What We Desire Makes Us Vulnerable

[DISCLAIMER]

For some time, I’ve used my blog to address world conflict. In specific, I’ve discussed war between Russia and Ukraine, as well as Israel against the people of Gaza (Palestine), Lebanon, Iran, Syria, Yemen, and against whomever else the Israelis are purportedly self-defending.

I don’t do this as a matter of unhelpful demandingness, by which I rigidly declare what should, must, or ought to occur around the globe. This is true even in regard to the United States, in which I live, and my value for a position of non-interventionism (not the same as isolationism).

Rather, I maintain a helpful desire for peace (a state or period of mutual concord between governments). Whereas a “demand” is something claimed as due or owed, a “desire” relates to something longed or hoped for. These concepts aren’t the same thing.

For instance, as I helpfully desire world peace, I’m well aware that conflict is inherent in life. To unhelpfully demand otherwise would cause unnecessary self-disturbance. Contemplating this matter, I think about the psychotherapeutic modality I practice, as well as a book I’m reading.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

When considering what the authors describe in regard to desire, I invite you to think about the distinction I’ve drawn between demands and desires. With this in mind, I like that authors of The Daily Stoic provide a quote from ancient Stoic philosopher Epictetus who stated (page 67):

Remember that it’s not only the desire for wealth and position that debases and subjugates us, but also the desire for peace, leisure, travel, and learning. It doesn’t matter what the external thing is, the value we place on it subjugates us to another . . . where our heart is set, there our impediment lies.

Regarding this quote, I stated in a blogpost entitled Desire and Disturbance, “I think the elements which differentiate the experience of wanting something and suffering associated with desire are—in the most literal sense—all within our minds.” Epictetus called this the “heart.”

In any event, per my interpretation of the Epictetus quote, the important takeaway point is that it doesn’t matter the object of demand or desire, because the beliefs about worth we attribute to such matters can cause self-disturbance. About this, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 67):

Surely, Epictetus isn’t saying that peace, leisure, travel, and learning are bad, is he? Thankfully, no. But ceaseless, ardent desire—if not bad in and of itself—is fraught with potential complications. What we desire makes us vulnerable.

From this perspective, if I were to desire world peace in such a manner that it became unhelpful – to the point where I began neglecting daily self-care while overly concerned with matters I can’t control or influence – then underlying my hope would likely remain demandingness.

Thankfully, this isn’t the case. As an example, although I’d prefer if Israel wasn’t likely committing genocide or ethnic cleansing in Gaza, I understand that a helpful preference isn’t the same thing as an unhelpful expectation. Authors of The Daily Stoic continue (page 67):

Whether it’s an opportunity to travel the world or to be the president or for five minutes of peace and quiet, when we pine for something, when we hope against hope, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Because fate can always intervene and then we’ll likely lose our self-control in response.

In REBT literature, there’s a difference between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. An example of the latter would be if I was enraged by ostensible war crimes being committed by Israelis in Gaza. How would my interests and goals be served if I was self-disturbed in this way?

Alternatively, an example of healthy distress is when I’m merely frustrated, annoyed, or disappointed by the actions of Israelis against Gazans. Although I may set myself up for disappointment when hoping against hope, I can tolerate distress while still paying attention.

However, I understand that this may not be the case for those who don’t practice REBT. Therefore, I can comprehend the appeal of simply desiring or hoping for nothing, as not to need tolerance at all. Regarding this approach to life, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 67):

As Diogenes, the famous Cynic, once said, “It is the privilege of the gods to want nothing, and of godlike men to want little.” To want nothing makes one invincible—because nothing lies outside your control.

This doesn’t just go for not wanting the easy-to-criticize things like wealth or fame—the kinds of folly that we see illustrated in some of our most classic plays and fables.

I’m not a god, nor am I godlike. In fact, I don’t want to embody either of those clusters of traits. Rather, I may want many things while understanding that I don’t need many things. I touched on this perspective in a blogpost entitled Desire Much, but Need Very Little when stating:

Given the distinction between “desire” and “need,” is it true that I need to be of help to my clients? No. I may desire to assist people with improving their level of functioning and quality of life. However, I’m not personally responsible or accountable for the outcomes of my clients.

Therefore, in order to lead a psychologically healthy life, it’s okay for me to desire much, but need very little. Not only is this an achievable standard, it’s one that drastically reduces self-disturbance.

Perhaps there are “godlike” people among us who witness atrocities committed by misnomered Israel Defense Forces and remain “invincible” to distress or disturbance. Yet, I’m not that sort of person, and don’t want to be. Authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 67):

That green light that Gatsby strove for can represent seemingly good things too, like love or a noble cause. But it can wreck someone all the same. When it comes to your goals and the things you strive for, ask yourself: Am I in control of them or they in control of me?

Regarding this concluded outlook, I’m fully aware that I’m in control of my reaction to the atrocities I observe. Still, with a goal to advocate justice, rather than cower behind the cloak of self-righteous isolationism, I unconditionally accept that what I desire makes me vulnerable.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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