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The Art of Asking

  • Writer: Deric Hollings
    Deric Hollings
  • Jun 29, 2025
  • 5 min read

 

In a blogpost entitled Assumptions, I said, “An assumption is defined as assuming that something is true or a fact, or statement (such as a proposition, axiom—an established rule or principle or a self-evident truth)—taken for granted. Simply, to assume is to take as granted or true.”

 

Additionally, in a post entitled The Steel Man Technique, I stated, “Rather than mischaracterizing what others have to say, I could use the steel man technique which is said to be done by ‘building the best form of the other side’s argument and then engaging with it.”

 

Building upon the information contained in those two posts, I recently discovered something in the book Creative Marriage that may benefit relationships of various types. Authors of the book put forth a helpful tool they call the art of asking. In particular, the authors state (page 206):

 

One highly recommended change for improving communication between a husband and wife, then, is for them to stop assuming. Early in therapy, we emphasize the importance of the art of asking in marriage.

 

Each partner is instructed to ask his or her mate about what is meant, felt, thought, or intended concerning some of even the most elementary aspects of their marriage. Then, after he or she explains his or her meanings, feelings, thoughts, or intentions, the spouse is instructed that he or she should still not assume complete understanding.

 

Thus a husband is asked to give his wife his version of what he thinks she means by one of her statements. Then if she says: “Yes, that’s right; that’s what I actually meant, felt, thought, or intended,” then, and only then, is the other partner legitimately to feel that he is on the right track.

 

The art of asking is essentially the steel man technique by another name. Allow me to demonstrate how this tool functions:

 

Husband: It’s incredibly frustrating when I ask what you want to eat, you claim not to know, I offer a variety of options, and you turn down every single one!

 

Wife: I don’t want to assume anything here, because it’s sometimes the case that we talk past one another or argue about misunderstood points. How about this, I’d like to try a tool I read about on some therapist’s poorly written blog; would you be okay with that so that we can communicate more clearly?

 

Husband: Tool? What are you on about?

 

Wife: It’s call the art of asking. Basically, instead of assuming that I know what you mean when telling me about how frustrating my behavior apparently is, I pose what I perceive is your side of the discussion. Then, I ask if I’m in the ballpark of your main argument.

 

Husband: Great! Have at it.

 

Wife: If I’m hearing you correctly, you’re saying that I tend to be indecisive when it comes to eating options. For instance, you ask what I want for dinner, I tell you I don’t know, and the you suggest takeout from X, fast food from Y, or dine-in at Z. However, I have a tendency to reject each of your proposed options. Am I in the approximate area upon which your argument is founded?

 

Husband: Yes, yes, yes! And it’s incredibly frustrating, because if you’re going to be indecisive, and I’m trying to be helpful, you ultimately reject my attempt to offer solutions.

 

This brief demonstration on the art of asking (also known as the steel man technique) is a method to reduce confusion regarding assumptions of another person’s intended message. This tool is exceptionally helpful when having discussions in my personal and professional life.

 

Presuming you understand the purpose of this technique and how to employ it, would you be willing to use the art of asking in your own life? Helpfully, this tool can be used in relationships which aren’t solely of an intimate partner variety. Now, what would you like for dinner?

 

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

 

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

 

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

 

 

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW


 

References:

 

Constant Renewal. (n.d.). The steel man technique: How to argue better and be more persuasive. Retrieved from https://constantrenewal.com/steel-man

Ellis, A. and Harper, R. A. (1961). Creative Marriage. The Institute For Rational Living, Inc. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/creative-marriage-e184052310.html

Hollings, D. (2024, November 15). Assumptions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/assumptions

Hollings, D. (2024, October 29). Cognitive continuum. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/cognitive-continuum

Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer

Hollings, D. (2025, March 9). Factual and counterfactual beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/factual-and-counterfactual-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Fair use. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fair-use

Hollings, D. (2024, May 17). Feeling better vs. getting better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/feeling-better-vs-getting-better-1

Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better

Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/

Hollings, D. (2025, May 18). Learning to understand, attentively and deeply. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/learning-to-understand-attentively-and-deeply

Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching

Hollings, D. (2023, September 3). On feelings. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-feelings

Hollings, D. (2023, April 24). On truth. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-truth

Hollings, D. (2024, May 17). Open, honest, and vulnerable communication. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/open-honest-and-vulnerable-communication

Hollings, D. (2024, May 26). Principles. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/principles

Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Recommendatory should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/recommendatory-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2022, August 15). The steel man technique. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-steel-man-technique

Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal

Hollings, D. (2024, June 7). Unintended consequences. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unintended-consequences

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