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You'll Come Around

  • Writer: Deric Hollings
    Deric Hollings
  • Jun 18
  • 8 min read

 

When serving on the Marine Security Guard (MSG) program in South America, I experienced many difficult interactions with my military peers in Rio de Janeiro, Brasil and Lima, Peru. Unhelpfully, I self-disturbed quite a bit about the matter. Perhaps an explanation is in order.

 

Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption and not the occurrence itself that causes an unpleasant Consequence.

 

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD. When you use GLAD, you’ll be mad.

 

Before I provide an example of how the ABC model functions, some context may be necessary. The assistant detachment commander (“a-slash”) in Rio quickly expressed disdain for me when I first arrived at my post (1999-2000). “You don’t have enough seniority for Rio,” he told me.

 

Because of his perspective on how inappropriate it was for our command to have awarded me a post at one of the most sought-after duty assignments in the MSG program, I was punished by this individual. His treatment of me provided plenty opportunities to use GLAD narratives.

 

For instance, I was placed in the smallest room at the Marine house, a $10,000 per month rental home that had at least one other available room of a larger size. Referred to as the “dungeon,” my living quarters had black mold, no natural light, and it smelled like a damp cardboard box.

 

Additionally, I was assigned unpleasant watch-stander duties at the United States (U.S.) consulate that MSGs were tasked with protecting. Any shift of which other Marines weren’t fond, I was given (e.g., 2200-0500, peak hours for attending clubs, bars, and other events).

 

Also, Marines openly shared antagonistic submissions written in a “dog log” (think of the Burn Book in the 2004 film Mean Girls), as well as gossiping about me to Brasilian consulate staff members. For example, I was told that the a-slash started a rumor about me allegedly being gay.

 

Bear in mind that this was during the time of “don’t ask, don’t tell”—the official U.S. policy on military service of homosexual people that barred openly gay, lesbian, or bisexual persons from military service. An accusation such as the a-slash’s could’ve resulted in serious repercussions.

 

When word of the a-slash’s gossip was told to me by a consulate employee (Action), I unproductively Believed, “That piece of shit [G] is trying to get me kicked out of the Marines, and I can’t stand it [L]. It’s horrible [A] that anyone listens to him, because they shouldn’t [D]!”

 

With this unfavorable attitude, I disturbed myself into the unpleasant Consequence of ruminating thoughts about the matter (cognitive), experienced anger (emotive), felt hot all over my body (sensation), and used passive-aggression whenever I spoke to the a-slash (behavioral).

 

If you’re thinking that my unhelpful reaction had consequences of its own, then you’re likely wise beyond your years – that or you simply think rationally (in accordance with either logic or reason). Ultimately, I was allowed to serve only 13 months of my 15-month assignment in Rio.

 

The a-slash ostensibly assured that I was sent to another detachment before I could complete my service in Rio. Adding insult to self-induced injury (i.e., Belief-Consequence connection, not an Action-Consequence connection), the MSGs of Rio blackballed me before I arrived in Lima.

 

Blackballing is the process of socially excluding an individual from an in- to an out-group position. In due course, I spent only eight of the 15 months which MSGs were customarily assigned in Lima. For many years, I used GLAD and was mad at the Rio a-slash.

 

In retrospect, aside from the many self-disturbing narratives I otherwise used, I irrationally demanded that he would eventually come around to the notion that I was worthy of dignity. Each time that he unknowingly violated my prescriptive belief, I upset myself.

 

Therefore, when I heard that in 2004 the a-slash was killed when a weapons cache exploded in Afghanistan, I was joyful. Regrettably, I was so self-disturbed that I didn’t see the humanity of a former MSG. For instance, I used the following photo to make a joke about his death.



Saying something like, “Look, next to me in this pic is [a-slash]. You can’t see him? Oh, that’s right. He’s no longer among the living.” I’m using this blogpost as a form of shame attacking exercise, deliberately subjecting myself to (real or imagined) criticism regarding my behavior.

 

At this stage of my life, I’m not proud of how I acted when discovering the a-slash’s death. Don’t get me wrong, I have few fond memories of the guy. I didn’t like him when he walked the Earth, and I’m not about to lie to anyone who reads this post about how swell I thought he was.

 

Rather, I rely on the REBT technique of unconditional acceptance that relates to unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance for peace. Thus, I recognize that a-slash was merely a fallible human being whose behavior I didn’t like.

 

Similarly, I’m imperfect and have – on countless occasions – exhibited behavior which was unappreciated by other people. Therefore, rather than using GLAD narratives, I accept (without condition) that even though a-slash never came around to liking me, I didn’t need him to.

 

When contemplating this matter, I think of electronic dance music (EDM) group Girls of the Internet. Describing this collective, one source states:

 

Girls of the Internet delve into themes of self-discovery, reinvention and “house as a queer art form” across their new 12-track LP, ‘When I Was Lost, I Found Myself’[…] As with all of the group’s output, it is an album that taps into house music’s earliest spirit, when a whole panoply of people were involved at every level.

 

On their 2025 single “You’ll Come Around”, featuring James Alexander Bright, Girls of the Internet state, “You’ll come around (I don’t know if we can make it).” Such is the state of an impermanent and uncertain life. We never know if we’ll make it as long as we think we will.

 

Perhaps people will come around to liking us, perhaps not. Suppose they don’t, as was the case of a-slash in regard to me. Then, one can come around to unconditionally accepting oneself as a flawed individual, the a-slashes of the world as fallible, and life as an imperfect existence.

 

What do you think? Are you capable of putting aside unaccommodating GLAD narratives so that you can stop reacting in a petty manner? Even when rejoicing in his unexpected demise, I was able to place to the side my self-induced contempt for a-slash in order to honor his parents.

 

I gathered duplicates of photos featuring their son in Rio which they’d likely never seen, and sent them to a-slash’s parents. To my knowledge, each of the Rio MSGs contributed similar keepsakes. Even in a GLAD-induced mad disposition, I was able to express compassion.

 

How about you? Are you capable of eventually coming around to unconditional acceptance of yourself, others, and life (which includes death)? If you unhelpfully believe yourself to be incapable in this regard, I invite you to reach out to me. Perhaps you’ll come around after all.

 

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

 

As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters. 

 

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

 

 

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

 

References:

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