"Safe" Is Not a Feeling

[DISCLAIMER]

I imagine that you’re familiar (even if vaguely) with a common phrase associated with safety—the condition of being safe (free from harm or risk) from undergoing or causing hurt, injury, or loss. For instance, one may state, “I don’t feel safe.”

As not to be accused of presenting a straw man argument herein, perhaps an actual example of this phrase is warranted. Per one source, “More than 50 percent of Canadians no longer feel safe or welcome traveling to the United States amid heightened tensions between the two nations.”

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT)—a psychotherapeutic modality that advocates use of thinking which is rational (in accordance with both logic and reason)—I invite people to consider that the words we use matter.

This is a crucial point of understanding in regard to the ABC model that illustrates how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption and not the occurrence itself that causes an unpleasant Consequence.

Such outcomes relate to additional cognitions (e.g., ruminating thoughts), undesirable emotions (e.g., fear), uncomfortable sensations (e.g., tingling legs), and unproductive behaviors (e.g., avoidance of public places). In REBT, this unhelpful result is known as self-disturbance.

When teaching the ABC model to others, I encourage people to understand that in common parlance “feeling” generally relates to thoughts, beliefs, hunches, suspicions, interpretations, and so forth. However, cognitive functions such as these terms do not accurately represent feelings.

Rather, feelings relate either to emotions (i.e., joy, fear, anger, sorrow, disgust, surprise, etc.) or bodily sensations (i.e., tightness in the chest, queasy stomach, heaviness throughout the body, etc.). Feelings are not the function of cognitions, though feelings are often caused by cognitions.

“Okay, Deric, this all seems a bit pedantic. Hey, don’t you claim to support free speech? Why not just let people speak however they want?” you may respond. Herein, I’m not unfavorably demanding that people shouldn’t, mustn’t, or oughtn’t to speak in this or that manner.

You’re free to speak as you wish. Nevertheless, I raise the important distinction regarding what is and isn’t a “feeling,” because when using the ABC model an individual is invited to Dispute unaccommodating attitudes so that Effective new beliefs may be discovered and then used.

I suspect that you’re familiar (even if vaguely) with a common phrase “no one can invalidate your feelings.” Depending on what one means by “feelings,” I may disagree. Again, allow me not to be accused of straw-manning. Therefore, I invite you to consider what one source states:

Be gentle with yourself and your feelings. Your feelings are yours alone. No one can invalidate your feelings without your permission. Own your experience give yourself permission to feel whatever you’re feeling.

If the referenced proposition regards “feelings” as emotions or sensations, then I concur. When practicing the ABC model, Actions and Consequences aren’t Disputed, as only unproductive Beliefs are challenged. There’s an understandable reason as to why this is the case.

Suppose a client tells me that when she ventures into public and Believes unhelpful narratives, she then feels afraid while also feeling jittery throughout her body (Consequence). It’d be irrational for me to claim that the client doesn’t feel as she does, as her feelings are valid.

After all, when an undesirable Action occurs (e.g., being stared at when in public) and the client Believes, “This absolutely shouldn’t happen, because I can’t stand it,” then it’s reasonable to conclude that she will feel fear and the effects of chemical release in her system (Consequence).

Thus, I agree that “no one can invalidate your feelings” in this fashion. However, if the referenced proposition regards “feelings” as thoughts, beliefs, hunches, suspicions, interpretations, and so forth, then I dissent.

For instance, when an undesirable Action occurs (e.g., being stared at when in public) and a client Believes, “I feel unsafe,” then I can and will Dispute this imprecise and inaccurate term. Besides, “safe” is not a feeling. To suggest otherwise is irrational.

Therefore, I’d assist this client with first using proper terminology so that she can understand how the words she uses (even within her own mind) cause unpleasant outcomes. Second, I’d assist this individual with rigorously Disputing her unhelpful Beliefs (not her “feelings”).

Ergo, the proposition “no one can invalidate your feelings,” when actually referring to cognitive content, is something with which I disagree. Cognitions simply aren’t the same things as emotions or sensations. So if you supposedly don’t “feel” safe, then I agree.

