Something's Got to Give

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people about the ABC model of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves through use of irrational beliefs). Now, I’ll address a finer point of this psychotherapeutic model of wellness.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. That negative outcome is disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive Beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought-type demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

While still serving as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Noteworthy, natural forms of distress are tolerable (i.e., mild anxiousness, sorrow, frustration, annoyance, disappointment, etc.). Even though unnatural forms of disturbance are also tolerable (e.g., enragement), my approach to REBT seeks the outcome which is more likely to be endured.

Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. There are a number of flexible and inflexible terms related to demandingness which serve as derivatives to “should,” “must,” and “ought” types of self-disturbing philosophies regarding life.

For instance, “In order to understand what I’m saying, you have to pay attention,” “You better not allow your mind to wander,” “You need to listen,” and, “If you want to stop self-disturbing, then you gotta practice REBT.” Perhaps a real-world example may enrich your comprehension.

On his second studio album My Turn (2020), rapper Lil Baby released the song “Solid” in which he used demandingness derivatives. Now, I invite you to consider whether or not you consider his use of “got to” and “gotta” (forms of “should,” “must,” or “ought”) as flexible or inflexible:

Nobody got hit, spin the block again (Yeah, yeah)

I done been too solid, something’s got to give (Yeah, yeah)

Rockin’ real diamonds before I got the deal

Through the grace of God, we got away, so now we gotta chill

They thought it was rap cap, and I told ’em that I got a mil’

You can get whatever if you ask me, you ain’t gotta steal

My lil’ woadie said he fightin’ demons, feel like he gotta kill

And I just left the hood to catch a vibe, and that shit give me chills

In his first instance of demandingness use, Lil Baby admits that he’s “been too solid,” presumably a reference to having achieved stable success, as “something’s got to give” regarding stressful circumstances (i.e., rolling through someone else’s hostile territory).

I view this as a flexible self-demand if the rapper helpfully reminds himself that he ought to alter his behavior, though an inflexible self-demand if he unhelpfully believes that circumstances must change themselves. The key to understanding in this regard is that context matters.

The next instance of a flexible demand unfolds as Lil Baby states “we got away, so now we gotta chill.” I imagine that he’s referencing his ability to have improved his situation in life, as he productively demands of himself that he should relax without returning to his former ways.

Thereafter, Lil Baby healthily reminds others that they “ain’t gotta steal” from him, which I liken to a flexible statement that indicates others preferably shouldn’t steal from the rapper. What may occur if others violate this helpful preference is anyone’s guess.

Finally, Lil Baby references a close friend having apparently confided in him, admitting that the individual inflexibly believes that he’s “gotta kill” other people. As indicated by the rapper, this individual is said to be “fightin’ demons,” which is a manner of admitting rigidity of mind.

Lil Baby’s aptly named album My Turn may serve as a reminder to other people regarding how empowering it is to use flexible forms of demands, and how dis-empowering it is to use inflexible derivatives of demandingness. If you use the latter, then somethings’ got to give. It’s your turn!

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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