It's Not Right, but It's Okay

[DISCLAIMER]

Earlier, when listening to an electronic dance music (EDM) DJ set by Stephanie Loayza, I heard a track by Dutch EDM duo Mr. Belt & Wezol entitled “It’s Not Right (But It’s Ok) [Extended Mix]”, as I was reminded of the late Whitney Houston’s song “It’s Not Right but It’s Okay”.

A remix from Houston’s fourth studio album My Love Is Your Love (1998), Mr. Belt & Wezol’s track included the soulful songstress’s lyrics which state:

[Verse 1]

Friday night, you and your boys went out to eat, oh

Then they hung out

But you came home around three, yes, you did

If six of y’all went out, ah

Then four of you were really cheap, yeah

‘Cause only two of you had dinner

I found your credit card receipt

[Chorus]

It’s not right, but it’s okay

I’m gonna make it anyway

Pack your bags, up and leave

Don’t you dare come runnin’ back to me

It’s not right, but it’s okay

I’m gonna make it anyway

Close the door behind you, leave your key

I’d rather be alone than unhappy, yeah (Ah)

When hearing the track, I thought of a psychoeducational lesson regarding Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), as it relates to unconditional acceptance (UA). Before I address this matter, some context is necessary.

I recently told a story to a close friend about my most significant intimate partner relationship. When romantically linked to this woman, I moved from San Diego, California to my hometown of Amarillo, Texas when I was hired for a position in the field of nuclear security.

The woman with whom I was in love remained in San Diego to finalize a legal matter, as I planned on establishing a home for us in Bomb City. One day, I received a call from her. “It sounds like you’re driving,” I said, “where are you headed?”

“Oh,” she responded, “I’m on my way to see you!” She was a little more than halfway through the 15-hour and 38-minute drive when she asked, “So, who’d you go to Starbucks with?” I was confused. “What?” I asked and then stated, “I haven’t gone to Starbucks with anyone.”

Apparently, this individual monitored our joint bank account and discovered that I’d paid for two vinti Frappuccinos and a croissant, as she reflected to me her discovery of the receipt in question. “That was my cheat day,” I said when laughing. “So that’s why you’re on your way?” I asked.

Rather than calling me to speak about the matter, the woman to whom I’d devoted my life impulsively drove to see me so that she could determine whether or not I was faithful to her. Now, you may better understand why Houston’s lyrics resonated with me earlier this morning.

Noteworthy, REBT uses the technique of UA to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Rather than self-disturbing with irrational beliefs, which included a lengthy road trip to confront me about behavior which categorically wasn’t related to unfaithfulness, my love interest could’ve used UA. Doing so would’ve saved us both a lot of money, time, and a fuss.

For instance, she could’ve acknowledged how little control and influence she had in life (USA). Further, she could’ve recognized that I was merely a fallible human being who overindulged on Starbucks from time to time (UOA), yet never having given her reason to suspect cheating.

Moreover, the woman who I loved could’ve reminded herself that life is impermanent and uncertain (ULA), and that an enraged road trip wasn’t likely going to remedy the matter of life’s finiteness and randomness. That’s what a rational actor would’ve believed. Yet, that wasn’t her.

In the end, it was not right how I was treated, but it’s okay. I’m gonna make it anyway, after our intimate partner relationship eventually dissolved when she left me for someone else. Turns out, the party with a guilty conscious had a reason to be suspicious all along. And that, too, is okay.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters. 

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit (edited), fair use

References:

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