Banquet Etiquette

[DISCLAIMER]

As a child, my mom taught my sisters and I lessons on etiquette (the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life). For instance, we were taught not to smack (to close and open lips noisily and rapidly when eating).

In adulthood, when attending training for the Marine Security Guard (MSG) program, Marines were subject to formal lessons on etiquette at banquets (elaborate and often ceremonious meals for numerous people, often in honor of a person). This paid off for Marine Corps birthday balls:

All these years later, I’m reminded of lessons on etiquette from both childhood and adulthood. In particular, my former training was recalled when reading a book that coincides with the psychotherapeutic modality I practice.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Reading a passage from the book, I reflected upon my time as an MSG. Because Marines serving a diplomatic mission aboard were surrounded by diplomats, dignitaries, presidents, ambassadors, and other world leaders, we couldn’t merely embody a quote reportedly from Eleanor Roosevelt:

The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps!

Although Marines were said to have been unruly, ‘ambassadors in blue’ (MSGs) couldn’t simply get drunk and start bar (or banquet) fights with notables in foreign lands. Regarding this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic quote ancient Stoic philosopher Epictetus who stated (page 65):

Remember to conduct yourself in life as if at a banquet. As something being passed around comes to you, reach out your hand and take a moderate helping. Does it pass you by? Don’t stop it.

It hasn’t yet come? Don’t burn in desire for it, but wait until it arrives in front of you. Act this way with children, a spouse, toward position, with wealth—one day it will make you worthy of a banquet with the gods.

I don’t know about dining with “the gods,” though I’ve indeed dined with foreign dignitaries that conducted themselves as though they were self-perceived deities. Imagine if MSGs hadn’t received banquet etiquette, and we called out the self-absorbed behavior for what is was: absurd.

That wouldn’t have boded well for anyone involved. Therefore, learning to behave in a dignified fashion – even if or when MSGs didn’t personally value dignity afforded to individuals – was the most appropriate strategy. About this approach, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 65):

The next time you see something you want, remember Epictetus’s metaphor of life’s banquet. As you find yourself getting excited, ready to do anything and everything to get it—the equivalent of reaching across the table and grabbing a dish out of someone’s hands—just remind yourself: that’s bad manners and unnecessary. Then wait patiently for your turn.

Practicing proper banquet etiquette wasn’t necessarily appealing to a number of the MSGs with whom I served. However, practicing bad manners and exhibiting unnecessary behavior wasn’t a viable option either. Concluding a point on this topic, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 65):

This metaphor has other interpretations too. For instance, we might reflect that we’re lucky to have been invited to such a wonderful feast (gratitude).

Or that we should take our time and savor the taste of what’s on offer (enjoying the present moment) but that to stuff ourselves sick with food and drink serves no one, least of all our health (gluttony is a deadly sin, after all).

That at the end of the meal, it’s rude not to help the host clean up and do the dishes (selflessness). And finally, that next time, it’s our turn to host and treat others just as we had been treated (charity). Enjoy the meal!

I don’t know about “a deadly sin,” though I appreciate how the authors provide an example of how Stoicism is a method of wellness that teaches one to ingratiate oneself to the community in which one lives. This is an antithetical example to that of which Stoicism is misrepresented.

For instance, one may misperceive behavior of the military police (MP) training class with whom I graduated as Stoic. We were involved in so many bar fights, both on and off Fort McClellan in Anniston, Alabama, that we were banned from all alcohol-serving establishments.

A person may’ve seen our rowdy platoon as a Stoic bunch of men who weren’t concerned with the perspectives of others. However, that’s a misrepresented view of Stoicism. Alternatively, banquet etiquette was necessary so that MSGs wouldn’t behave like disorderly MPs.

This is the lesson I invite you to consider from the current blogpost. It may not be appealing for you to practice etiquette, similar to the lessons I received in both child- and adulthood, though I encourage you to think about how doing so may be of benefit to you and others.

While there are other notable options, I ask which sort of behavior may best serve your interests and goals—remaining subject to unpleasant consequences of behavior (i.e., my MP training class) or being afforded an opportunity to dine with dignitaries (i.e., my MSG training class)?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

Daily Stoic. (n.d.). Translating the Stoics: An interview with “The Daily Stoic” co-author Stephen Hanselman. Retrieved from https://dailystoic.com/stephen-hanselman-interview/

Ferry, B. W. (n.d.). Ambassadors in blue. U.S. Department of State. Retrieved from https://1997-2001.state.gov/publications/statemag/statemag_feb99/featxt2.html

Goodreads. (n.d.). Eleanor Roosevelt > Quotes > Quotable quote. Retrieved from https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/119060-the-marines-i-have-seen-around-the-world-have-the

Holiday, R. and Hanselman, S. (2016). The daily stoic: 366 meditations on wisdom, perseverance, and the art of living. Penguin Random House LLC. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-daily-stoic-366-meditations-on-wisdom-perseverance-and-the-art-of-living-d61378067.html

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Wikipedia. (n.d.). Eleanor Roosevelt. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eleanor_Roosevelt

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