From childhood, I recall wanting to one day find a woman to marry. Part of my motivation in this regard had to do with my repeated physiological and psychological lessons which were exceedingly painful to experience and which were delivered by my mom.
On a number of occasions when beating me with closed fists, belts, and whatever solid object was available to serve as a weapon of opportunity, my mom would shout that I was unlovable, expressing that no woman would ever desire me, and saying that I would be better off dead than alive.
It isn’t particularly enlightening to claim that pain-based learning of this sort can lead to long-term behavioral alterations. For instance, how many times have you retrieved a hot dish from an oven without use of oven mitts or some other device to prevent the experience of pain?
Per one source, “Pain is evolutionarily hardwired to signal potential danger and threat. It has been proposed that altered pain-related associative learning processes, i.e., emotional or fear conditioning, might contribute to the development and maintenance of chronic pain.”
Whereas one’s aversion to heat-related pain may be “hardwired,” emotional pain related to personal experience may require repeated exposure to unpleasant situations in order to activate the process of learning that is then capable of changing one’s behavior.
Regarding this proposal, one source suggests that “patients with strong pain-related anxiety and catastrophizing showed enhanced pain-related acquisition learning”—the process of predictive learning so that one may avoid painful experiences through cues which signal anticipated pain.
When considering physiological and psychological pain in this regard, I think of rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Although one may feel (bodily sensation) pain that is plausibly addressed by “hardwired” learning, feeling emotional pain can be influenced by experiential acquisition learning.
Noteworthy, REBT theory uses the ABC model to illustrate how when Activating events (“Actions”) occur and people maintain irrational Beliefs about the events, these unhelpful assumptions – and not the actual occurrences – are what create unpleasant cognitive, emotive, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people use: demandingness, awfulizing, low frustration tolerance, and global evaluations. Addressing these, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unhelpful assumptions in order to explore Effective new beliefs.
From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
As an example, when my mom beat me to the ground and stomped on me (Action), I experienced bruising wherever I was struck (Consequence). With an A-C connection, physical battery causes hematomas on one’s skin. However, that experience didn’t cause emotional pain.
Rather, using a B-C connection, when my mom physically assaulted me (Action) and I unhelpfully Believed, “Mothers should love their sons and it’s awful not to be loved by my mom,” then I disturbed myself into a sorrowful disposition (Consequence).
Moreover, it was the B-C connection that caused the outcome of fear regarding my future. When my mom beat me while teaching me that I was unlovable (Action) and I unproductively Believed, “I can’t stand being unlovable,” I upset myself (Consequence).
Therefore, the pain-related associative learning process (i.e., fear conditioning) of a B-C connection contributed to the development and maintenance of chronic emotional pain. For clarity, I’m not suggesting that the traumatic treatment I experienced was otherwise inconsequential.
Setting aside B-C outcomes, bruising and other injuries from an A-C connection remained. Child abuse fell within the realm of legal should narratives (i.e., adults shall not abuse children). Nevertheless, my mom wasn’t concerned with legalities and she beat me nonetheless.
Therefore, it was the B-C connection that caused me to believe that I was unlovable and which fueled my desire to prove my mom wrong by one day marrying a woman who would love me. I understand that personal responsibility and accountability of this sort isn’t something everyone values.
When discussing with other people personal ownership of one’s reaction to childhood abuse, an inevitable loop of illogical and unreasonable discourse unfolds. Using a basic syllogism, here’s how a person’s foregone conclusion generally manifests:
Form (modus ponens) –
If p, then q; p; therefore, q.
Example –
If it’s illegal to abuse children, then child abuse ought not to occur. It’s illegal to abuse children. Therefore, child abuse ought not to occur.
Although I agree that it’s illegal to abuse children and I concede the prescription of a moral and ethical nature, I see little utility with engaging in dialogue which violates the is-ought problem—an attempt to derive a prescriptive ought when faced with a descriptive is.
What is the case is that an untold number of children are abused on a daily basis. I was one of those children. Unhelpfully declaring that such behavior ought not to occur is a fruitless endeavor, because people such as my late mom actually do abuse children.
Therefore, I advocate personal responsibility and accountability for one’s own reaction to abuse of this sort. After all, the abuse (is) will occur regardless of one’s moral and ethical prescriptions to the contrary (ought).
This is the point at which an inevitable loop of illogical and unreasonable discourse unfolds. Person X typically responds, “Yeah, but if you don’t condemn child abuse, you essentially condone it.”
The point I’m making is fairly clear, if the persons X of the world actually seek understanding. I couldn’t prevent abuse from my mom no matter how frequently I protested her behavior.
Thus, without the ability to control of influence her actions, I could’ve instead taken personal ownership of my response to her treatment. However, as a child, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. As such, I developed a psychological narrative regarding my supposed unlovable nature.
Further complicating matters, which is hardly surprising when considering the fallible nature of a complex system such as a human being, I unfavorably convinced myself that I shouldn’t, mustn’t, or oughtn’t to ever fail at marriage if I were to find a woman who loved me.
Pain-based learning which was facilitated by physiological and psychological maltreatment seared into my psyche that the unpleasantness of childhood could somehow be mitigated by recreation of a similar scenario in childhood, though which I could control this time.
According to one source, “At times, individuals actively reenact past traumas as a way to master them.” As peculiar as it may sound, I was convinced that if I found a woman with similar personality traits as my mom then I could undo past damage by influencing the present.
