In chapter five of Creative Marriage, the authors provide a number of helpful considerations in regard to addressing marital problems. Herein, I’ll address each of these using my approach to rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT).
First, the authors suggest that intimate relationship partners “look into their own hearts and stop blaming themselves” (page 65). This point is associated with two identifiable problems within many marriages.
(a) A lack of personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”). Regarding this matter, the authors suggest “that human beings, usually, are able to control their so-called feelings and emotions and to regulate their own lives, instead of being driven by organic, unconscious, social, or cosmic forces” (page 54).
Sometimes, I hear pragmatic proposals about a perceived inability to self-regulate mental, emotional, and behavioral health processes, such as the suggestion that a hormonal imbalance affects functioning. Plausibly, a condition like hypothyroidism could impact one’s emotional state.
On other occasions, I hear claims of the absurd, such as the notion that humanity exists merely as a simulation and each person is little more than a puppet-like actor who is controlled by a cosmic entity. I find unfalsifiable assertions such as these far less convincing.
In any case, I value a personal ownership approach to martial problems. Even if an individual experiences a disorder such as menstrual psychosis, the person can take ownership of one’s own reaction to undesirable events when considering the ABC model and unconditional acceptance. Regarding this matter, the authors state (page 56):
[W]hen discussing the main irrational ideas that lead to marital disturbance, one of the main and most pernicious of these notions is the belief that most human unhappiness is caused or forced on one by outside people and events, or by inner drives that are uncontrollable, and that one has virtually no control over one’s emotions and cannot help feeling badly on many occasions.
The victimhood mindset I’ve encountered from some intimate partners is endorsed by the illogical and unreasonable belief that one’s own unaccommodating hormones, unfavorable environmental factors, or an inconsiderate romantic partner is the cause of the person’s reactions.
“I can’t help it, it’s a cultural thing for me to yell like that when I’m angry,” an individual may state. “I can’t help that I’m this way, because this is what happens when it’s that time of the month,” another person may claim. How about you stop lying to yourself? Can we start there?
Using REBT, people are encouraged not to blame themselves, others, or life for the manner in which one reacts to unpleasant events. This includes blaming one’s own culture, menses, intimate partner, or even alleged creators of a simulation in which one apparently operates.
(b) In conjunction with a lack of personal ownership, the authors state, “Spouses who think that it is terrible and frightful if they themselves are in the wrong will naturally tend to assume that the other is to blame for existing difficulties.”
I’ve worked with people who’ve rejected the notion of their own fallibility. However, every person I’ve ever met, will ever meet, and with whom I currently maintain contact is imperfect. We all make mistakes and none of us is capable of maintaining correct positions at all times.
Regarding martial problems, I invite people to consider that your thoughts, beliefs, positions, virtues, principles, or otherwise are a part of you, yet not who or what you are. In marriage, being in the wrong doesn’t mean that you as an individual are wrong.
Taking personal responsibility by admitting when you commit an error and then remaining personally accountable for the outcome is a method of turning what the authors refer to as “terrible” into what I call “disappointing.” After all, lapses in judgement occur frequently.
No self- or partner-blame is necessary when making a disappointing mistake. Rather, expressed personal ownership can go a long way in the act of problem-solving in regard to marital issues.
The second suggestion offered by the authors for marital partners is to “non-critically try to communicate openly and frankly with their mate” (page 65). If I could choose only one element from the period in which I provided couples psychotherapy that was most common, it would be a lack of communication.
In a blogpost entitled Open, Honest, and Vulnerable Communication, I stated, “I posit that it’s important to understand that helpful, productive, favorable, and healthy communication begins with openness, honesty, and vulnerability.” Without proper communication, what marriage will succeed?
Given the importance of healthy communication, the authors propose two solutions for the exchange of information when experiencing marital problems. (a) “First, each partner must admit the existence of a difficulty about which communication is required” (page 59).
As nonsensical as it may sound, in both my personal and professional life I’ve encountered intimate partners who’ve deluded themselves into believing problems don’t exist when it’s evident that issues are afoot. However, this isn’t an effective method of problem-solving.
(b) “The second requisite for unraveling a marital problem is to determine as accurately as possible its particular nature and sources” (page 59). First, admit that a problem exists. Second, explore how the matter came to be. Then, a marital couple may begin targeting the issue.
The third suggestion proposed by the authors for intimate partners is to “calmly persist at considering all possible alternative solutions to their difficulties” (page 65). This approach to problem-solving may require a degree of discomfort.
Regarding this matter, the authors state “that the problem is seldom, if ever, one-sided. Both husband and wife, in trying to face and get at the root of a difficulty, must look at disagreeable things not only in relation to the other but also to themselves” (page 61).
The self- and other-examination process is often accompanied by one or more of the following major self-disturbing beliefs: (1) demandingness, (2) awfulizing, (3) low frustration tolerance, and/or (4) global evaluations. Respectively, they are as follows:
(1) I shouldn’t have to take personal ownership for a problem I so clearly didn’t create! Therefore, my partner either ought to solve this problem or consider going somewhere else to stay for a while!
(2) This whole situation is terrible! I knew marriage would be difficult, but I didn’t know it’d be horrible!
(3) I can’t stand admitting that I have a role to play in this problem! After all, it’s unbearable to face the fact that I may’ve caused my partner pain!
