Control and Influence: A Soft Center and Coated in a Candy Shell

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Photo credit (edited), fair use

When working with client X, I recently discussed one of the major techniques of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). I consider this tool as a preventative method to staving off self-disturbance (how people upset themselves when using irrational beliefs).

Specifically, REBT uses UA to relieve self-induced suffering pertaining to undesirable events. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

As I’ve worked with client X long enough for this person to having gained both intellectual and emotional insight regarding these conceptual circles, client X astutely stated, “It’s almost as though all I have is control, very little influence.” Correct!

I invited this individual to think of control and influence as a color-varied sugar-coated, dragée chocolate confectionery. Whereas control relates to a soft center, influence is akin to a candy shell coating. The former is relatively small to begin with, as the latter is extraordinarily thin.

When imagining this candy, client X was encouraged to think of a mini portion – and only a single piece. Using the Stoicism-influenced practice of UA, given the Covey-esque circles, client X expressed comprehension of how one can only control one’s own reaction to undesirability.

That control is the soft center.

Although there remains a particularly thin layer of influence regarding direct and indirect matters (e.g., attempting to persuade client X not to self-disturb), recognition of this impact is executed flexibly (i.e., not unhelpfully demanding that client X must be receptive to my influence).

That influence is the candy shell coating.

In life, that’s about all any of us have within our ability to control (i.e., our reactions) or influence (i.e., others who are open to suggestion). Now, imagine that relatively small conceptualized piece of candy placed anywhere within the world.

It could rest upon a picnic table in Topeka, Kansas, roll down the side of Mauna Kea on the island of Hawaiʻi, plop into the waters of Vänern in Sweden, rest upon the driver’s seat of your vehicle, or lie underneath the covers of your bed. The location of the candy matters very little.

This is because everything outside one’s circle of influence is either in the circle of concern or area of no concern. To keep things simple, client X was invited to consider that all things from the edge of the candy shell to the Milky Way are within the circle of concern.

Anything beyond that is in the area of no concern. Client X was then encouraged to envision the single piece of candy in comparison to Earth’s moon, Jupiter, and the Sun. All the area from the edge of one’s own influence (i.e., candy shell) to the Sun, for instance, is worthy of concern.

That, too, is where politics, racism, sexism, xenophobia, the past, the future, activities occurring in a foreign land, death, Earth’s climate, whether or not a chimpanzee in the Congo region of Africa has a toothache, and other such matters remain – within the circle of concern.

How much control or influence do you or I truly have over that poor chimp?

Of course, given the area of no concern, in an undetectable dimension, there may be a version of that very chimp that is a dentist. How irrational (not in accordance with both logic and reason) is it to self-disturb with beliefs about matters in the circle of concern and area of no concern? Very!

Therefore, it was wise of client X to have concluded, “It’s almost as though all I have is control, very little influence.” Disturbing oneself about a lack of influence, inability to change matters in the circle of concern, or whether a chimp in the area of no concern is a dentist is irrational!

If you choose, you can unhelpfully reject truth about your limits of control and influence. Meanwhile, your piece of candy is slowly melting away. Concerning death is inevitable! Why not take control over what you can, influence where you can, and stop disturbing yourself?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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