We Can't Have It All

[DISCLAIMER]

In a blogpost entitled Something Shiny? I addressed Shaka kaSenzangakhona, king of the Zulu Kingdom from 1816 to 1828, as represented in a 1986 South African television series entitled Shaka Zulu. In the post, I stated:

[O]ne scene stood out and serves as motivation for the current blogpost. It unfolds as follows:

Lieutenant Francis Farewell: It is I, Febana.

Shaka: Tell me, Febana. How do you trap a monkey?

Lieutenant Farewell: Well, a gourd is used with a narrow neck. Bait is dropped into the gourd, a piece of fruit or...or something shiny. The monkey puts his hand down into the neck of the gourd and then he grabs the bait. And, uh...then he’s trapped, because he can’t get his fist out.

Shaka: Once he realizes he is trapped, why doesn’t the monkey let go of the bait?

Lieutenant Farewell: Because his greed makes him blind.

Shaka: And what is he greedy for, Febana?

Lieutenant Farewell: I don’t know. I suppose...for what he thinks he cannot have.

Shaka: And what new bait have you brought, Febana? Bring it here for this monkey to see. Something shiny? Like the freshness of youth, of life, of the past. Bait your gourd again, Febana. My heart yearns for something shiny.

Setting aside today’s standards of sociopolitical correctness, I appreciate that when Shaka realized he’d been trapped by his own greed the ruler used Socratic questioning (rational thinking) to reflect upon what it was that led to his downfall.

When contemplating the lesson of Shaka Zulu, I’m reminded of the song “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” by The Rolling Stones, and from their 1969 album Let It Bleed. Lyrics include:

You can’t always get what you want [x3]

But if you try sometimes

Well, you might find

You get what you need

This psychoeducational lesson relates to something I said in a post entitled Desire Much, but Need Very Little when stating that “in order to lead a psychologically healthy life, it’s okay for me to desire much, but need very little.” Truly, in life, we can’t have it all.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Whether it relates to Shaka Zulu, The Rolling Stones, or what I’ve addressed in other REBT blogposts, unmitigated desire that serves as a form of demandingness can cause the experience of self-disturbance. Addressing this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic quote Epictetus (page 75):

When children stick their hand down a narrow goody jar they can’t get their full fist out and start crying. Drop a few treats and you will get it out! Curb your desire—don’t set your heart on so many things and you will get what you need.

One may baulk at Shaka referring to black people as monkeys, or laugh at Epictetus referencing the naivety of children. However, there’s wisdom in learning to control unhelpful demands which are fueled by desire. About this, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 75):

“We can have it all” is the mantra of our modern lives. Work, family, purpose, success, leisure time—we want all of this, at the same time (right now, to boot). In Greece, the lecture hall (scholeion) was a leisure center where students contemplated the higher things (the good, true, and beautiful) for the purpose of living a better life.

It was about prioritization, about questioning the priorities of the outside world. Today, we’re too busy getting things, just like kids jamming their hand down a jar of goodies, to do much of this questioning.

For now, let’s set aside a dated racial comparison and a contrast involving children. In this moment, I invite you to think about your life. Is there something you’re demanding that you should, must, or ought to have?

I’m not addressing a mere description or preference (e.g., I want to be successful in my career field). Rather, I’m referring to rigid prescriptions or expectations (e.g., I must be successful in my career field). When using the former, you’ll likely be disappointed if you’re unsuccessful.

Whereas disappointment is a form of healthy distress, unhealthy disturbance is attributed to inflexible beliefs driven by unbending prescriptions and dogmatic expectations. Is it true that you must be successful? Regarding this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 75):

“Don’t set your heart on so many things,” says Epictetus. Focus. Prioritize. Train your mind to ask: Do I need this thing? What will happen if I do not get it? Can I make do without it? 

The answers to these questions will help you relax, help you cut out all the needless things that make you busy—too busy to be balanced or happy.

In consideration of unhealthy disturbance associated with rigid beliefs I encourage you to contemplate questions posed by authors of The Daily Stoic. After all, we can’t always get what we want, yet we might find that we may get what we need when modifying our beliefs.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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