Burning Coals

[DISCLAIMER]

By the time family X, from a Churches of Christ congregation of which I was a member, took me into their home during my sophomore year of high school, transferring me from a children’s home, I’d already been raised under the doctrine of the Jehovah’s Witnesses for most of my life.

What family X, who lived in Amarillo, Texas, didn’t know was that when living in Aurora, Colorado between half of my fifth grade to half of my seventh grade years, I became acquainted with members of the Crips street gang. Also, in the children’s home, I lived with a Crip member.

Therefore, when family X allowed me into their home, I gravitated toward a multiracial renegade Crip set that was allied with all-Mexican members of the Sureños. I also made friends with mostly black members of the Bloods. The name bestowed upon me by gangbangers was 2-Nice.

Alluding to the justification used for my nickname, I stated in a blogpost entitled Victimhood’s Journey, “I negotiated a temporary truce between two gangs at the Amarillo Tri-State Exposition/Tri-State Fair & Rodeo.” For context, I ask that you forgive me a personal anecdote.

I walked through the fairgrounds with members of the Crips and the Sureños when in high school. During that time, we happened upon a rival gang set. One of my friends expressed concern, because he’d apparently been romantically involved with a rival’s rucca.

Harsh words were exchange between gang members, as the rival set stood face-to-face with me and my friends. I knew that most members in my group were carrying weapons (i.e., firearms, knives, fistloads, etc.). I would’ve been surprised to have learned that the rivals weren’t armed.

As tensions flared with more words of provocation exchanged, I noticed sheriff’s deputies encircling our position. Many of my friends already had criminal records, as most of them had a particular disdain for law enforcement. What was yet another criminal charge to them?

It was in that moment that I thought of my religious teaching. As well, not wanting to disappoint members of family X by whatever they may’ve believed about my behavior, the rationale for my nickname was substantiated on that day.

“Hey, hey, hey,” I said when stepping in between the heated factions, “I know y’all have beef, and that ain’t gonna change from anything that happens today.” I was somewhat surprised that anyone bothered listening to me. Yet, I had the attention of the gangbangers.

“Now, look,” I reasoned, “whatever happened—happened. That can’t be changed right now. But what can change is that we can call a temporary truce, because the hooda has us surrounded.” Each of the self-disturbed parties began glancing around. Apparently, I made a rational point.

“I tell you what,” I continued while facing the rival set, “we can all walk away as we came. It’s clear that y’all mean business, and I have no doubt that each of my homies is down, too. Let’s squash this shit right now. But the next time any of us meet again, it’s on sight! So?”

To my astonishment, each of the hardened gangsters accepted the terms. “Good,” I concluded, “now let’s act like we’re all vatos, so the hooda can fuck off!” I wish that I had at least one person available to authenticate this story, because what happened next was almost unbelievable.

As though they were performing at a local theater, my friends and their rivals immediately began dapping up one another, hugging, laughing, and exchanging pleasantries. At that, the deputies left us alone. Thinking of that event, I’m reminded of a book that I’ve been steadily reading. 

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

When recalling the fairgrounds event, I remember thinking about how disappointed and pleased members of family X may’ve been regarding my actions. On one hand, they undoubtedly wouldn’t have approved of my friend group. (This was revealed later in high school.)

On the other hand, I imagine that they would’ve invoked Matthew 5:9, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” I used kindness to bring about peace. That was too nice (“2-Nice”). Regarding this matter, Marcus Aurelius once stated (page 152):

Kindness is invincible, but only when it’s sincere, with no hypocrisy or faking. For what can even the most malicious person do if you keep showing kindness and, if given the chance, you gently point out where they went wrong—right as they are trying to harm you?

I have little doubt that the rival gang set meant to harm each person among my friend group. Still, I sincerely showed them kindness and managed to diffuse the situation. Concerning this approach to rational living, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 152):

What if the next time you were treated meanly, you didn’t just restrain yourself from fighting back—what if you responded with unmitigated kindness? What if you could “love your enemies, do good to those who hate you”? What kind of effect do you think that would have?

Admittedly, I never was fond of Matthew 5:43-44, “43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,” because I have never loved my enemies, which may be a moral failing.

While I’m confessing herein, the only time I prayed for enemies was for hardship to befall them. Seemingly, I wasn’t a good Christian. In any case, I comprehend what authors of The Daily Stoic propose. Use of kindness, rather than responding in kind to a self-disturbed outcome, is healthy.

Granted, it isn’t an easy affair. Then again, neither is being apprehended by members of law enforcement after having supposedly defended one’s honor. A kind approach is a reasonable option. About this, authors of The Daily Stoic add, while referencing Romans 12:20 (page 152):

The Bible says that when you can do something nice and caring to a hateful enemy, it is like “heap[ing] burning coals on his head.” The expected reaction to hatred is more hatred.

When someone says something pointed or mean today, they expect you to respond in kind—not with kindness. When that doesn’t happen, they are embarrassed. It’s a shock to their system—it makes them and you better.

My true account of the fairgrounds event, as I recall it, was an example of kindness to everyone involved. None of the gangbangers were injured that day. No bystanders were, either. Likewise, the sheriff’s deputies were shown kindness by not needing to involve themselves in a scuffle.

Similarly, I showed myself kindness by demonstrating that even though my behavior in association with gang members was perceivably disappointing, I could do some good when associating with them. Concluding their point, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 152):

Most rudeness, meanness, and cruelty are a mask for deep-seated weakness. Kindness in these situations is only possible for people of great strength. You have that strength. Use it.

Had I been asked about whether or not I considered myself a person of moral fortitude when hanging around gangbangers, I plausibly would’ve dodged the question. Nevertheless, my friends called me “2-Nice” regarding deeds which they deemed worthy of “great strength.”

Now, I share my personal anecdote, Aurelius’s wisdom, and the perspective from authors of The Daily Stoic with you. Additionally, I offer a quote purportedly expressed by the Buddha, though which reportedly is a paraphrase by Buddhaghosa from the Visuddhimagga:

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

Even though the Buddha apparently never said this, I appreciate the sentiment. Perhaps instead of holding the burning coals of self-disturbance in your hand, you can do something nice and caring to hateful enemies. In doing so, you figuratively heap burning coals upon their heads. 

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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