Unconditionally Accepting Lemon Cake

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Photo credit, fair use

When practicing Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) with client X recently, I used the analogy of how one’s life is similar to cake. As well, I engaged professional use of self (a psychotherapist’s intentional and skillful use of one’s whole self as a tool for understanding).

For context, I’m not typically fond of lemon-flavored food items. As an example, I enjoy cake quite a bit. However, I dislike lemony foods to the degree whereby I’ll usually pass up an opportunity to eat lemon cake. I simply don’t desire to eat it, though I can tolerate it if necessary.

Because the therapeutic alliance with client X is strong, as this individual is familiar with my characteristic use of humor in our sessions, I told client X that a familiar setting in which I may want to tolerate and accept lemon cake is when celebrating the lives of other people.

Specifically, I’ll set aside the fact that I don’t celebrate birthdays when participating in birthday festivities for a select number of people in my inner circle. “What kind of assholish behavior would I display when refusing to eat lemon cake?” I asked client X.

“Worse still,” I stated, “is that I’m not fond of spit cake. Have you ever blown on a mirror or glass surface and seen how much saliva is spewed from your mouth when blowing? Yeah! Now imagine that amount of spit being blown all over a cake while someone blows out candles!”

My client laughed. Having properly framed my dissatisfaction with lemon-flavored spit cake, I invited client X to consider a lesson on REBT. Now, I offer this psychoeducational lesson to you. Whereas client X pays for my one-on-one services, you receive this tool for free.

In particular, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

For the sake of understanding, suppose that I’m lemon cake. (Spit is optional.) Other psychotherapeutic modalities may teach people the supposed importance of self-esteem, self-love, liking oneself, and so forth and so on. None of that is necessary when practicing USA!

Even if I don’t like that I’m lemon cake, I can accept myself without use of rigid conditions. To provide a relevant detail worth considering in regard to this analogy, I enjoy German chocolate cake quite a bit! Suppose that I were to thus use an inflexible condition.

For clarity, I’ll say that lemon is bad and chocolate is good. Imagine that I say if I’m German chocolate cake, then my mistakes are worthy of mercy (compassion, leniency, or restraint, as in imposing punishment, shown especially to an offender or to one subject to the power of another).

This is a form of conditional acceptance. A condition is a premise upon which the fulfillment of an arrangement depends. Thus, if or when the inflexible condition isn’t met, then the person using the unhelpful prerequisite will self-disturb into an unpleasant disposition (e.g., sadness).

This if-then paradigm isn’t going to help me much. After all, I’m lemon and not chocolate cake. My unhelpful premise is that lemon is bad. Thus, I’m bad. In REBT, this is known as a global evaluation (a rigid appraisal of a person, place, or thing without consideration of other factors).

Sometimes these conditions are represented by either-or paradigms. For instance, either I’m able to become German chocolate cake in order to fully accept myself, or I’ll remain a lousy lemon cake and stubbornly refuse to accept myself. With this framing of my life, I’ll likely suffer.

Perhaps being lemon cake represents my status as a fallible human being, as I consistently make mistakes. Alternatively, I fantasize about being German chocolate cake, whereby I’d somehow achieve a level of perfection that arguably no flawed individual is actually capable of attaining.

With conditional beliefs, I’ll induce my own experience of suffering. However, with USA, I’ll accept myself—even if I don’t like, love, or esteem myself to an imaginary standard that I’d likely never achieve anyway. Of course, this isn’t where the healthy practice of UA ends.

Other people may not enjoy lemon cake. Too bad! I’m lemon-flavored cake. Therefore, I can unconditionally accept that not everyone appreciates lemon cake (UOA). Still, the helpful practice of UA doesn’t stop there. Let’s press this matter a little further.

It may be tempting to place an inflexible condition on life. As an example, either no lemon-flavored food items will exist, or I’ll spend the rest of my life lamenting the fact that I’m lemon cake! Wait! Timeout! That unaccommodating narrative isn’t on my interests and goals menu.

There exist many kinds of cake—lemon, German chocolate, carrot, red velvet, fruitcake (for whatever reason that’s a thing!), etc. This is the way of life. We don’t have to compare cakes to each other, rejecting those we don’t like, when variety is inevitable in life (ULA).

I may not like or love lemon and fruitcakes (seriously, who actually likes fruitcake!?), though I can unconditionally accept that these flavors exist. This, I accept regarding myself, others, and life as a whole (USA, UOA, and ULA). Ergo, that’s the productive practice of UA!

Now, for the abstract thinkers in the audience, earlier I mentioned that “the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.” It very well may be that in another dimension, in galaxies far away from ours, there’s a literal lemon cake version of me at this precise moment.

Personally, I see no evidence for the existence of such nonsense. Yet, for some people, devoting what relatively little time is left in this life while daydreaming about potential other lives is the norm. About this, I stated in a blogpost entitled Let’s Just Not Even Discuss It, Man:

I’ll adaptively discuss matters within my area of no concern. Yet, when it comes to rigid demands about what should, must, or ought to be the case (or not), “Fuck it, man. Let’s just not even discuss it, man.” I have better things than that to do with my limited time on Earth.

If you want to imagine that there’s a literal lemon cake version of me drafting this blogpost in another dimension located in a galaxy far, far away, then fine. I’ll unconditionally accept your silliness. Yet, discussing that nonsense with you is another matter. I have better things to do.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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