Describing a key component to recreated trauma, one source states, “Anger directed against the self or others is always a central problem in the lives of people who have been violated and this is itself a repetitive re-enactment of real events from the past.” That anger is the result of a B-C connection.
When I learned through painful beatings that I was unlovable, I was saddened by my beliefs about the treatment I endured. As well, I was fearful about the potential of never being loved in the future.
Additionally, my unhelpful assumptions about the pain-based learning process resulted in anger against my mom. Desperately, I told myself, “I must prove her wrong by succeeding in marriage!” Regarding this unproductive belief, the authors of Creative Marriage state (page 46):
If, however, people strongly feel or believe that they should or must succeed at marriage they are usually or often going to be so concerned about the possibility of not succeeding that they will do far more worrying and catastrophizing about this dire possibility than they will plan and think about ways to develop their relationship.
This is precisely the approach I took in my marriage. When a woman asked me to marry her, I didn’t think through the matter in a rational manner. Instead, I was temporarily relieved from the damaging effects of my B-C connection.
“My mom was wrong, because someone does want to marry me – so much so that I was the one to whom this woman proposed,” I unhelpfully concluded. Foolishly, I believed that I should succeed at marriage and I worried about how a divorce could one day impact my concept of self.
To fully appreciate the intricate layers of self-disturbance that I experienced, my beliefs which formed the prime component of the B-C connection are worth exploring. As such, consider the following syllogism:
Form (hypothetical) –
If p, then q; if q, then r; therefore, if p, then r.
Example –
If my mom was right about me being unlovable, then my life is worthless.
If my life is worthless, then I may as well die.
Therefore, if my mom was right about me being unlovable, then I may as well die.
Although my major and minor premises followed logical form, they led to an unreasonable conclusion. That which is rational remains in accordance with both logic and reason. Therefore, the core belief that drove the consequence of my behavior during marriage was irrational.
This is a photo taken from my justice of the peace marriage ceremony. At that time, I thought that my goal was accomplished and I’d disproven my mom’s proclamation about my alleged unlovable nature.
When practicing REBT, I find it important to explore one’s goals—the ends toward which effort is directed. For a person who’s recreated trauma so that mastery of unhealthy past circumstances will somehow be erased, the unproductive objective is to remain married no matter what occurs.
To you, does this sound like a healthy approach to marriage? In reality, I had few options other than to be mistreated by my mom. In the strictest definitional terms, I was her victim—one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment.
However, when I voluntarily chose to enter and remain in a marriage as an adult, and I endured unpleasant circumstances about which I self-disturbed with my core irrational belief, I wasn’t being victimized. Rather than a victim, I volunteered for that experience.
Unsurprisingly, when I speak of personal ownership related to dissatisfying intimate partner relationships, some people offer similar irrational loops of rhetoric as I receive when discussing childhood trauma. Such manner of protest is what fuels victimhood.
I’m not in the business of creating or coddling victims. While it may be true that humans are “hardwired” to learn from painful lessons such as that associated with touching hot surfaces, I created emotional pain from personal experience that impaired my behavior when married.
Ultimately, I needed to learn about what mattered more to me: maintenance of a self-disturbing narrative or success with personal interests and goals. I didn’t enjoy believing that I was unlovable, and that assumption caused me significant distress.
Alternatively, I was interested in marrying and my goal was to stay married. Unfortunately, my unhealthy belief was intertwined with my interest and goal. Thus, it would’ve been useful to have known what the authors of Creative Marriage have to say in this regard (page 47):
[A]nyone who sets desirable goals for marriage, and then calmly and steadfastly works at trying to achieve such goals, but does not convince himself or herself that utter disaster will ensue if he somehow fails, will usually have an excellent chance of achieving his ends.
A healthy approach to marriage involves flexibility of one’s goals, not rigidity. Likewise, rational interests cannot be understated. This involves careful exploration of one’s desires.
Years of sustained childhood abuse resulted in my pain-related acquisition learning whereby I avoided the potential for a painful outcome which signaled anticipated pain associated with childhood. This was done by refraining from engagement in healthy romantic relationships.
Healthy wasn’t something with which I was familiar. Healthy seemed abnormal to me. If I was going to recreate a traumatic experience so that I could master the outcome, pain-related learning meant that I should’ve acquired unhealthy relational prospects.
With this faulty reasoning, and in consideration of my core self-disturbing belief which I so desperately wanted to disprove, I voluntarily chose an unhealthy approach to marriage. Not only was the outcome of a B-C consequence detrimental to my life, the consequences to my consequences were quite unpleasant.
Nevertheless, I don’t blame my late mom, ex-wife, or anyone else for the experiences described herein. In life, unpleasant activating events are inevitable. As well, A-C consequences are real. All the same, I disturbed myself with B-C connections, as I’m the sole person who owns this fact of life.
It’s worth noting that the main REBT element I’ve come to practice relates to unconditional acceptance which has significantly reduced unnecessary suffering. Likewise, I’ve learned from past mistakes.
Would you like to know how to stop causing yourself needless torment? Perhaps you’re contemplating matrimony or are currently married and would like to know more about how to use a healthy approach to marriage. Using the method outlined herein, I may be able to help you.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
Ellis, A. and Harper, R. A. (1961). Creative Marriage. The Institute For Rational Living, Inc. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/creative-marriage-e184052310.html
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