(4) This marriage is entirely broken! As a matter of fact, I’m so useless that any romantic relationship I enter will inevitably fall apart!
When contemplating possible alternative solutions to marital problems, I encourage people to be mindful of the aforementioned major irrational beliefs. Although careful analysis of disagreeable things is necessary when problem-solving, the product of unhelpful beliefs may lead you to conclude that you are that element of disagreeability.
Again, you aren’t your beliefs. Therefore, conflict resolution in marriage may benefit from disputation of unfavorable beliefs. Besides, resolving a marital dispute is difficult enough as is, so disputing unhelpful attitudes may ease some of the difficulty inherent in the process of resolution.
The fourth proposal by the authors for romantic partners is to “take a relatively relaxed, not too serious attitude toward themselves and their partners” (pages 65 & 66). In particular, the authors recommend use of humor and temperance when facing problems within marriage.
When considering this matter, forgive me a personal anecdote. Years before I knew anything about REBT, I disturbed myself into anger when hanging a shelving system in the laundry area of my apartment.
The intimate partner with whom I lived heard me speaking loudly to myself and she peeked her head into the area, “You all right?” she asked. “Fuck no! This damned piece isn’t fitting and now I don’t think this shelf will hold much weight,” I responded.
Bam, bam, bam! I hammered the shelving unit fixture. Apparently amused by my ludicrous response to whatever belief of which I was convinced at the time, my romantic partner began laughing at me.
Caught off-guard by her reaction, I quickly became aware of how ill-tempered I’d become. “You can fix anything with enough force,” I yelled. At that, we both erupted in laughter.
Rather than perceiving that she was laughing at me, I conceded that my behavior and the situation were laughable. This was an appropriate outcome to what otherwise could’ve been an undesirable martial problem, had I foolishly believed that my partner shouldn’t have laughed at me.
Taking a not too serious attitude toward the matter, my intimate partner and I laughed about that incident for years afterward. One day, when witnessing someone in public behaving erratically, my partner looked at me, cracked a smile, and said, “You can fix anything with enough force!”
The fifth suggestion offered by the authors for marital partners is to “get all possible relevant psychological and marital information they can discover (from lectures, group discussions, and books like this one [Creative Marriage])” (page 66). The current blogpost is one such example.
In the age of the Internet, there are more resources available for addressing marital problems than I’d likely be able to consume in a lifetime. Although not all of the information may be useful, imagine how helpful it would be if even 10% of the resources were applicable to your marriage.
The final proposal offered by the authors to marital partners is that “if serious problems still persist, go for professional aid” (page 66). Unlike the previous personal anecdote which I find humorous, I ask that you forgive me one final anecdote regarding a not so funny professional experience.
In order to honor the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) and other applicable regulations which are pertinent to protected health information, I further ask that you forgive my use of heavily anonymized information regarding this actual account.
Years ago, intimate partner X was referred to me in relation to a marital problem with partner Y. Never having met either individual prior to our one and only virtual meeting, I carefully reviewed the intake documentation in an attempt to ascertain the cause of the presenting issue.
Although partner X initiated the couples therapy session, this individual showed up late while I sat patiently with partner Y who showed up on time. Initially, partner X refused to angle the camera in a manner that would allow me to observe the individual.
It then became apparent as to why this was the case. Partner X had another person sitting adjacent to the screen for supposed emotional support. Partner Y objected to the presence of a third party, whereas I constituted party one and the marital dyad collectively constituted party 2.
When I reminded partner X of applicable HIPAA standards which wouldn’t allow for the unknown person to attend the session, also citing partner Y’s objection, partner X immediately acted out by crying loudly, yelling, and over-talking my attempt to calm the individual.
Having successfully convinced partner X to calm down enough to where the individual’s words were intelligible, approximately 25 minutes of our 50-minute session had passed. With the remaining time, partner X issued several passive-aggressive threats toward me and partner Y.
Prior to abruptly terminating the session before time was up, partner X verbalized that the entire point of procuring my services was so that a psychotherapist could side with partner X against partner Y. Apparently, there was some sort of verbal altercation that warranted professional aid.
That was the one and only time I had direct contact with partners X and Y, aside from coordination of preliminary paperwork completion. The point of this professional anecdote is to invite people to consider that even regarding professional aid, some marital problems cannot be resolved.
Although this may not be what an individual wants to hear, I think it’s what a person needs to hear. Simply because you address marital problems in accordance with the information expressed herein doesn’t guarantee you marital success. Truly, you can’t “fix anything with enough force.”
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
Ellis, A. and Harper, R. A. (1961). Creative Marriage. The Institute For Rational Living, Inc. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/creative-marriage-e184052310.html
Freepik. (n.d.). Psychological therapy support group meeting [Image]. Retrieved from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/psychological-therapy-support-group-meeting_94938694.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=12&uuid=51d3a092-5cbb-43de-bec2-29283e43b0ac
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Hollings, D. (2024, October 14). Mistakes. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/mistakes
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Hollings, D. (2024, October 20). Unconditional acceptance redux. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-acceptance-redux
Hollings, D. (2023, October 22). Unfalsifiability. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unfalsifiability
Hollings, D. (2023, May 12). Use of humor. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/use-of-humor
Hollings, D. (2022, November 25). Victimhood. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/victimhood
Hollings, D. (2022, August 8). Was Freud right? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/was-freud-right
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