Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

[DISCLAIMER]

Not long after my divorce, I took the above photo. Likely because I was dealing with irrational beliefs which influenced what I thought, how I felt (emotion and sensation), and how I behaved, I foolishly concluded that improving how I looked would change my difficult experience.

Yet, alteration of one’s external circumstance won’t necessarily modify one’s internal situation. This is also true of people experiencing sex or gender identity issues, individuals moving to different locations in order to escape symptoms of psychiatric disorders, and so forth and so on.

Regarding my particular case, in view of the ABC model which was developed by the late psychologist Albert Ellis, the undesirable Activating event of my divorce was accompanied by rigid Beliefs which then caused unpleasant Consequences (e.g., psychological insecurity).

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), insecurity of this kind is defined as “a feeling of inadequacy, lack of self-confidence, and inability to cope, accompanied by general uncertainty and anxiety about one’s goals, abilities, or relationships with others.”

Colloquially, one who is insecure remains deficient in assurance: beset by fear and anxiety. Instead of an Activating event-Consequence (A-C) connection, the ABC model posits that a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection is what causes insecurity. Thus, I disturbed myself.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unfavorable assumptions, the ABC model uses Disputation of unhelpful attitudes in order to adapt Effective new beliefs. Unfortunately, I didn’t know about this psychotherapeutic model following my divorce. As such, I suffered quite a bit.

Helpfully, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy. Thus, this post is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

To better understand the self-disturbed insecurity I once experienced, I turn to authors of The Daily Stoic that quote philosopher Seneca who stated, “Above all, it is necessary for a person to have a true self-estimate, for we commonly think we can do more than we really can” (page 78).

In common parlance, “self-estimate” is a term for “self-esteem” which generally relates to a confidence and satisfaction in oneself. This is a slightly different meaning than “self-worth” which colloquially relates to a sense of one’s own value as a human being.

Basically, self-esteem refers to how much one likes or appreciates oneself, usually based on external factors. Alternatively, self-worth reflects a deeper sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging, pertaining to internal perception, regardless of external factors.

In short, self-esteem is about how one evaluates oneself according to others, while self-worth is about recognizing one’s own inherent value as a person. Expanding upon this matter, the APA defines self-esteem thusly:

[T]he degree to which the qualities and characteristics contained in one’s self-concept are perceived to be positive. It reflects a person’s physical self-image, view of their accomplishments and capabilities, and values and perceived success in living up to them, as well as the ways in which others view and respond to that person.

The more positive the cumulative perception of these qualities and characteristics, the higher one’s self-esteem. A reasonably high degree of self-esteem is considered an important ingredient of mental health, whereas low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness are common depressive symptoms.

While I understand that many professional practitioners in the field of mental, emotional, and behavior health advocate improvement of self-esteem, I tend to favor how Ellis once stated that “self-esteem, as against self-acceptance, is one of the worst sicknesses ever invented.”

I’ll expound upon this matter more in a moment. For now, it’s worth noting that the APA defines self-worth thusly:

[A]n individual’s evaluation of themself as a valuable, capable human being deserving of respect and consideration. Positive feelings of self-worth tend to be associated with a high degree of self-acceptance and self-esteem.

Regarding self-esteem as an illness, REBT uses the technique of unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced sickness. This is achieved through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing oneself. Rather than using rigid self-narratives people can instead consider flexible UA attitudes. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Perhaps a brief demonstration of the ABC model and UA may clarify how un-disturbance is achieved. Reflecting back to the photo used for this blogpost, one may misperceive my self-esteem (external origin) as indicative of heightened self-worth (internal origin).

Yet, after my divorce (Activating event) I Believed, “My wife left me, because I’m worthlessly ugly. This is awful! In fact, it wouldn’t have occurred if I were better looking. Better yet, it shouldn’t have happened, and I can’t stand that she left me! I’ll show her what she’s missing!”

I then became so insecure that my self-worth (internal assessment) was significantly depleted (Consequence). Rather than working on the origin of my problem (i.e., my self-disturbing attitude), I began vigorously working out in the interest of self-esteem (external validation).

Recently, a friend of mine from high school inquired about the period in time when I looked as I did in the above photo (though I don’t appear that way anymore). “Hey,” my buddy said, “remember when you used to do bodybuilding?” For the record, I was never a bodybuilder.

