In a blogpost entitled This, Too, Shall Pass, I addressed a phrase imparted to me by my late stepmother, “DT,” as I stated:
Although I can’t recall exactly when she conveyed the adage with me, at some point during a particularly difficult experience I endured, DT told me, “Honey, this, too, shall pass.” Regarding this phrase, one source states:
“This too shall pass” is an adage about impermanence of Persian origin. It reflects the temporary nature, or ephemerality, of the human condition — that neither the negative nor the positive moments in life ever indefinitely last. The general sentiment of the adage is found in wisdom literature throughout history and across cultures, but the specific phrase seems to have originated in the writings of the medieval Persian Sufi poets.
Examining the phrase through the lens of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I understand the difference between an absolutistic should statement and an ideal should expression. Together, let’s explore this distinction in the interest of a helpful tool for life.
An absolutistic shall statement is akin to stating, “Under all circumstances, this experience should, must, or ought to pass and with no exceptions whatsoever.” As such, this is a rigid form of demandingness that causes self-disturbance.
What I mean by this is that the ABC model used in REBT maintains that when an Activating event occurs and a person uses an irrational Belief in regard to the circumstance, it’s the individual’s use of an unfavorable assumption – and not the event itself – that causes unpleasant Consequences.
Therefore, when using an absolutistic shall statement, it’s one’s inflexible belief that leads to undesirable feelings (emotions and bodily sensations) and behaviors. Ergo, people disturb themselves through use of these unproductive assumptions.
On the other hand, an ideal shall expression is akin to expressing, “Preferably, this experience should pass, though it doesn’t necessarily have to.” By its very nature, this is a flexible form of preference that doesn’t lead to self-disturbance.
For instance, suppose your pet dies (Activating event) and you rationally (logically and reasonably) Believe, “Although this is an undesirable experience, this, too, shall pass.” What might be your Consequence of this preferred assumption?
Well, for one, it’s simply true that the occurrence will inevitably pass. All things shall eventually pass. This includes desirable, undesirable, and neutral experiences.
Secondly, suppose you’re incorrect and not only does your pet die, another unpleasant event occurs as you’re now exhibiting signs of a common cold. Ideally, the unpleasantry of the moment would’ve passed.
However, the disagreeable moment is now prolonged by illness. Because you didn’t place an inflexible demand upon the circumstance, and instead used an expression of preference, you can tolerate and accept that sometimes unfortunate events don’t pass quickly.
Nevertheless, they do eventually pass. Besides, all things shall pass. Therefore, this, too, shall pass – at least, ideally it should, though it may not. Aside from the ABC model, the REBT technique of unconditional acceptance is practiced when using the adage imparted to me by DT.
Ultimately, I appreciate the utility of the tool “this, too, shall pass.” Noteworthy, I don’t use the adage as a mantra—a mystical formula of invocation or incantation believed to have religious, magical, or spiritual powers. There’s nothing particularly ethereal about the phrase.
Rather, the adage reminds me about the impermanent nature of all earthly things. Sometimes, I like to shorten phrases which I’ll repeat over and over within my head during undesirable activating events.
As an example, when experiencing layered undesirable Activating events, unhelpful Beliefs, and unpleasant Consequences, I’ll disrupt the unproductive belief-consequence connection by repeatedly reminding myself, “All things, all things, all things!”
Likewise, and although this may seem odd to you, I use similar reminders when experiencing desirable and pleasant events as well as joyous and pleasurable feelings. For instance, I recently attended a concert that I’d waited years to experience.
While there, I repeatedly reminded myself, “All things, all things, all things!” Joy, fear, anger, sorrow, disgust, surprise, pleasure, pain, hope, despair, happiness, depression, and every earthly experience imaginable will inevitably pass. It’s all impermanent. Everything!
My helpful reminder when at the concert served as a prompt for the practice of mindfulness—a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations.
I was enjoying the pleasantry of the concert experience while remembering that all things shall pass. The result of this healthy mindfulness practice was that I appreciated the event much more than I would’ve if I were to have mindlessly experienced the moment.
Contemplating this matter a bit further, I recently re-watched Memoirs of a Geisha (2005). Preemptively, I admit that a number of REBT theorists, educators, and practitioners may disagree with the perspective I’m advocating herein.
In particular, there was a scene during the film in which the Chairman says to Sayuri, “You have to savor life while you can,” and, “We must not expect happiness, Sayuri. It is not something we deserve. When life goes well, it’s a sudden gift. It cannot last forever.”
While a surprisingly significant portion of REBT literature focusses on happiness, I depart for advocacy regarding this impermanent experience of life. Of course, this doesn’t mean that I’m anti-happiness. Quite the contrary.
Realistically, the Chairman’s words of wisdom to Sayuri reinforced the concept of mindfulness addressed herein. He advocated the experience of happiness as a temporary occurrence. Notably, the Chairman used two recommendatory should statements when speaking with Sayuri.
This form of should-based narrative isn’t self-disturbing. For instance, if it’s raining and you say to yourself, “I should probably take an umbrella,” this flexible recommendation doesn’t function in a similar way to an absolutistic demand.
Thus, when the Chairman expressed to Sayuri that people “have to” savor life, it’s as though he recommended that she should appreciate the impermanent experience of what was depicted as a pleasant moment in the film. If Sayuri chose to disregard the recommendation, self-disturbance would likely not have resulted.
Likewise, when the Chairman advised, “We must not expect happiness,” because momentary pleasurable experiences “cannot last forever,” this recommendatory should expression wouldn’t generally result in self-upset if ignored. Thus, I appreciated the scene, because it was a reminder of “all things.”
In the long run, I don’t waste what relatively little time I have left in life by illogically and unreasonably pursuing endless happiness. Rather, I appreciate when such pleasant experiences occur and remain aware that all things, all things, all things shall eventually pass.
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As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
Photo credit (edited), property of Columbia Pictures, fair use
References:
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