Today's Gift Is the Present

[DISCLAIMER]

The above photo was taken many years ago at Balboa Park in San Diego, California. With our backs to my then-wife, I walked alongside my then-stepdaughter as she rode her new bicycle which was a present (something presented as a gift—something given without compensation).

Following my divorce, I self-disturbed with irrational beliefs about how my marriage shouldn’t have dissolved, how awful it was that I couldn’t relive the past, how worthless life was in the absence of my wife and stepdaughter, and how I couldn’t stand being without them.

When dwelling on the past, I did a lot of self-downing (e.g., I was an abysmal husband), other-downing (e.g., my ex-wife was a repugnant woman), and life-downing (e.g., my future would be shitty without my former stepdaughter in it). I was really down bad!

However, all these years later, I realize how much time I wasted when upsetting myself in accordance with the ABC model. Are you familiar with this psychotherapeutic method of how people upset themselves with unhelpful beliefs which cause unpleasant consequences?

If not, it may interest you to understand the type of psychotherapy that I practice. In order to better comprehend this method of rational living, which was developed to un-disturb people, it may be worthwhile to also know about its philosophical approach to well-being.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

While I view the ABC model as an abortive strategy to self-disturbance, I conceptualize the REBT tool of unconditional acceptance as a preventative means of staving off self-upset. One example of the latter technique is addressed by a Marcus Aurelius quote (page 91):

Were you to live three thousand years, or even a countless multiple of that, keep in mind that no one ever loses a life other than the one they are living, and no one ever lives a life other than the one they are losing.

The longest and the shortest life, then, amount to the same, for the present moment lasts the same for all and is all anyone possesses. No one can lose either the past or the future, for how can someone be deprived of what’s not theirs?

It took me many years to realize the value of unconditional life-acceptance (ULA) offered by Aurelius, an ancient Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher. From time to time, I offer a relatively brief thought experiment to clients when demonstrating the essence of ULA.

Aside from the labels we assign days (e.g., Sunday, August 24th), when you awoke today, what day was it? And yesterday? How about tomorrow? Presuming you live until the day after today, when you awake tomorrow, what day will it be? There is only ever today in which life is lived!

I once wasted many todays when lamenting the past and bemoaning the future in regard to my then-wife and then-stepdaughter. Fundamentally, I robbed myself of today’s gift relating to the present (now existing or in progress). About this, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 91):

Today, notice how often you look for more. That is, wanting the past to be more than what it was (different, better, still here, etc.) or wanting the future to unfold exactly as you expect (with hardly a thought as to how that might affect other people). When you do this, you’re neglecting the present moment. Talk about ungrateful!

Without knowledge of the ABC model or ULA, I wasted years of my life – all which took place in incremental moments today – when self-disturbing about the effects of my divorce. You don’t have to do the same! Regarding this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 91):

There’s a saying—attributed to Bil Keane, the cartoonist—worth remembering: “Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.”

This present is in our possession—but it has an expiration date, a quickly approaching one. If you enjoy all of it, it will be enough. It can last a whole lifetime.

Once I learned to let go of the illusion of an unalterable past or uncertain future, I was able to appreciate that today’s gift is the present. For me, that was good enough. It was then, at that moment – which obviously occurred today, at the time – when I became grateful for what was.

Perhaps you, too, have lost a child. Maybe the effect of divorce, impact of death, result of a kid moving away for college, or other circumstance has altered your life today. How many more moments are you willing to devote toward robbing yourself of today’s gift which is the present?

You’re gonna die someday. Ironically, that’ll be today – even if not on this very day! Until then, will you waste your gift of the here and now? You don’t have to do so. Thus, I invite you to practice REBT techniques so that your remaining time left in life won’t go to waste – today!

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

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Holiday, R. and Hanselman, S. (2016). The daily stoic: 366 meditations on wisdom, perseverance, and the art of living. Penguin Random House LLC. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-daily-stoic-366-meditations-on-wisdom-perseverance-and-the-art-of-living-d61378067.html

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