That Cut Deep

[DISCLAIMER]

I’ve known more than one man who has fallen victim of paternity fraud—intentional misidentification of a fetus or child’s biological father (i.e., deceptively claiming that a male is responsible for the conception of a fetus or child). This is a matter of deliberate action.

Still, this is a different occurrence than unintentional misattribution (i.e., misperceiving the paternal relationship between a male and a fetus or child). The latter is a matter of mistaken identity.

For context, I once had a Marine roommate when stationed overseas whose stateside girlfriend claimed that her baby was his. This Marine spent significant resources (i.e., time, money, etc.) on the baby boy and I believed my roommate when he told me that he loved his son.

However, it took a few years before the perceived mother of his child spoke truth and divulged that the Marine wasn’t a father to the child. When discovering the matter of paternity fraud, my then-former roommate was devastated by his beliefs about the matter.

Perhaps the way in which I worded that sounds odd to you. “What do you mean, he was devastated by his beliefs about the matter?” you may wonder. In order to understand what I mean, I’ll need to briefly explain the ABC model of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).

REBT theory maintains that when an unexpected Action occurs and a person uses an irrational Belief about the situation, it’s one’s unhelpful attitude and not the undesirable circumstance that causes unpleasant emotional, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.

Rather than remaining self-disturbed, an individual is invited to try Disputation which may lead to an Effective new belief that’s used in place of an unproductive self-narrative. With the ABC model, a person learns to stop needless suffering which is caused by unhelpful assumptions.

From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

For example, my Marine friend had unprotected sex with his then-girlfriend (Action) and unprotected sexual intercourse can cause pregnancy (Consequence). In the naturalistic world, A-C out-cums…er…outcomes are directly related in this way.

However, when the Marine learned that the unprotected sexual encounters with his then-girlfriend weren’t of a monogamous nature and that the son he thought was his actually wasn’t (Action), he self-disturbed through use of a B-C connection.

The Marine likely Believed, “That awful news cut deep and I can’t stand that I’ve been deceived by this worthless ho, because she shouldn’t have been unfaithful to me!” With this unfavorable attitude, he experienced a self-devastatingly unpleasant experience of anger (Consequence).

When thinking of this matter, I’m reminded of the song “Deeper” by rapper Freddie Gibbs, which was featured on the Deeper EP (2013) and produced by Madlib, in which Gibbs discusses a situation left open to interpretation about paternity fraud or unintentional misattribution.

In the song, Gibbs describes his ex-lover’s scenario by stating, “I reminisce on all the crazy shit we did. ‘You and me forever,’ shit we’d say when we was kids. She said, ‘I’m havin’ problems and I pray that he forgive[s] when he find[s] out the baby ain’t his. That cut a nigga deep.”

The listener is led to understand that the rapper’s ex-lover is leaving her current lover and has contacted Gibbs in regard to paternity matters. The song concludes with the rapper saying, “Damn, what the fuck? So, what you tryna say, baby? Baby ain’t his, whose is it? Uhh, yeah.”

In the video, toward the end, Gibbs’ ex-lover is seen entering his home with a young child. One remains uncertain as to whether or not my former roommate’s situation is applicable to “Deeper,” which makes for interesting musical content, in my opinion.

All the same, I was reminded of my former roommate when listening to “Deeper” earlier today. This prompted a relatively short psychoeducational blogpost on the distinction between paternity fraud and unintentional misattribution.

As well, I thought it’d be helpful to highlight the B-C connection which could apply to either of these concepts. In my professional practice, I’ve worked with men who’ve been victims of paternity fraud.

Rather than unproductively blaming the women who behave in this morally and ethically questionable manner, I invite men to take personal responsibility and accountability for their own reactions to undesirable events. This isn’t necessarily easy to do.

Still, there’s a distinction to be drawn between being a victim and one who maintains a victimhood self-narrative. Admittedly, news of a fetus or child not being yours when you previously hoped to be a father can cognitively cut deep.

All the same, it’s your belief about the event – and not the situation itself – that cuts at an emotional, bodily sensation, and behavioral level. If you’d like more information about how to stop disturbing yourself with such assumptions, I look forward to hearing from you.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, photographer GL Askew II for NPR, fair use

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