How You Tell a Good Therapist From a Bad One

[DISCLAIMER]

Photo credit, property of HBO, fair use

I recently came across a subreddit thread that featured an image of character Tony Soprano from a crime drama television series, The Sopranos, and which stated “can y’all just post your therapist’s advice in the comments so i don’t have to go”? I was intrigued to read the responses.

Noteworthy, in a post entitled The Advice That Never Was, I stated, “In my professional capacity, I generally refrain from giving advice. This is for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which relates to being held responsible and accountable for the recommendations I make.”

When I first began the informal practice of life coaching (1991), I frequently delved out advice (recommendation regarding a decision or course of conduct). However, when I became a psychotherapist (2011), I learned not to instruct people on what they should or shouldn’t do.

Not only would I remain responsible and accountable for the advice I’d given, clients with whom I worked perceivably wouldn’t learn to function in a self-determined and autonomous fashion. Overreliance on my input could defeat the purpose of empowering clients to be independent.

Therefore, I tend not to give advice. As such, when encountering the subreddit thread, I was curious to see whether or not Redditors reported receiving advice from their psychotherapists (or merely “therapists” for short).

Worth mentioning, there are many different psychotherapeutic modalities available to address needs for mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”). As an example, I received formal training in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) in 2021.

This form of cognitive behavior therapy serves as an active-directive approach to well-being. Unlike some other modalities, professional REBT practitioners speak quite a bit when providing psychoeducational lessons and disputing the irrational beliefs which clients use to self-disturb.

Given this method of rational living, I don’t often sit quietly in client sessions, using minimal encouragers while merely pseudolistening (i.e., “mhmm,” “okay,” “go on,” etc.), or strictly using the Socratic method (i.e., repeatedly asking “why”). Yet, I do use these tools from time to time.

When reading the subreddit thread, Redditor #1 stated, “Ooh it’s super easy, just add ‘Why’ before everything[.] For example - I wanna get in shape[.] Therapist - Why do you wanna get in shape? What’s preventing you from getting in shape? Why do you think it’s preventing you...[?]”

Although this form of Socratic questioning may at times be helpful, it’s isn’t as “super easy” to conduct therapy as implied by this individual. In response to Redditor #1’s statement, Redditor #2 replied:

Yeah, in my view that’s how you tell a good therapist from a bad one. A good one will give advice only rarely, because they’re not sages on a mountaintop doling out the secret to happiness to anyone who comes before them — they’re like physicians trying to treat the person in front of them.

And the biggest tool they have for treating that person is questions that help the patient understand themself. A bad therapist loves the sound of their own voice. A good therapist wants to hear yours.

I partially disagree, and partially agree, with the content of this reply. First, I reject the dichotomous framing of Redditor #2’s response. The binary trap of an either good or bad therapist leaves no room for other options (e.g., a good enough, or merely competent, therapist).

Second, I enthusiastically agree with the notion that therapists aren’t “sages on a mountaintop doling out the secret to happiness.” At best, I’m content on an average day. Though I experience fleeting moments of “happiness,” I’m no source of an oft-elusive euphoric state of bliss.

Finally, while attending formal training for REBT, I was taught to vary my psychotherapeutic style to include interrupting clients at times, using the Socratic method at other times, intentionally sitting in silence at times, and to use other techniques depending on the scenario.

When it’s necessary to interrupt a rambling client so that I may rigorously dispute unfavorable beliefs, I suspect Redditor #2 would consider me a “bad therapist” that “loves the sound” of my “own voice.” I disagree. Nevertheless, in response to this person, Redditor #3 opined:

If my therapist asks me that [“why”], she writes down my answers, writes down my reasons, makes me think up counters for that, and then gives me that paper for homework. All of the answers are mine. It’s not really advice as much as she’s saying this is why you think that. That makes it seem pretty silly, doesn’t it?

She does way more than ask me why, though. It’s just one of her tools to help me think more deeply about ways to improve my life. I think she’s a good therapist for me.

Redditor #1 provided what I consider a helpful response in regard to a particular psychotherapeutic technique. Redditor #2 delivered what I deem as a somewhat helpful, though also slightly unhelpful, reply to the mental health field as a whole.

However, in my opinion, Redditor #3’s submission is what I view as most helpful. Whoever this person’s therapist is, I hope that clinician understands how meaningful the work being done is to Redditor #3, as well as to me—an REBT practitioner who uses a similar approach to wellness.

Of course, I admit personal bias in this regard. It very well could be that, to my past clients, I’m the bad therapist. Maybe I can’t understand how you tell a good therapist from a bad one. Alas, if this is the case, then I unconditionally accept myself for being a fallible human being.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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