From the late 90s until 2011, I enjoyed wearing jorts (jean shorts) and mandals (man sandals). Unaware of my fashion faus pas—apparently one of the biggest sartorial sins one can make when getting dressed—I simply wore what I considered pragmatic and comfortable.
As an example, the above photo of me was taken in 2001, when visiting my old Marine Security Guard detachment post in Rio de Janeiro, Brasil and after having been assigned to guard the United States embassy in Lima, Peru. I wore jorts and mandals for a casual stroll along the beach.
Later in life when attending graduate school for counseling, between 2009 and 2011, I began learning about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). During that time, I enjoyed an internship placement at a behavioral health clinic in my hometown of Amarillo, Texas.
There, I made friends with a licensed professional counselor who I’ll refer to as “Penelope.” She and I became friends and wen spent time off-site getting to know one another. One weekend, making full use of the practicality of my wardrobe, I wore jorts and mandals for our social visit.
“Oh em gee,” Penelope stated while gasping, “you wear jorts and sandals? Who does that!?” I failed to see the issue. Besides, I was comfortable and the pair of mandals I had on were made of fine Italian leather. Likewise, my jorts were name brand and fashionable in my mind.
Later that week, I showed up to the internship site wherein there was a 20:1 ratio of women to men and each of the women with whom I worked teased me about my taste in shoes and clothing. Penelope had ostensibly led a campaign of shame—a condition of humiliating disgrace.
I took to heart the words of discouragement expressed by Penelope and other women within the clinic. Thus, I felt shame, experienced a queasy sensation within my gut, and threw out my mandals once I got home. However, I wasn’t fully committed to tossing out my jorts at the time.
Perhaps you’re familiar with REBT and at this point in the blogpost you’re asking yourself, “Deric, how is it that you were learning about REBT and allowed self-disturbance to occur?” For those unaware, REBT theory maintains that people can’t upset one another.
Rather, the ABC model illustrates how when Activating events (“Actions”) occur and people maintain irrational Beliefs about the events, these unhelpful assumptions – and not the actual occurrences – are what create unpleasant cognitive, emotive, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people use: demandingness, awfulizing, low frustration tolerance, and global evaluations. Addressing these, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unhelpful assumptions in order to explore Effective new beliefs.
From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
As an example, in the above photo and when I wore mandals with patterned holes on the top of them (Action), the upper portion of both my feet revealed a sunburn pattern in the shape of the square-cut holes (Consequence). From an A-C perspective, sun can cause burning of the skin.
On the other hand, when being teased about mandals a decade later (Action) and I unhelpfully Believed, “I shouldn’t look unattractive,” then I self-disturbed into a shameful disposition, felt queasy in my gut, and threw away an existing pair of mandals (Consequence).
From a B-C perspective, no one upset me with their words. Rather, I self-disturbed with an unfavorable attitude. Although I’d begun learning about REBT when in graduate school, I failed to apply the techniques of this helpful psychotherapeutic modality.
In particular, I didn’t use one of the key features of homework exercises negotiated with clients, as it relates to a shame-attacking exercise. Using a scientific approach to well-being, this exercise tests one’s personal hypotheses.
In my case, I could’ve started by asking, “Is it true that I absolutely shouldn’t look unattractive to others?” Of course there was no evidence to support this subjective and rigid claim that caused self-disturbance.
Once I cleared that psychological hurdle of irrational belief, I could’ve then proposed a hypothesis by asking, “What will happen if I intentionally wear jorts or mandals – or anything that may seem embarrassing and unattractive – can I tolerate and accept whatever response I receive?”
Shame-attacking of this sort moves an individual from intellectual to emotional insight. Nevertheless, this process isn’t to be confused with the nonsensical term “emotional intelligence.” The latter is merely psychobabble gibberish.
Emotional insight merely reveals to a person – on a level that impacts the consequential experience of joy, fear, anger, sorrow, disgust, or surprise – that the manner in which one feels can be influenced by what an individual believes. In essence, I could’ve learned not to self-disturb.
Additionally, REBT uses the technique of unconditional acceptance to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance.
Imagine if I’d practiced unconditional acceptance of myself as a fallible human being who didn’t have to appear attractive to others. How may I have felt from an emotional standpoint?
Suppose that I’d unconditionally accepted women at the clinic as flawed people who merely had different preferences than me. How might I have felt regarding a psychical sensation perspective?
Conceptualize that I’d unconditionally accepted life as an imperfect experience wherein fashion choices don’t truly matter all that much – presumably not nearly as much as people think. How would I have behaved after being teased at my internship site?
Although I understood and believed in REBT in 2011, I didn’t dedicate myself to rigorous practice of this helpful method of rational living. Therefore, I upset myself with an unproductive belief about what women with whom I don’t currently maintain contact had to say.
There was nothing wrong with my jorts or mandals. Arguably, there wasn’t much right about them either. The false binary of either right or wrong isn’t even worth considering herein.
Ultimately, the takeaway point of this blogpost is that people disturb themselves with unhelpful beliefs, though they don’t have to do so. Currently, I can wear shoes or clothing about which other people may protest.
If I don’t like how I feel or behave in regard to such responses, I can react irrationally, rationally, or simply not at all. If you’d like to know more about how to reduce self-disturbance in a similar manner, I’m here to help. However, I can’t prevent A-C connection sunburns.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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Wallace, F. (2021, November 24). 10 of the most common fashion faux pas that we’re all guilty of making. Marie Claire Australia. Retrieved fromhttps://www.marieclaire.com.au/fashion/fashion-faux-pas/
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