A relatively short time after graduating high school in 1995, my mindset was akin to an ignorant know-it-all. I thought I had the world figured out. My plan was to join the Marine Corps in 1996, and if I survived military service I’d marry a woman who loved me and we’d begin a family.
Somehow, the state of knowing everything eroded when I got out of the place in which I was raised and went to Marine recruit training. What I thought I’d known all along was challenged with pragmatic examination using logic and reason, also referred to as rational thinking.
For instance, I irrationally believed that although the woman I loved sent me a Dear John letter when in boot camp, we were “destined” to be together by some ethereal force that controlled fate. Therefore, I concluded that I’d wait for her even though she made clear her intentions not to be with me.
By the time I was stationed in Okinawa, Japan in 1997, my irrational beliefs were disputed by a number of friends when I expressed my loving sentiment for this woman. And even though I had interest in other women when in Okinawa, I was resolved in the notion that my love interest and I would eventually be together.
However, merely desiring another person didn’t mean that the individual wanted me. To understand how primitive my logic and reasoning abilities were at the time, consider the following modus ponens syllogism:
Form –
If p, then q; p; therefore, q.
Example –
If I truly desire this woman, then I should wait for her to realize how much I love her so that she’ll want me in return.
I truly desire this woman.
Therefore, I should wait for her to realize how much I love her so that she’ll want me in return.
My logic was sound, because it followed a syllogistic format. Notwithstanding the logical form, my belief was irrational, because it wasn’t reasonable. To be rational, my assumption would need to be both logical and reasonable.
The flaw in my reason was twofold. First, I used an ideal should statement that served as a prescription rather than description to life when paired with demandingness. For context, consider the following explanation:
Ideal should – This form of belief isn’t inherently self-disturbing. For instance, if there are dark clouds in the sky and I hear thunder in the distance, I may rationally conclude, “Ideally, it should rain.”
This belief lapses from rationality into irrationality when prescriptively demanding what should, must, or ought to be the case when faced with what simply is the case. In doing so, an ideal should can transition into a conditional should – which is self-upsetting.
Thus, when concluding, “If I truly desire this woman, then I should wait for her to realize how much I love her so that she’ll want me in return,” I established a condition for my own quality of life. If I wanted contentment or happiness, then my prescription should’ve been met.
And when my prescriptively conditional should wasn’t fulfilled? Contentment and happiness weren’t present, though self-induced suffering resulted.
The second flaw with my reasoning related to my use of a false dichotomy. This is sometimes called black-and-white thinking, a false binary, or a false dilemma.
When using dichotomous thinking, a person erroneously limits other available options. Stating to myself, “If I truly desire this woman, then I should wait for her to realize how much I love her so that she’ll want me in return,” limited possibilities to categories of only this-or-that.
Either I would wait for the woman I loved or I wouldn’t wait for her to reciprocate affection. Waiting included foregoing all other potential intimate partner relationships.
Thus, I would only be with the woman I loved in hope for contentment or happiness (this) or I’d be without her in a state of suffering. Wait for her with hope or not wait for her with suffering was the unreasonable conclusion I established.
Pragmatic examination of logic and reason when in Okinawa showed me how little I actually knew about life. Looking back, there’s no shame in my use of irrationality, because I realize that as a fallible human being I’ve always tended toward illogical and unreasonable thinking.
In any case, when in Okinawa in 1998, I discovered the album We Shine by Mix Master G-Flexx. The anthology contained a track entitled “She or Her” and was performed by rapper Maestro Manny.
The song describes Manny’s false dilemma in regard to being in a romantic relationship with one woman (she) and another woman (her), both for whom he apparently maintained affection. The track unfolds with prescriptive comparisons being made between she and her, and the chorus states:
Should I be with she or should I be with her?
Her can cook and clean but she got the dough
Should I be with she or should I be with her?
Her body is butter but she prettier
Should I be with she or should I be with her?
Her college educated but she street smart though
Should I be with she or should I be with her?
Her can fuck but she can suck dick, so…
Given the case for irrationality involving my former love interest, one may clearly determine error in the reasoning exhibited by Manny. Therefore, I won’t torture the explanation any further than what I’ve already demonstrated herein.
What reminded me of “She or Her” was a video released today by psychologist Orion Taraban, featured on his YouTube channel PsycHacks. In the video entitled “Choosing between two women: it is not always an either/or,” Taraban discusses a composite client when stating:
Unfortunately, by the time the guy calls me he’s usually fairly distraught and confused. This is because he’s in a state of vacillation, in the sense that he’s going back and forth in his mind between option A and option B.
Typically, he’s comparing the two women with each other. Sometimes, even going so far as to create lists of relative pros and cons, and this is a problem for a number of reasons.
First and foremost, the man’s intelligence, creativity, and problem solving skills are being constrained by these two options. In his mind, it’s either option A or option B. That’s all he can see.
However, in reality, there’s option A and option B but also option C and D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N…you get the idea. There’s actually a whole bunch of options.
But because his thought process is restricted, he can’t see them. And this limits his freedom of action, which is generally to his detriment.
Taraban describes the process of self-disturbance that I’ve highlighted from the track “She or Her,” and which was reflected in my relatively youthful years when stationed in Okinawa. Not always, though often, false dichotomies limit a person’s ability to productively use rationality. Taraban continues:
What’s important is whether the option you chose is sufficient with respect to whatever your goals happen to be moving forward. So never compare option A with option B.
In these situations, the question is not, “Do I go with A or B?” The question is, “Do I go with A or not A?” And, independently, “Do I go with B or not B?”
Like, each relationship should be examined on its own merits and relevant to your own self-relevant goals. This will increase the likelihood that your choice will make sense past the point of decision for some months or years afterwards.
When faced with she or her, or options A or B, Taraban illustrates transitioning a binary decision into one with at minimal four options. Thus, Manny could’ve rationally asked himself, “Do I choose she or not she? Do I choose her or not her? Do I choose she or her, or not she or not her?”
By merely affording oneself an opportunity to break through the inherent limitations of a false binary, decisions may be made in accordance with rationality and in alignment with one’s personal interests and goals. Ultimately, this is a less disturbing practice for rational living is used in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).
Regarding the woman who sent me a Dear John letter when I was in Marine recruit training during 1996, we remain friends till this day. Moreover, I’m not suffering, because I finally and helpfully afforded myself opportunities for healthier and more rational belief-based behavior.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost old school hip hop REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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