I Can't Believe

[DISCLAIMER]

On underground hip hop group Strong Arm Steady’s 2005 mixtape The Collectors Edition, Vol. 1 is a track called “I Can’t Believe” which features Xzibit, Krondon, and Phil Da Agony, as well as containing a sample of Roberta Flack’s song “This Time I’ll Be Sweeter”.

Filled with the typical braggadocio style of a rap track that addresses achieving success despite challenges associated with an urban upbringing, “I Can’t Believe” is one of those songs which serves as a moment to pause my workout and dance like no one’s watching. (Can you believe it?)

In common parlance, the idiomatic phrase “can’t believe” is used to convey emphasis of a statement (e.g., I can’t believe you dance during your workouts, Deric). It’s also used to indicate surprise, dismay, or disappointment (e.g., I can’t believe you listen to hip hop music, Deric).

Regarding my approach to Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I maintain that the words we use matter. Thus, when telling oneself that something is unbelievable, it’s as though the mind becomes genuinely convinced that information is intolerably unacceptable.

Demonstrating this point, consider that REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence.

As an example, you learn that I enjoy rap music (Action) and Believe, “I can’t believe it, because clinicians absolutely mustn’t advocate underground hip hop songs,” as you then experience disappointment (Consequence). Now, I ask you, did the Action cause the Consequence?

Of course not! From a psychological standpoint, people upset themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

For instance, from an A-C perspective, dancing to music from Strong Arm Steady while on the slick floor of a garage gym (Action) could result in a slipping incident (Consequence). In the natural world, wet surfaces increase one’s chances of losing traction.

Yet, regarding a B-C paradigm, having danced to music from Strong Arm Steady (Action) while Believing, “I really enjoy this song, so I’m gonna write a post about it later today,” was what caused joy and provided motivation to write the current blogpost (Consequence).

The B-C link results in desirable and undesirable outcomes. Refocusing on the example whereby you convinced yourself that you couldn’t believe a professional practitioner of REBT would deign to pay attention to underground hip hop; your Belief caused an undesirable Consequence.

Addressing how you’ve disturbed or distressed yourself with attitudes, REBT uses Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance or -distress, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed or -distressed condition.

Similar to one of four self-disturbing beliefs recognized by REBT, pertaining to low frustration tolerance – whereby an individual convinces oneself that something is intolerable (e.g., I can’t stand it), an “I can’t believe” narrative is a method of convincing oneself of an inability.

When lying to yourself in this manner, you believe that something is actually unbelievable. Is it though? Truly, can you not believe something that isn’t uncommon or which has perhaps happened before? Regarding this phenomenon, one REBT source states:

When we tell ourselves that we can’t believe something it can engender emotional distress because our expectations have not been fulfilled.  In technical terms, this is referred to as the expectancy-reality-discrepancy. 

When there is a discrepancy between what we expect and the reality of what actually happened we can either adjust our expectancy or be upset that our expectations have not been met.

There is a good example of this in the Practitioner’s Guide to REBT [page 44], where a husband was upset at his wife for the fact that she always left the milk out when she got up early in the morning and by the time he used the milk for his coffee, it was already warm.  Every morning he was in disbelief as to how she could be so inconsiderate to leave the milk out. 

The therapist inquired and discovered that she has done this approximately five days a week for forty-eight weeks a year, for eleven years, which is a total of 2,640 times.  The therapist reflected that even “after 2,640 times you are still shocked and surprised about what she has done.”

In this professional anecdote, it wasn’t as though the husband literally couldn’t believe that his wife had left the milk out 2,640 times. One could argue that a rationally-inclined person would come to expect that this sort of repetitive behavior would continue.

As a matter of personal anecdote, I used to confuse intelligence (the ability to apply knowledge to manipulate one’s environment or to think abstractly as measured by objective criteria) with belief (a state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing).

I’d say things like, “I can’t believe he would say such a thing, because he’s an intelligent person.” However, these two things aren’t the same. Favorably, I’ve since learned not to harshly judge myself for having used irrational disbelief – or when I still fallibly do so.

Now, I offer you this psychoeducational lesson for your consideration. Perhaps the next time you lie to yourself about not being able to believe something, I invite you to dispute your disturbing or distressing personal philosophy of life. Maybe you’ll find that you can, in fact, believe it!

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit (edited), fair use

References:

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