Your Duties Are the Sum of Individual Acts

[DISCLAIMER]

When stationed aboard Camp Kinser in Okinawa, Japan (1997-1999), my attitude was a bit high-strung (having an extremely nervous or sensitive temperament). If asked to corroborate this claim, I suspect that many of the military police (MP) with whom I served would affirm it.

For instance, I took far too rigidly the Marine Corps policy on fraternization (to associate or mingle as brothers or on fraternal terms). Unhelpfully, I believed, “Senior Marines absolutely shouldn’t hang out with junior Marines.” After all, those were the standards at the time.

However, my inflexible approach to occupational military life didn’t bode well for my military social life. Fortunately, a compassionate sergeant sat me down for a meaningful conversation about my uncompromising outlook.

“Look, devil dog [Marine],” he told me, “you’re gonna have to choose your battles.” The sergeant went on to discuss how he earned the trust of MPs under his charge by bending the rules in the social realm so that if ever there was war in the occupational domain they’d have his back.

Simply demanding respect wasn’t a useful approach, nor was unyielding devotion to a non-fraternization policy. When contemplating this matter further, I’m reminded of the psychotherapeutic modality I practice, as well as a book I’ve been steadily reading.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

After many discussions with a considerate Camp Kinser non-commissioned officer, I eventually learned to relax and spend time with both senior and junior Marines. This is because I learned a crucial lesson akin to that expressed by Marcus Aurelius in The Daily Stoic (page 62):

If someone asks you how to write your name, would you bark out each letter? And if they get angry, would you then return the anger? Wouldn’t you rather gently spell out each letter for them?

So then, remember in life that your duties are the sum of individual acts. Pay attention to each of these as you do your duty . . . just methodically complete your task.

My primary duty in the Marine Corps was mission accomplishment. As an MP, that meant fulfilling various obligations assigned to me. If I unhelpfully barked at others with whom I shared a mission, even regarding a fraternization policy, they’d likely grow to despise me.

In fact, early on, many of my fellow MPs didn’t care much for me. And why would they have? Rather than looking out for one another, or the overall mission, we simply engaged in tit for tat passive-aggressive behavior. About this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 62):

Here’s a common scenario. You’re working with a frustrating coworker or a difficult boss. They ask you to do something and, because you dislike the messenger, you immediately object.

There’s this problem or that one, or their request is obnoxious and rude. So you tell them, “No, I’m not going to do it.” Then they retaliate by not doing something that you had previously asked of them. And so the conflict escalates.

Does the scenario described by the authors seem familiar? To me, it does. I’d ask a junior MP to perform preventative maintenance on a vehicle or empty the trash, and the individual would not only disregard the request, somehow even more clutter was accumulated in these areas.

I then escalated by playing what were termed as “fuck fuck games” in return. This occurs when petty behavior begets petty behavior. None of the participants with these games actually wins. Regarding this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 62):

Meanwhile, if you could step back and see it objectively, you’d probably see that not everything they’re asking for is unreasonable. In fact, some of it is pretty easy to do or is, at least, agreeable.

And if you did it, it might make the rest of the tasks a bit more tolerable too. Pretty soon, you’ve done the entire thing.

If merely spending quality time in a social setting would lead to proper care of MP vehicles and the Provost Marshal Office (police station) we shared, then I was willing to do it. To my surprise, I had a lot of fun! Finishing this helpful lesson, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 62):

Life (and our job) is difficult enough. Let’s not make it harder by getting emotional about insignificant matters or digging in for battles we don’t actually care about. Let’s not let emotion get in the way of kathêkon, the simple, appropriate actions on the path to virtue.

Not only did I stop participating in “fuck fuck games” – in which the primary climax is dissatisfaction – I made some friends when in Okinawa. This was done by accepting that my duties were the sum of individual acts. My occupational and social realms were intertwined.

I didn’t have to be just a Marine or an MP, because I could simultaneously have been a friend. When considering the psychoeducational lesson herein, I invite you to contemplate the sum of individual acts which comprise your duties. When doing so, maybe you’ll make some friends.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

Daily Stoic. (n.d.). Translating the Stoics: An interview with “The Daily Stoic” co-author Stephen Hanselman. Retrieved from https://dailystoic.com/stephen-hanselman-interview/

Holiday, R. and Hanselman, S. (2016). The daily stoic: 366 meditations on wisdom, perseverance, and the art of living. Penguin Random House LLC. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-daily-stoic-366-meditations-on-wisdom-perseverance-and-the-art-of-living-d61378067.html

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