“Safe” is not a feeling. “Wait a minute, Deric. I’ve read elsewhere in your blog that you you’re a concealed handgun carrier. Surely you must admit that feeling safe plays some role in your behavior” you may reply. To this, I respond, “Nope.”

While it’s true that I carry a concealed handgun almost everywhere I go (minus exempted local, state, and federal areas), I acknowledge that my rational decision to defend myself isn’t the same thing as an irrational bubble of so-called safety regarding a particular “feeling” when in public.

For example, if when in public someone uses deadly force against me (Action) and I Believe, “I’m about to die, so I should defend myself while attempting to flee the area,” then I may experience fear while hopefully being able to properly use my weapon (Consequence).

Noteworthy, REBT literature recognizes the distinction between healthy and unhealthy negative emotions such as fear. Fear is a naturally occurring emotion that can be made more impactful by what a person tells oneself.

Likewise, REBT acknowledges the difference between distress and disturbance, as fear when someone is shooting at me relates to the former, and fear of being stared at regards the latter. Thus, “safe” is not a feeling that pertains to either instance, because “safe” isn’t a “feeling.”

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

References:

Chain, B. (2025, May 7). How Canadians really feel about America - and Trump - revealed in new poll. Daily Mail. Retrieved from https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-14689425/canadians-unsafe-not-welcome-america-trump.html

Freepik. (n.d.). High tech futuristic urban travel for people [Image]. Retrieved from https://www.freepik.com/free-ai-image/high-tech-futuristic-urban-travel-people_133785147.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=11&uuid=5958545b-a67c-4e82-a1e2-7221b833bac1&query=safe

Hollings, D. (2024, July 18). A principled stance on free speech. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/a-principled-stance-on-free-speech

Hollings, D. (2024, July 9). Absolutistic should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/absolutistic-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, November 15). Assumptions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/assumptions

Hollings, D. (2024, October 29). Cognitive continuum. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/cognitive-continuum

Hollings, D. (2024, October 27). Correlation does not imply causation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/correlation-does-not-imply-causation

Hollings, D. (2022, October 31). Demandingness. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/demandingness

Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer

Hollings, D. (2025, March 12). Distress vs. disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/distress-vs-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Fair use. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fair-use

Hollings, D. (2024, May 17). Feeling better vs. getting better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/feeling-better-vs-getting-better-1

Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better

Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/

Hollings, D. (2025, February 4). I am not afraid to die. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/i-am-not-afraid-to-die

Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching

Hollings, D. (2023, January 8). Logic and reason. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/logic-and-reason

Hollings, D. (2022, December 2). Low frustration tolerance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/low-frustration-tolerance

Hollings, D. (2024, September 27). My attitude. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-attitude

Hollings, D. (2024, June 2). Nonadaptive behavior. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/nonadaptive-behavior

Hollings, D. (2023, September 3). On feelings. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-feelings

Hollings, D. (2024, January 1). Psychoeducation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychoeducation

Hollings, D. (2023, September 15). Psychotherapeutic modalities. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapeutic-modalities

Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist

Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt

Hollings, D. (2024, March 14). REBT and emotions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rebt-and-emotions

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Recommendatory should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/recommendatory-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, January 20). Reliability vs. validity. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/reliability-vs-validity

Hollings, D. (2024, January 4). Rigid vs. rigorous. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rigid-vs-rigorous

Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2024, April 21). Sensation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/sensation

Hollings, D. (2022, October 7). Should, must, and ought. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/should-must-and-ought

Hollings, D. (2023, October 16). Straw man. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/straw-man

Hollings, D. (2025, January 16). The words we use matter. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-words-we-use-matter

Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal

Hollings, D. (2025, January 9). Traditional ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/traditional-abc-model

Hollings, D. (2024, March 18). Unhealthy vs. healthy negative emotions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unhealthy-vs-healthy-negative-emotions

Jones Grossman, P. (2021, June 11). Author Krista Betcher: 5 things you need to heal after a dramatic loss or life change. Authority Magazine. Retrieved from https://medium.com/authority-magazine/author-krista-betcher-5-things-you-need-to-heal-after-a-dramatic-loss-or-life-change-db3e60e8168c