to remedy the matter with my manager through use of a mediator failed, as I filed an Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) complaint. This was a logical and reasonable solution to my problem, one that didn’t involve self-disturbance.
I filed the EEOC report on a morning I was scheduled to conduct home visits with veterans and their caregivers. When I arrived back to the VA that afternoon, my employment was terminated. Things fell apart.
Having been made aware of the discriminatory practices to which I was subjected, my off-site female clinical supervisor invited me to read Pema Chödrön’s book When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. Although I intended on reading the text, I didn’t follow through.
Eventually, an EEOC-appointed female judge upheld the VA’s decision to terminate my employment. As I predicted, the discriminatory action to which I was subjected was ostensibly excused.
The decision stemmed from a two-day hearing that involved the judge’s female assistant, the VA’s female attorney and her female assistant, my female union attorney, and a female union president. Things fell apart.
Despite believing that I had plenty of evidence to substantiate a claim of sex-based discrimination, I was unable to convince an all-female cohort of my claim. When things fell apart, in my mind I could hear lyrics from Ye’s song “All Falls Down,” featuring Syleena Johnson:
Oh, when it all (c’mon, c’mon)
It all falls down (and when it falls down, who you gon’ call now?)
I’m tellin’ you all (come on, come on)
It all falls down, oh, when it all (and when it all falls down)
Things fall down. They fall apart. I rebuild them and they fall down and apart. Rebuild! They then fall down, fall apart, catch flames, and those flame are extinguished by someone pissing on them. Still, I rebuild.
In the same year that my EEOC case was finalized, I gained employment with a mental, emotional, and behavioral health practice wherein I received clinical supervision for licensure. I’d experienced a metaphorical death of one career path and received proverbial life for another.
A couple years after things fell apart for me, I earned independent licensure as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Clinical Social Worker. I then established Hollings Therapy, LLC.
Recently, a client recommended that I read Chödrön’s book When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. Having successfully rebuilt my life over and over again, I was intrigued to find out what the Tibetan Buddhist nun who authored the book had to say.
Over the past weekend, I finished reading the text. Unsurprisingly, many of the teachings advocated by Chödrön are in alignment with REBT theory. In specific, the practice of UA, understanding of existentialism, and appreciation for a humanist perspective – which I admit sounds odd in regard to Buddhist practice – were addressed.
Most importantly, I was reminded of how frequently things fall apart, how often people experience metaphorical death. Likewise, I was content to recall that with each of these death experiences a person can proverbially regenerate life.
Things will inevitably fall apart. That is the way of a flawed existence. For instance, I spent significant resources in hope to one day serve veterans through employment with the VA. However, that hope fell apart. And when it falls down, who you gon’ call now?
On the track “Act Too (The Love of My Life),” Common relied upon hip hop to bring out his best self through remembrance of life and death. Learning how to live well may prepare one to alternatively die well, as things will eventually fall apart into an inescapable death.
For those who rely on biblical teaching, God is said to test humans while also bringing death and granting life. Many call upon His name when things fall apart. Also, it’s with some degree of hope and faith that people speak of an afterlife in which nothing from that point is said to fall apart.
In my own experience, I’ve heavily relied upon hip hop, God, and REBT at various points along my path. Regarding the latter, when it all falls down and I’m kneeling on the shattered fragments of a life fallen apart, I now know how to rebuild.
Rather than hoarding knowledge of how to repair one’s life, I’ve taken a path similar to Chödrön – although admittedly far less rigorous than that of a Buddhist nun. As such, I try to help people when things fall apart.
For those individuals who are prepared to actually apply themselves rather than expecting that a psychotherapist will somehow do all of the necessary work for them in order to get better rather than seeking cathartic relief by merely feeling better, welcome. Let’s rebuild!
And if things fall apart thereafter. Rebuild. And if someone comes along and pisses on your shattered things which have fallen to the ground and are now consumed in flames, rebuild. After all, this is the way of life. And life, too, will eventually fall apart. Until then, rebuild!
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost old school hip hop REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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