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You Almost Always End Up With Regret

  • Writer: Deric Hollings
    Deric Hollings
  • Jul 22
  • 8 min read

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About a great number of issues, I remain ignorant (destitute of knowledge or education). For instance, years ago, I had a discussion with nitape’skw about former United States (U.S.) President Abraham Lincoln.

 

Growing up, I was taught that “honest Abe” was responsible for freeing slaves through the Emancipation Proclamation. However, it wasn’t until adulthood when I realized that Lincoln’s behavior was considered tyrannical by many people in the South.

 

This wasn’t due to supposed villainous people in the South wanting slaves. Instead, Lincoln trampled states’ rights and initiated the U.S. Civil War during which 50,000 free civilians died, as 60,000 documented slaves and tens of thousands of undocumented slaves died from disease.

 

The death toll of military personnel was an estimated 620,000 to 750,000. While I don’t claim to have a more appropriate solution to the issues face by Lincoln, I also remain aware that his moral and ethical consideration wasn’t unquestionable, as he stated:

 

My paramount object in this struggle is to save the Union, and is not either to save or to destroy slavery. If I could save the Union without freeing any slave I would do it, and if I could save it by freeing all the slaves I would do it; and if I could save it by freeing some and leaving others alone, I would also do that.

 

Were you aware that the “Great Emancipator” didn’t actually want to free U.S. slaves? Apparently, the hundreds of thousands of deaths caused by his actions to “save the Union” was a better gambit than to allow the evolution of states’ rights to phase out slavery on its own.

 

Bear in mind that reportedly anywhere from 1.26% to 30.8% of free families in the Confederacy owned slaves, as blacks and Native Americans also participated in slave ownership. Likewise, it remains a matter of debate as to whether or not slavery was profitable and efficient for the South.

 

By the time I spoke with nitape’skw, I knew all of this. However, I didn’t know about Lincoln’s treatment of Native Americans, Indian Americans, Indigenous people, or whatever term is currently acceptable for First Nations people of the U.S. According to one source:

 

On December 26, 1862, following the U.S. Dakota War of 1862, the federal government hanged 38 members of the Dakota tribe in Minnesota. It was the largest mass execution in United States history.

 

Two days after the Dakota surrendered at Camp Release on September 26, 1862, a military commission began trying Dakota men accused of participating in the war. The rapid trials — some no more than five minutes — of 392 prisoners were completed in November. According to the Minnesota Historical Society, 303 men were sentenced to death and 16 received prison terms.

 

After reviewing the trial transcripts, President Abraham Lincoln provided a list of 39 names of prisoners to be executed. One received a last minute reprieve. On the morning of December 26, 1862, in front of an estimated crowd of 4,000 spectators and on a specially constructed mass-hanging scaffold, the men were executed. They were left dangling from the scaffold for a half hour.

 

After the execution, it was discovered that two men had been mistakenly hanged. The Minnesota Historical Society reports that ​“Wicaƞḣpi Wastedaƞpi (We-chank-wash-ta-don-pee), who went by the common name of Caske (meaning firstborn son), reportedly stepped forward when the name ​‘Caske’ was called, and was then separated for execution from the other prisoners. The other, Wasicuƞ, was a young white man who had been adopted by the Dakota at an early age. Wasicuƞ had been acquitted.”

 

Lincoln was no hero. He was merely a fallible human being whose behavior is something with which I disagree. All the same, I’m grateful that my Penobscot friend relieved me of ignorance regarding Lincoln’s treatment of Natives. All of this is a preamble to the remainder of this post.

 

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

 

The authors quote Marcus Aurelius who stated, “Another has done me wrong? Let him see to it. He has his own tendencies, and his own affairs. What I have now is what the common nature has willed, and what I endeavor to accomplish now is what my nature wills” (page 72).

 

Whatever wrongdoing Lincoln committed regarding people of his time is beyond my circles of control and influence. Because the past is passed, I can’t do anything to alter it. Addressing what people can do in the moment, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 72):

 

Abraham Lincoln occasionally got fuming mad with a subordinate, one of his generals, even a friend. Rather than taking it out on that person directly, he’d write a long letter, outlining his case why they were wrong and what he wanted them to know.

 

Then Lincoln would fold it up, put the letter in the desk drawer, and never send it. Many of these letters survive only by chance.

 

One imagines the number of lives which could’ve been spared Lincoln’s tyranny, had the late president practiced this method of conflict resolution in other areas of his life. Unfortunately, what’s done is done. In any event, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude of Lincoln (page 72):

 

He knew, as the former emperor of Rome knew, that it’s easy to fight back. It’s tempting to give them a piece of your mind. But you almost always end up with regret.

 

You almost always wish you hadn’t sent the letter. Think of the last time you flew off the handle. What was the outcome? Was there any benefit?

 

One wonders if Idi Amin regretted the estimated number people that were killed under his regime, between 100,000 and 500,000, or if Lincoln ever regretted his own death count of similarly astonishing proportions. Was there any benefit to such catastrophic loss of life?

 

Admittedly, on a much less significant level, what may your irrational beliefs lead to when self-disturbed in such a way that you behave as a tyrant? Granted, you may not be responsible or accountable for having hanged 38 people who reasonably resisted your actions.

 

Nevertheless, perhaps there’s a coworker, spouse, family member, friend, stranger in traffic, or otherwise that opposes your behavior. Instead of massacring them, as Lincoln’s orders allowed, you could instead stoically journal about the matter rather than justifying your actions in conflict.

 

Of course, you could try to use logic and reason with people in the heat of the moment. Perchance you’ll prove your case, winning the proverbial battle while losing a metaphorical war. If you choose the latter, you almost always end up with regret. The choice is yours to make.

 

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

 

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

 

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

 

 

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

 

References:

 

Brown, A. (2020, August 11). Fact check: What percentage of white southerners owned

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Holiday, R. and Hanselman, S. (2016). The daily stoic: 366 meditations on wisdom, perseverance, and the art of living. Penguin Random House LLC. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-daily-stoic-366-meditations-on-wisdom-perseverance-and-the-art-of-living-d61378067.html

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