Do You Want My Mouth or Just My Ear?
- Deric Hollings
- Aug 19
- 8 min read
Photo credit (edited), fair use
Helpfully, I use Reddit as a source of daily practice for honing my skills regarding Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). For example, I recently discovered a subreddit thread in which a Redditor featured the following textual conversation:
My boyfriend trying to be supportive –
1:31 PM – Girlfriend: My shawarma fell apart.
1:37 PM – Boyfriend: Oh no.
Rather than impugning the girlfriend’s motive (something, such as a need or desire, that causes a person to act), because I could only offer conjecture regarding her motivations in the textual conversation, I’ll instead address what I said in a blogpost entitled Hear, Hold, Help:
[A]long my journey of education and training, I learned about a helpful technique I now invite clients to use when encountering problems within an intimate partner relationship. This tool relates to hearing, holding, or helping.
According to one source, when people about whom you care are upset, rather than immediately attempting to resolve their issues, you can ask, “Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?” Although the order of remedies is inconsequential, I’ve found that clients express significant improvement in their lives when using this technique.
Apparently, the aforementioned boyfriend used a similar approach with his girlfriend. Regarding a “solution” (help), he asked his girlfriend if she instead preferred hearing or holding (“the feelings stage”). I appreciate his approach.
Responding to the Reddit thread, one Redditor offered an alternative option by stating, “Do you want me to [problem] solve or validate?’ is usually my go to.” Concerning this statement, I expressed in a blogpost entitled Validation:
In the context of behavioral health care, validation may be defined as recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings (emotions or physical sensations) or opinions (beliefs) are valid or worthwhile.
Here, “valid” doesn’t relate to its actual meaning—having a sound basis in logic or fact; reasonable or cogent. Rather, it relates to acceptance of one’s emotions, sensations, and beliefs as is and without challenge.
Of course, this oxymoronic use of “valid” subverts what validity actually represents—the quality of being logically or factually sound. Therefore, subjective feelings and opinions through this lens are considered to be in accordance with fact and reality.
For those familiar with the content of my blog, it may not surprise the reader that I emphatically disagree with this misuse of the term “valid.” After all, through my practice of REBT, I dispute nonsensically irrational beliefs—which is an act of invalidation.
Given this perspective, I don’t advocate supposed validation of perspectives which are illogical and unreasonable (collectively “irrational”). A separate Redditor also offered an alternate reply by stating, “I always ask ‘do you want my mouth or just my ear?”
I appreciate this approach, because it’s an illustrative question to the hear, hold, help strategy. It’s akin to asking, “Do you want me to help you un-disturb yourself, or do you want me listen to you griping, whining, bitching, moaning, complaining, whinging, venting, etc.?”
When posed this way, an individual is presented with an option for resolution or to drag another person into one’s own miserable condition. Regarding this matter, I stated in a blogpost entitled A Messy Situation:
I propose the term “mud-flinging” for that which causes a messy situation in one’s own life.
I posit that not only is it possible to mud-fling, people behave in this manner with relative regularity. I suspect individuals act this way for cathartic effect—the result of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or uncomfortable emotions.
However, I doubt that mud throwing of this sort actually achieves the desired effect beyond the initial relief of discomfort when venting. Even during the process of complaining, research suggests that bitching may not actually provide relief in the first place:
We could not even find a catharsis effect when we led people to believe in it and to act upon that belief. Surely if the catharsis theory were true at all, under any circumstances, it should have been obtained under the highly conducive circumstances we set up. Yet, it did not. If anything, we found the opposite: Aggression remained high throughout the procedure.
Take a moment to reflect upon your own experience, dear reader. The last time you had a bad day at work, unpleasant experience in public, or were exposed to some other undesirable circumstance, did whining about it to someone alleviate the situation?
You may have felt something (emotion or bodily sensation), no doubt. However did the matter about which you were complaining change?
Chances are you actually worked yourself into a more emotionally challenging state of being while venting. As one source comparatively states, “Venting anger is like using gasoline to put out a fire.”
In consideration of this perspective, I don’t advocate griping, whining, bitching, moaning, complaining, whinging, venting, etc. Yet, still, another Redditor replied, “My dad, listening to us kids rage-dumping about random shit: ‘Do you want advice, or do you just need to vent?”
Herein, I’ve offered my perspective on venting. Regarding “advice,” I stated in a blogpost entitled The Advice That Never Was:
In my professional capacity, I generally refrain from giving advice. This is for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which relates to being held responsible and accountable for the recommendations I make.
For example, if I tell a client, “You should leave your job and find another one,” and following my guidance the individual does so though ends up destitute, I could be found partially liable for the prescriptive information I communicated.
Regarding this outlook, I don’t advocate venting or advice-giving. Of course, I’m aware that people will do as they please. Because not everyone serves as a practitioner of REBT, whether professionally or not, I realize that a hear, hold, help strategy is a pragmatic option.
Therefore, asking “do you want my mouth, or just my ear?” isn’t the worst available option. Ergo, if you have an intimate partner who insists on trying to drag you into one’s own state of suffering, then you can use unconditional acceptance while taking part in a whining session.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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