Bodybuilding emphasizes building maximum muscle mass and size. This is often accomplished through intense weight training and rigorous diets. As well, copious amounts of supplementation, steroids, and other substances are frequently used to achieve a desired effect.

Correspondingly, body sculpting (also known as body contouring and body shaping) focuses on reshaping the body’s silhouette and improving muscular definition through a variety of methods. These include targeted exercise, diet, and sometimes even non-invasive cosmetic procedures.

Using a laborious approach to nutrition and physical training, I practiced body sculpting in 2007, when the above photo was captured. This behavior was aligned with my unhealthy reaction to a divorce. Bear in mind that there was no A-C connection in this regard.

Instead, I self-disturbed with a B-C connection. As such, I made myself insecure, depleted my self-worth, sought to improve my self-esteem, and used some fairly unhealthy supplementation in response to my unhelpful outcome. Now, I take personal ownership for that disturbed result.

Back then, I knew nothing about REBT. Suppose that I had. I could’ve Disputed my unhelpful attitude through use of UA. “Although my wife left me, I’m still worthy of self-respect of personal consideration, despite my faults,” I could’ve told myself in the interest of USA.

“My ex-wife, who’s merely a fallible human being and not a monstrous burden, retains worth, as well,” I may’ve gathered in the interest of UOA. “Life is also an imperfect experience in which divorce unfortunately happens quite often,” I likely would’ve maintained in the interest of ULA.

Each of those helpful conclusions serves as Effective new beliefs. Still, it’s important not to mistake the central thesis of this blogpost. I’m not suggesting that improvement of one’s physical fitness is an inherently unhealthy endeavor. External appearance is correlated with overall health.

However, anecdotally, I’ve personally known a number of bodybuilders that lead extraordinarily unhealthy lifestyles. Therefore, I’m advocating that a person may first address internal issues before using a self-disturbed B-C connection in regard to self-esteem and self-worth.

Besides, poor self-estimates aren’t created by people comparing themselves to social media so-called “influencers,” individuals chasing after the latest trends, or insecure ex-spouses pining over people who left them. Pertaining to this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 78):

Most people resist the idea of a true self-estimate, probably because they fear it might mean downgrading some of their beliefs about who they are and what they’re capable of.

As Goethe’s maxim goes, it is a great failing “to see yourself as more than you are.” How could you really be considered self-aware if you refuse to consider your weaknesses?

The APA defines self-awareness as “self-focused attention or knowledge.” Given Ellis’s take on self-esteem as “one of the worst sicknesses ever invented,” I question how a person can become self-aware when psychologically unwell. About self-esteem, Ellis further says (pages 10 and 11):

Self-esteem: You rate yourself, your being, your personality, your essence, your totality, in terms of two main goals: (1) Your achieving success or effectiveness in your accomplishments. Your school, your work, your projects. When you succeed in getting what you want (and avoiding what you don’t want), you say that is good. Great! But you also rate yourself and say, “I am a good person for succeeding!” When you fail to satisfy your achievement goals, you say, “That is bad; and I am bad.”

(2) When your goal is relating well to other people and you actually relate well and win their approval, if you tie up your relating to your self-esteem—your worth as a person—then you tell yourself, “That is good!” and also, “I am a good and worthy person!” If you fail to win the approval of significant others, you then rate your effort and yourself as unworthy.

That seems quite clear—and clearly gets you into trouble. As a fallible human, you can’t help failing at work and at love, so your self-esteem is at best temporary. Even when it is high, you are in real danger of failing next time and of plummeting down again. Worse yet, since you know this after a while, and you know that your worth as a person depends on your success, you make yourself anxious about important achievements—and, very likely, your anxiety interferes with your performances and makes you more likely to fail.

Rotten go! Your need for self-esteem makes you less likely to achieve it and more anxious when you do. Unless, of course, you are perfect which is highly unlikely.

The psychologically unwell person’s self-aware view is obstructed by unaccommodating beliefs about self-esteem and self-worth. Regarding self-assessment of this kind, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 78):

Don’t fear self-assessment because you’re worried you might have to admit some things about yourself. The second half of Goethe’s maxim is important too. He states that it is equally damaging to “value yourself at less than your true worth.” Is it not equally common to be surprised at how well we’re able to handle a previously feared scenario?

