Tell Me With Whom You Consort

[DISCLAIMER]

When discussing with a former friend about how I was brought up in Bomb City, where I befriended gangbangers while simultaneously taking an active role in a church youth group, my friend stated something along the lines of, “You were really out here livin’ a double life, huh?”

I won’t deny his claim. In fact, evidence to support that position is clear. For instance, in the above photo, I sat next to the boyfriend of my close high school friend “Matilda.” The image was captured in her backyard, depicting a tranquil setting.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, my Mexican gangster friends resided in a rough neighborhood. Describing their circumstances and my interaction with them, rapper Lil Rob stated on “Rough Neighborhood”, from his album Twelve Eighteen, Pt. 1 (2005):

I lost a couple homies

I got some friends up in the pen

But when they get out

It seems like they go right back in again

It all started with crazy situations

Juvenile hall and probation

Then get busted for violation

That leaves a lifetime incarceration

Though my town went through some changes

One thing will never change

It made me who I am

And I remain to stay the same

I also lost carnales to juvenile hall, probation, the pen, and death. Once some vatos were released from incarcerated settings, others were heading back in again. Yet, unlike Lil Rob’s admission about staying the same, I reasoned that it was wise to reconsider my friend group.

Some people consider it disrespectful to cut ties with friendships that don’t serve one’s own interests and goals. Yet, I don’t. Neither did my friends. Noteworthy, “Rough Neighborhood” contains a sample from The Newcomers’ 1971 song “Mannish Boy” which features the lines:

My mama (She used to try and talk to me)

She tried to talk to me

She said: “Listen, son, there’s no limit to what you can be

Don’t waste your time with Tom, Dick and Harry

‘Cause the company you keep is the name you will carry”

But, I went on and dropped out of school

‘Cause I thought I was a man

But now, at 19, there’s a lot of things I don’t understand (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

My late stepmom suspected that she knew what awaited me down the path of criminality upon which I traveled, as she used to tell me that “the company you keep is the name you will carry,” as well. Having led her own life a crime for a period of time, she was able to change her ways.

With her encouragement, I distanced myself from gangbangers and went in an opposite direction. I joined the Marine Corps with a guaranteed contract for military police (MP). Reflecting upon that significant change, I’m reminded of my chosen psychotherapeutic modality.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

If I continued down the same proverbial path as my Mexican gangbanger friends, I may not have been around to write this post. After all, there was a lot of violence associated with that lifestyle. Addressing this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic quote Epictetus who stated (page 85):

Above all, keep a close watch on this—that you are never so tied to your former acquaintances and friends that you are pulled down to their level. If you don’t, you’ll be ruined. . . . You must choose whether to be loved by these friends and remain the same person, or to become a better person at the cost of those friends . . . if you try to have it both ways you will neither make progress nor keep what you once had.

The Greek Stoic philosopher advocated that one recommendatorily must choose to experience ruin or opt for progress when considering one’s own acquaintances and friends. Ideally, no such choice would be required in life. However, we don’t live in an ideal world.

As such, I left behind my gang friends while remaining in touch with Matilda. Even still, decades later, she and I eventually parted ways. This is how life works. One can self-disturb with irrational beliefs about this matter. Nevertheless, I’m speaking truth herein.

In any event, authors of The Daily Stoic quote Roman Stoic philosopher Gaius Musonius Rufus who quoted Greek lyric poet Theognis of Megara who stated, “From good people you’ll learn good, but if you mingle with the bad you’ll destroy such soul as you had” (page 85).

Setting aside subjectively moral and ethical implications of the Greek poet, as REBT recognizes fallible human beings – not good or bad individuals, I appreciate consideration of what serves one’s own interests and goals in relation to acquaintances and friends.

Given my personal anecdote, I desired (interest) to forego a life of crime and an end toward which effort was applied (goal) related to distancing myself from gang members. Regarding social relationships and their utility, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 85):

Jim Rohn’s widely quoted line is: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” James Altucher advises young writers and entrepreneurs to find their “scene”—a group of peers who push them to be better.

Your father might have given you a warning when he saw you spending time with some bad kids: “Remember, you become like your friends.” One of Goethe’s maxims captures it better: “Tell me with whom you consort and I will tell you who you are.”

When my stepmom told me “the company you keep is the name you will carry,” she was informing me that regardless of how I presented myself, people who observed me with gangbangers would likely see me as little more than a travieso.

I didn’t want to be seen as a troublemaker! Besides, I was so much more than merely a friend to gangsters. Thus, I intentionally distanced myself from my Bomb City friends by joining the military. Concluding their perspective in this regard, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 85):

Consciously consider whom you allow into your life—not like some snobby elitist but like someone who is trying to cultivate the best life possible. Ask yourself about the people you meet and spend time with: Are they making me better? Do they encourage me to push forward and hold me accountable? Or do they drag me down to their level? 

Now, with this in mind, ask the most important question: Should I spend more or less time with these folks? The second part of Goethe’s quote tells us the stakes of this choice: “If I know how you spend your time,” he said, “then I know what might become of you.”

Around the same time that I posed for a photo in Matilda’s backyard, I heard a quote that has since stuck with me. Although I don’t know the originator of the quote, it states, “Friends are like buttons on an elevator; they will either take you up or take you down.”

This is the sentiment expressed by the authors of The Daily Stoic. When contemplating whether or not your friends serve your interests and goals, I invite you to consider the elevator buttons quote of unknown origins. Are you being taken up or down?

Fortunately for me, when I informed my gangbanging friends about my decision to put behind my criminal ways and become an MP, they responded in support. This was surprising to me, because Mexican gangsters don’t typically maintain a positive outlook regarding the hooda.

Nevertheless, one of my friends told me something to the effect of, “Shit, I don’t blame you, ese. Ain’t shit for you here.” My friend recognized that the proverbial path upon he and other gangsters traversed led either to incarceration of death.

There wasn’t shit for me on that path – at least, not anything leading to the “best life possible,” per authors of The Daily Stoic. Now, I invite you to tell me with whom you consort, because I will likely be able to tell you who you are in regard to the buttons on an elevator you’ve selected.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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