You Aren't Promised a Rose Garden

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Living in a children’s home in 1992, a fellow resident and friend of mine told me about how the United States (U.S.) Marine Corps was the “most bad-ass” military branch in our nation. Although I was raised under the tenets of Jehovah’s Witnesses, what he said appealed to me.

For those who are unaware, the religious doctrine up with which I was nurtured assumes a politically neutral position and discourages military service. Still, perhaps because I had low self-esteem or self-worth, the idea of being revered for military affiliation was enticing to me.

That was the first time I recall having considered enlisting in the military. Not long thereafter, a family with whom I attended church services invited me to live with them. I suspect that they thought I’d be a well-behaved child, as evidenced by my behavior from the children’s home.

However, I’m a fallible human being, not an automaton that would continue functioning in accord with the token economy system established by the children’s home staff. For context, children at the residential placement campus were subject to a behavioral points program.

Using positive and negative reinforcement and punishment, residents were exposed to behavior modification (the use of operant conditioning, biofeedback, modeling, aversion conditioning, reciprocal inhibition, or other learning techniques as a means of changing human behavior).

Yet, that method of managing behavior merely contributed to the process of institutionalization (an individual’s gradual adaptation to institutional life over a long period, especially when this is seen as rendering them passive, dependent, and generally unsuited to life outside the institution).

Once I was free from the confines of the children’s home and its token economy, I gravitated to friendship with members of the Crips. After all, I’d befriended various Crips from the time I was in fifth grade. As well, only one resident of the children’s home was allied with this street gang.

Therefore, I was glad to once again spend time around gangbangers with whom I had more in common than the children in the church youth group of which I was a member. As well, I befriended a number of Sureños who were allied with the Crips. They were my carnales.

As one could imagine, my behavior wasn’t well-received by the family who took me in to live with them at the beginning of my sophomore year of high school. Thus, midway through my senior year, I was kicked out of their house. I then returned to the children’s home.

Not long after graduation, I decided to join the Marines. Located on the wall of the Military Entrance Processing Station at which I signed up for service was a recruiting poster that read: We don’t promise you a rose garden.

Photo credit, fair use

According to one source, “The ‘Rose Garden’ poster was the first in a series of posters with a slogan that read, ‘The Marines are looking for a few good men,’ a recruiting campaign that ran from late 1971 until mid-1984.” Something about that call to action appealed to me.

When asking my recruiter about the poster, I was informed that unlike other U.S. military branches the Marine Corps didn’t hide what it was: a difficult experience. He added something to the effect of, “All that rose garden bullshit you see in other recruiting media is for pansies.”

For those who are unaware, the term “pansy” is an antiquated, disparaging, and offensive slang term often used toward gays, men, or boys who are considered weak, effeminate, or cowardly. Apparently, a “rose garden” was considered the easy alternative to a hard life in the Marines.

I figured that my kinship with Crips and Sureños, as well as sustained traumatic experience from having lived with my mom and dad prior to being placed in the children’s home, prepared me for difficulty of military service. I reasoned that nothing could be tougher than my life till that point.

When informing my gang friends of my decision, one of them told me, “Simón, ese, the Marines are chingones!” Not long thereafter, I attended U.S. Marine Corps Recruit Training. All these years later, I’m reminded of that Marine recruiting poster as I now read a book.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Setting aside the derogatory term I recall my recruiter having used, I appreciate the sentiment underlying the “rose garden” recruiting poster. Specifically, it relates to something that ancient Stoic philosopher Seneca once stated (page 208):

Good people will do what they find honorable to do, even if it requires hard work; they’ll do it even if it causes them injury; they’ll do it even if it will bring danger. Again, they won’t do what they find base, even if it brings wealth, pleasure, or power. Nothing will deter them from what is honorable, and nothing will lure them into what is base.

For those who remain familiar with my blog, I don’t consider myself a “good” man. Actually, even the Marines who were “looking for a few good men” didn’t maintain that I was good. After all, my service characterization was other than honorable. As I said, I’m a fallible human being.

No degree of institutionalization could change who or what I am. Nevertheless, I don’t waste what little time I have in life contemplating whether or not I’m good, bad, or otherwise. These moral and ethical terms are essentially meaningless when it comes to inherently flawed people.

Therefore, with my approach to Stoicism, I consider what “good” and “honorable” deeds that I do. Here, I separate myself from my behavior. With this proper perspective shift, I understand that irrespective of military service, you aren’t promised a rose garden. No one is!

For instance, aside from it serving as a term of disparagement, “pansy” relates to a garden plant (Viola wittrockiana) derived chiefly from the hybridization of the European Johnny-jump-up (Viola tricolor) with other wild violets. They can even be companions to roses in a garden.

Nonetheless, none of us are promised a pansy and rose garden. Life is often hard. For some who grew up experiencing traumatic events from childhood and through early adulthood, the garden of life is riddled with thorns, poisonous plants, and other unpleasantry (e.g., smell of manure).

A Stoic perspective, as addressed by Seneca, relates to finding what is “good” and “honorable” despite the challenges of life. After all, you aren’t promised a rose garden. If you want flowers (i.e., success with goals), then you’ll need to begin doing the work necessary to attain them.

With comprehension of one’s actions relating to what is good, bad, honorable, dishonorable, or otherwise, rather than oneself conforming to these labels, I appreciate the perspective of The Daily Stoic. In particular, the authors state (page 208):

If doing good was easy, everyone would do it. (And if doing bad wasn’t tempting or attractive, nobody would do it.) The same goes for your duty. If anyone could do it, it would have been assigned to someone else.

I admit that doing bad things with my gangster friends was tempting and easy. Virtually anyone could’ve behaved in such a manner. Yet, “doing good” wasn’t tantalizing or stress-free. Thus, for a period of time, the only plants in my proverbial garden were weeds.

Still, when I eventually began doing the work necessary to improve my behavior, which admittedly began after my discharge from the military, I started to cultivate pansies and roses. Addressing this metaphorical garden, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 208):

But instead it was assigned to you. Thankfully, you’re not like everyone. You’re not afraid of doing what is hard. You can resist superficially attractive rewards. Can’t you?

Eventually, I got my manure (i.e., shit) in order. How about you? You aren’t promised a rose garden. If you want success with your goals (i.e., roses), what are you willing to do in order to attain this end? Bear in mind that you aren’t “good” or “honorable.” Yet, your actions can be.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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