The way that we’re able to put aside the grief for a loved one and care for others—though we always thought we’d be wrecked if something were to happen to our parents or a sibling. The way we’re able to rise to the occasion in a stressful situation or a life-changing opportunity.

Per my interpretation of what the authors are advocating, seeing oneself as more – or even less – than one actually is may have negative consequences. Considering an REBT perspective, this occurs with an unpleasant B-C connection. Thus, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 78):

We underestimate our capabilities just as much and just as dangerously as we overestimate other abilities. Cultivate the ability to judge yourself accurately and honestly. Look inward to discern what you’re capable of and what it will take to unlock that potential.

In this way, alteration of one’s external circumstance won’t necessarily modify one’s internal situation. This is where elucidation of finer matters relating to self-evaluation may be useful. First, Ellis states of conditional self-esteem (page 68):

Conditional self-esteem. A global rating of your you-ness on the basis of your partial rating of your current or past traits. You rate you, yourself, as “good” when you do “good,” socially approved things, and as “bad” when you do “bad” things.

This rating never is total and final, since your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are temporarily “good” and “bad” and keep changing. But you frequently inaccurately see you as “proper” or “improper” when you act “well.” You really can’t do this; but you do!

If one’s concepts of self-esteem and self-worth are predicated on moralistic assumptions, rigid attitudes, or beliefs which are irrational (not in accordance with both logic and reason), then a needless condition is formed. Thus, USA may be helpful, as Ellis says (pages 69 and 70):

Unconditional self-acceptance is arbitrary, definitional, and yours for the choosing (or nonchoosing). You can have it because you merely decide to have it. Or you can decide to have it for pragmatic reasons, because you think it will probably help you (and others) to have it.

You cannot prove empirically that your having it will always and inevitably help you be more effective and happier; but you can prove that in all probability it will work better than conditional self-esteem and unconditional self-disesteem (USD).

Unconditional self-disesteem or self-downing. You can choose to believe in original and continuing sin and in your being eternally damned for having it and suffering the torments of hell, but it is not clear why you choose to create it unless you see it as a temporary state that leads to the ultimate heavenly, glorious redemption.

Even then, you can choose to live by this not-so-kind fate—or you can choose to disbelieve in and refuse to live by it. If you really believe that having USD is a choice, I doubt whether you will for any length of time select it.

But if you believe that, as a fallible human, you are doomed to choose it but still have a chance for redemption, you may or may not temporarily choose to believe in it. Probably not—when you have other “better” choices.

If my comprehension of Ellis’s perspective is correct, one can choose not to base self-esteem and self-worth on unhelpful conditional beliefs which may cause self-disturbance. Providing that the choice is yours, and that conditions of this sort are temporary in nature, what will you choose?

Not long after my divorce, I chose a psychologically unhealthy path toward the appearance of physiological health. However, the rigorous external routine for which I opted didn’t resolve the internal struggle of my own creation.

For clarity, imagine that I’d been diagnosed with cancer (internal) and I irrationally believed that moving from Texas to Oklahoma (external) would remedy my condition. Does that seem logical or reasonable to you? If life worked in such a way, I’d suspect Oklahoma to be overcrowded.

Presuming you’re of sound mind, understanding that alteration of the external doesn’t automatically resolve internal matters, then I invite you to consider how choosing to feed insecurity with a B-C connection may not be wise. That’s no method of rational living!

Ergo, self-esteem and self-worth aren’t entirely useful concepts when USA is effectively practiced. Remember that in the interest of USA I stated earlier, “Although my wife left me, I’m still worthy of self-respect of personal consideration, despite my faults.”

Unconditional self-acceptance is a matter of removing inflexible conditions which infect the mind, much as cancer infects the body. Thus, even without esteem or worth I can accept myself.

So can you! Conclusively, as Ellis stated, “self-esteem, as against self-acceptance, is one of the worst sicknesses ever invented.” If you’re ready to improve your internal condition, I look forward to working with you. Also, I adopt a holistic approach, as external exercise may be used.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

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Hollings, D. (2023, April 24). On truth. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-truth

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Hollings, D. (2024, March 14). REBT and emotions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rebt-and-emotions

Hollings, D. (2023, February 17). Revisiting the circle of control. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/revisiting-the-circle-of-control

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