Excuses: They All Stink

[DISCLAIMER]

I don’t know to whom credit is due for originally stating, “Excuses are like assholes. Everyone has one, and they all stink.” Nevertheless, I appreciate the expression. This is the case, even if not “all” assholish excuses are invalid (e.g., missing an important date, because you died).

In common parlance, an excuse is defined as an attempt to make apology for, to try to remove blame from, to forgive entirely or disregard as of trivial import, or to grant exemption or release to. Given the variety of definitions for this term, I maintain that not “all” excuses are stinky.

Of course, this affords an individual the opportunity to conveniently apply an assholish excuse to virtually any given scenario. This is something about which I became acutely aware when beginning the informal practice of life coaching when in seventh grade.

At the time, I lived in a children’s home with other residents who had traumatic experiences similar to mine. Perhaps because my level of functioning and quality of life appeared to be relatively higher than other children with whom I lived, I was often approached for advice.

Yet, when I offered guidance, many of the kids countered with outlandish excuses. “I couldn’t possible do [___], because it’s too hard,” or, “That may sound easy, but [___],” were replies I often received. “Then, why are you asking for my help?” is how I’d subsequently respond.

After attending graduate schools for counseling (2009-2011) and social work (2012-2014), having become a psychotherapist, the assholish excuses from people who sought care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”) continued, as I stated in Askhole:

As one can imagine in a society which heavily favors victimhood narratives, my advocacy for personal ownership [collectively “personal responsibility and accountability”] isn’t always appreciated. Admittedly, I’ve lost some clients due to their rigid terms of service regarding how I apparently must behave as a psychotherapist.

Moreover, I come across the occasional person who engages my services with an inevitable outcome stemming from the rejection of help for which one seeks. I imagine the reader has some familiarity with people like this in your own life.

Colloquially, this sort of person is known as an “askhole.” One source defines this as a “person who constantly asks for your advice, yet ALWAYS does the complete opposite of what you told them to do.”

In the realm of mental health, this type of individual is referred to as a “help-rejecting complainer.” One source identifies this term as relating to “someone who directly or indirectly asks for help. A lot. Constantly. Then they refuse the help that is offered.”

Help-rejecting complainers, or “askholes,” typically engage in behavior related to griping, whining, bitching, moaning, complaining, whinging, venting, etc. Yet, they rarely take personal ownership for their own outcomes by actually doing anything other than offering excuses.

“I can’t do that, because of my hormones,” “I’d do that, but my period prevents me,” “I’d try it, but she makes me so mad,” “I don’t think I can attempt it, because he’s not willing to work with me,” and so on and so assholish excuse forth! Of those particular excuses, they all stink!

Regarding this matter, I’m reminded of a scene from the 2015 film The Overnight. Specifically, an artist creates a number of paintings of assholes. Yes, you heard that right. He paints various assholes from people he personally knows, as well as his own.

Photo credit, property of The Orchard, fair use

I’m reminded of that scene, because that’s how it’s been for me since having begun life coaching and after becoming a psychotherapist. There are assholes upon assholes of excuses, and they (most) all stink! Having admitted this, I think an important distinction can be made.

I try to help fallible human beings who I maintain warrant unconditional acceptance based on nothing other than the fact that they are “alive and human” (Miller, page 11). Thus, when referring to “assholes of excuses,” I’m addressing the excuses—though not the fallible humans.

This is a crucial distinction, because I further assert that people aren’t their excuses. My healthy perspective in this regard aligns with the psychotherapeutic modality that I practice, as well as content from a book that I’ve been steadily reading and about which I’ll discuss herein.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

The authors quote ancient Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius who stated, “It is possible to curb your arrogance, to overcome pleasure and pain, to rise above your ambition, and to not be angry with stupid and ungrateful people—yes, even to care for them” (page 201).

The term “stupid” is defined as given to unintelligent decisions or acts, as “ungrateful” regards showing no gratitude. Although fallible human beings cannot possibly exist as their excuses, they indubitably can be “stupid and ungrateful people.” (Do you hear me, askholes?)

These same imperfect individuals offer up figuratively countless assholish excuses rather than taking personal ownership for their outcomes by doing the work necessary for improved mental health. Concerning similarly unhelpful justifications, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 201):

“I was just born this way.” “I never learned anything different.” “My parents set a terrible example.” “Everyone else does it.” What are these? Excuses that people use to justify staying as they are instead of striving to become better.

The American Psychological Association states of justification, “in clinical psychology, defensive intellectualization, as in making an excuse for an action, cognition, or affect that one knows to be or is considered to be wrong or indefensible.” Oh, the justifications I’ve heard!

When continuing to develop my life coaching skills when in the military, I often relied upon the saying “you use ‘just’ when attempting to just-ify your actions.” As an example, one of the junior Marines in my charge was late to his military police shift.

When I asked about the reasoning for his actions, he assholishly replied, “Well, sergeant, I was just driving to work when all of the sudden all four of my tires blew out!” I shit you not; he tried to justify his tardiness with the highly improbable experience of a simultaneous tire blowout.

Would it surprise you that I’ve received similarly ridiculous excuses for a lack of follow-through regarding negotiated homework exercises from clients? It isn’t uncommon for me to remind clients, “It’s Rational Emotive BEHAVIOR Therapy, meaning there’s a behavioral component.”

Intellectual and emotional insight is crucial for improving one’s mental health outcomes. The intellectual portion (i.e., rational and partially emotive) is attained inside of a session. Still, the emotional part (i.e., other portion of emotive and also behavioral) is gained outside of a session.

Excuses are a poor substitute regarding the necessary emotional insight to which one may aspire when practicing REBT. Otherwise, an individual may merely feel better without actually getting better. Similarly, authors of The Daily Stoic advocate (page 201):

Of course it’s possible to curb our arrogance, control our anger, and be a caring person. How do you think others do it? Certainly their parents weren’t perfect; they didn’t come out of the womb incapable of ego or immune to temptation. They worked on it.

They made it a priority. They solved it like they would solve any other problem: by dedicating themselves to finding a solution, making incremental progress until they did. They became who they are. Just like you can.

One obvious difference between the life coaching and mental health care approaches I’ve used is that the former doesn’t concern “care” while the latter intrinsically uses “care”—as it’s literally in the title “mental health care.” I care about my clients and want to see them succeed.

Still, I unconditionally accept them as fallible human beings when they offer assholish excuses which stink. Favorably, not everyone with whom I’ve worked attempts to justify inaction, as a significant number of my clients accept personal ownership for whatever outcomes they cause.

Now, I offer this psychoeducational lesson to you free of charge. Why not hang your assholish excuses on a wall and admire them? I mean it! You can fully embrace the unhelpful mechanisms which are keeping you stuck in the same place, as each of your asshole paintings stink!

Or… hear me out… you can stop using unproductive excuses, abandon unhelpful justification, take personal ownership for your own mental health care, and put in work for success with your interests and goals. Whichever outcome you cause will stem directly from your approach.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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