Do or Do Not, You Will Regret It either Way

[DISCLAIMER]

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), regret is defined as an emotional response to remembrance of a past state, condition, or experience that one wishes had been different. For instance, one may regret historically not having chosen a different intimate partner.

In common parlance, regret merely refers to sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one’s control or power to repair. In a blogpost entitled No Ragrets, I admitted of personal regret, “I’ve had some regrets, though I choose not to upset myself about them.” Noteworthy, the APA adds:

[Regret theory is] a model of decision making that states that people’s fear of, and previous experience with, regretting poor choices plays a large role in motivating or deterring their behavior in situations involving uncertainty.

For example, a person who regrets buying, on the advice of a good friend, a used car that subsequently requires expensive repairs likely will disregard the friend’s advice in the future in order to avoid the potential for similar regret.

Within this framework, regret is considered to have two distinct components—the wish that one had chosen differently and the self-recrimination involved in believing one made an error in judgment.

From the perspective of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I understand the process described by the APA regarding regret theory as relating to both the ABC model and unconditional acceptance (UA). Are you familiar with these tools of rational living?

First, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption and not the occurrence itself that causes an unpleasant Consequence.

As an example, I once entered into a romantic relationship with someone who apparently was unfaithful to me the entire time we were together, as the most significant pair bond relationship of my life ended rather poorly (Action). At the time, I knew nothing about REBT.

Thus, when the relationship dissolved (Action) and I unfavorably Believed, “I can’t bear this awful experience, because life is worthless without her and things shouldn’t be this way,” then I experienced significant depressive symptoms and exhibited unhealthy behavior (Consequence).

Addressing how people disturb themselves with unhelpful attitudes such as this, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive assumptions in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Although I didn’t know of REBT back then, I eventually learned how not to upset myself.

Second, REBT uses the technique of UA to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

Though I disturbed myself about a failed intimate partner relationship, I later learned to practice UA so that I could transition from unhealthy disturbance to healthy distress. Whereas disturbance represents depression, distress relates to regret. The latter is preferable to the former.

For instance, I learned to accept that I’m little more than a fallible human being (USA), and that same consideration also applied to my former partner (UOA). Likewise, I used logic and reason to determine that there are few guarantees in life, as loyalty in a relationship isn’t one (ULA).

When considering the helpful tools of REBT, I’m reminded of Danish theologian, poet, social critic, religious author, and the individual who’s widely considered to have been the first existentialist philosopher, Søren Kierkegaard, who is credited as having once stated:

Marry, and you will regret it. Do not marry, and you will also regret it. Marry or do not marry, you will regret it either way. Whether you marry or you do not marry, you will regret it either way.

Laugh at the stupidities of the world, and you will regret it; weep over them, and you will also regret it. Laugh at the stupidities of the world or weep over them, you will regret it either way. Whether you laugh at the stupidities of the world or you weep over them, you will regret it either way.

Trust a girl, and you will regret it. Do not trust her, and you will also regret it. Trust a girl or do not trust her, you will regret it either way. Whether you trust a girl or do not trust her, you will regret it either way.

Hang yourself, and you will regret it. Do not hang yourself, and you will also regret it. Hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret it either way. Whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret it either way. This, gentlemen, is the quintessence of all the wisdom of life.

I view Kierkegaard’s lesson on regret as one relating to UA. Do engage in an intimate partner relationship, and you’ll regret it (e.g., you’ll forego other options). Likely, there’ll be plenty of healthy distress and some degree of unhealthy self-disturbance if you choose not to use REBT techniques.

Do not engage in an intimate partner relationship, and you’ll regret it (e.g., thinking about what could’ve been). After all, distress or disturbance stemming from beliefs about being alone is a common occurrence for many people. Thus, do or do not engage in an intimate partner relationship, you’ll regret it either way.

When contemplating this psychoeducational lesson, I invite you to consider selecting which option you’ll regret less. For those individuals who remain familiar with the content of my blog, I generally steer clear of unhelpful binary choices (e.g., you either must marry or you mustn’t).

This is because when presented with rigid choices, there’s usually at least a third plausible option available (e.g., questioning why one must marry in the first place). All the same, helpful binary options often exist (e.g., you’ll either marry or you won’t).

When given a dual set of options, I find value in Kierkegaard’s wisdom. To illustrate this matter, consider the following syllogism:

Form (conditional) –

If p is true, then q is also true; p; therefore, q.

Example –

If it’s true that you’ll regret marrying, then it’s also true that you’ll regret not marrying. You’ll regret marrying. Therefore, you’ll regret not marrying.

Given this rational proposition (which accords with both logic and reason), I invite you to consider which option you’ll regret less in virtually all choices in life. Do or do not, you will regret it either way.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

References:

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