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What Else You Got?

  • Writer: Deric Hollings
    Deric Hollings
  • Sep 27
  • 8 min read

 

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

 

The authors quote ancient Stoic philosopher Epictetus who stated, “Throw out your conceited opinions, for it is impossible for a person to begin to learn what he thinks he already knows” (page 119). Regarding this wisdom from Epictetus, two anecdotes come to mind.

 

First, I offer a professional anecdote. I once worked with a relatively new client who sought care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”) regarding anger. Personally, I know a thing or two about harm from unhealthy emotions such as unbridled rage.

 

In fact, one of the main reasons I opted to focus on REBT when in graduate school for counseling was as a method of self-help so that I could become my own psychotherapist. Also, I didn’t want the group therapy approach offered my many organizations which address anger.

 

Therefore, when working with my new client, I provided psychoeducational lessons on the ABC model and unconditional acceptance. These are the leading tools used by REBT which offer an antidote to self-disturbance (how people upset themselves when using irrational beliefs).

 

These are the techniques which changed my life (when practiced on a daily basis—and I mean daily!). After several sessions during which the client demonstrated intellectual insight of these tools, I observed that he felt better in our sessions though he wasn’t getting better overall.

 

Bringing my observation to the client’s attention, he smugly responded, “What else you got?” “Pardon me,” I replied, “what do you mean?” The client then clarified, “Besides the ABC model and unconditional acceptance, what else you got? I’m ready. Lay it on me!”

 

It was at that moment I realized I was working with what is colloquially known as an askhole. I suspect that in your own life, you’ve dealt with this sort of behavior at least once. (Noteworthy, people aren’t there behavior. There are no askholes, only people who behave in this manner.)

 

In professional terms, an askhole relates to what one source clarifies, “It’s not a pretty term, but it is a useful one when applied accurately. A help-rejecting complainer is someone who directly or indirectly asks for help. A lot. Constantly. Then they refuse the help that is offered.”

 

Presuming you’ve finished clutching your pearls in disbelief that a psychotherapist would endorse such terminology, I invite you to contemplate the experience of a know-it-all (one who apparently knows everything). Of this behavior, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 119):

 

Of all the Stoics, Epictetus is the closest one to a true teacher. He had a school. He hosted classes. In fact, his wisdom is passed down to us through a student who took really good lecture notes.

 

One of the things that frustrated Epictetus about philosophy students—and has frustrated all college professors since time began—is how students claim to want to be taught but really secretly believe they already know everything.

 

Through the lens of the ABC model, I understand Epictetus’s self-caused frustration. Even when flexibly preferring that people will be open to REBT lessons, I’m not immune to self-caused frustration. This brings me to the topic of a second anecdote, one of a personal matter.

 

Recently, a longtime friend of mine – who knows of my blog and has read a number of posts on Stoic principles which formed REBT – asked who I recommend for his improved understanding of Stoicism. Not long ago, this individual suggested that I create a podcast rather than a blog.

 

“I don’t really like reading, and I think you do a great job explaining things verbally,” he stated. The distorted inference by my friend’s askhole behavior was that I recommendatorily should appease his desire for how Stoic content is received. In essence, what else you got?

 

Briefly, I frustrated myself with unhelpful beliefs about the event. Then, I Stoically reminded myself that only I can control my reaction to displeasing events. Being frustrated was on me, not him! In this way, authors of The Daily Stoic inform people (page 119):

 

The reality is that we’re all guilty of thinking we know it all, and we’d all learn more if we could set that attitude aside. As smart or successful as we may be, there is always someone who is smarter, more successful, and wiser than us. Emerson put it well: “Every man I meet is my master in some point, and in that I learn of him.”

 

The authors remind me of unconditional self-acceptance and unconditional other-acceptance. Regarding the former, I’ve behaved as a know-it-all before. Pertaining to the latter, my former client and current friend acted like askholes, as well. Such is life (unconditional life-acceptance)!

 

After practicing the helpful tools of REBT, even when others with whom I’ve shared these techniques have refused to do so, I was no longer frustrated. In fact, I walked away with an invaluable psychoeducational lesson about which authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 119):

 

If you want to learn, if you want to improve your life, seeking out teachers, philosophers, and great books is a good start. But this approach will only be effective if you’re humble and ready to let go of opinions you already have.

 

Regarding this perspective, I’m not going to lie to you about how “easy” or “fun” it is to practice humility (freedom from pride or arrogance: the quality or state of being humble). Fun and easy have little to do with the benefit of challenging life lessons.

 

Rather, I’m inviting you to consider that when frustrating yourself with unhelpful beliefs you can remember that only you control your reaction to displeasing events. “What else you got, Deric?” you may reply. Well, I suppose you could disturb yourself, as you’ve been doing. There’s that.

 

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

 

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

 

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

 

 

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW


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References:

 

Daily Stoic. (n.d.). Translating the Stoics: An interview with “The Daily Stoic” co-author Stephen Hanselman. Retrieved from https://dailystoic.com/stephen-hanselman-interview/

Holiday, R. and Hanselman, S. (2016). The daily stoic: 366 meditations on wisdom, perseverance, and the art of living. Penguin Random House LLC. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-daily-stoic-366-meditations-on-wisdom-perseverance-and-the-art-of-living-d61378067.html

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