Indifference: How Much More Relaxed Would You Be?

[DISCLAIMER]

When I arrived at Camp Kinser in Okinawa, Japan (1997), I was a private first class (E-2) that was assigned to a military police (MP) billet. Although I thought that I knew what policing entailed, I had much to learn.

Given my ignorance-informed perspective, I thought being an MP related to how many traffic citations I could issue, how often handcuffs could be applied during apprehensions, and how frequently I could please superiors within my chain of command. I was wrong!

Mostly what I accomplished with that approach to policing was that military personnel, dependents, and other civilians grew to dislike MPs even more than they already did. As well, there was a virtually insatiable demand by my superiors which rarely resulted in accolades.

Additionally, I became so high-strung (having an extremely nervous or sensitive temperament) that I found it difficult to relax (to relieve from nervous tension). Fortunately, a rationally-compassionate sergeant (E-5) sat me down for a series of behavioral-shaping discussions.

He showed me that being an MP was about report-building, improving community relations, cultivating confidential informant alliances, and never forgetting that I was a Marine before serving as an MP. By the time I was promoted to lance corporal (E-3), I put those lessons to use.

To this day, that sergeant remains as the single most positively influential leader I met during my time in the Marine Corps (1996-2007). It’s partly because of him that my life coaching approach that informs my psychotherapist role led me to the psychotherapeutic modality I now practice.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Unlike asking “what if” in a self-disturbing manner that causes anxiousness, which drove my high-strung behavior as an MP, I could’ve instead contemplated alternative approaches to life in Okinawa (1997-1999). Using this helpful method, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 73):

Imagine the power you’d have in your life and relationships if all the things that trouble everyone else—how thin they are, how much money they have, how long they have left to live, how they will die—didn’t matter so much.

What if, where others were upset, envious, excited, possessive, or greedy, you were objective, calm, and clearheaded? Can you envision that? Imagine what it would do for your relationships at work, or for your love life, or your friendships.

Opportunely, my former sergeant helped me to ask meaningful questions which ultimately led to helpful behavioral changes. Perspective shifts such as this can also stem from statements, not only questions. As an example, authors of The Daily Stoic quote Epictetus who stated (page 73):

Of all the things that are, some are good, others bad, and yet others indifferent. The good are virtues and all that share in them; the bad are the vices and all that indulge them; the indifferent lie in between virtue and vice and include wealth, health, life, death, pleasure, and pain.

What I considered good when serving as a young MP was what many people deemed bad. Providentially, the sergeant who mentored me didn’t take an indifferent position toward my behavior. By the time I left Camp Kinser, I’d learned to relax and enjoy a fresh perspective.

Not only was I able to improve the manner by which I policed, I found that the quality of my interpersonal relationships also improved. In a way, I was wealthy in knowledge about how to behave with others. Regarding wealth of another kind, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 73):

Seneca was an incredibly wealthy, even famous, man—yet he was a Stoic. He had many material things, yet, as the Stoics say, he was also indifferent to them.

He enjoyed them while they were there, but he accepted that they might someday disappear. What a better attitude than desperately craving more or fearfully dreading losing even one penny. Indifference is solid middle ground.

While I’m glad that my former sergeant wasn’t indifferent to my behavior in Okinawa, since discharging from the Corps I’ve come to learn the value of indifference. This is an oft-misunderstood concept.

Indifference is merely the quality, state, or fact of being indifferent (marked by no special liking for or dislike of something). For instance, I neither like nor dislike polka music. I’m indifferent toward it. Using a Stoic approach to life, I apply a similar standard.

Given that I have exceedingly limited control and influence regarding most matters in life, I don’t upset myself with unfavorable beliefs about having to like or dislike aspects I can’t change. Therefore, I can devote focus and effort toward changing elements such as my behavior.

Unhelpfully, some individuals relate indifference of this sort to a lack of compassion. However, I maintain that the sergeant that exerted influence over me, because he wasn’t indifferent, allowed me to later in life practice a similar method of trying to help others.

If I were currently preoccupied with all the matters of the world over which I have no actual control or influence, I wouldn’t be able to direct my focus and effort toward trying to assist those who desire my attention. Given this perspective, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 73):

It’s not about avoidance or shunning, but rather not giving any possible outcome more power or preference than is appropriate. This [is] not easy to do, certainly, but if you could manage, how much more relaxed would you be?

In this way, indifference isn’t the same concept as apathy regarding impassiveness (lack of feeling or emotion). Rather, it regards apathy in the way of a lack of interest or concern pertaining to matters one cannot change (i.e., my perspective on the existence of polka music).

How much more relaxed would you be by taking an indifferent perspective toward matters which don’t concern you, or about which your concern isn’t necessarily helpful? As an example, in Okinawa I was overly concerned about the MP field while damaging interpersonal relationships.

A sergeant who wasn’t indifferent toward me then paved the way for my current perspective. I now use indifference regarding matters over which I have no control or influence so that I won’t be indifferent toward others when providing psychoeducational lessons on REBT.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

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